Over my almost 9 years in the field of mental health and addiction now, I’ve shifted how I look at and interact with addictive behaviors. One of the most productive things I ever learned about an addictive or unwanted behavior, whether sexual in nature or otherwise, was to look for the unmet need behind the behavior. Take for example the person who struggles with going to the fridge and reaching for food when they’re not actually hungry. If we’re able to pause long enough to examine our why, and what we’re feeling in those moments, then we’re able to notice the need that we’re trying to meet with food!
Let’s apply that to unwanted sexual behaviors. Do you ever notice patterns as to when you might struggle more with lust or pornography or whatever your thing might be? Is it around a difficult anniversary? Is it around a holiday that brings up feelings of loneliness? Or is it when we feel the general feeling of loneliness maybe? What about after we were at an event that was a reminder of relationships or singleness?
Some of you might be familiar with the idea of a “trigger”. A trigger is simply a reminder of a previous distressing event. This can be a person, place, or thing which, to be honest, is quite broad. A trigger can be quite simple but can lead us down the rabbit hole of unwanted thoughts or behaviors that at times can feel impossible to stop. Identifying that trigger is very important in the process of cycle breaking and can be a huge step in the process towards healing!
One thing I want to be clear about is this; I have worked with very few people who actually wanted to continue to engage in their sexual addiction. That’s why I tend to call it an “unwanted behavior or pattern”. So I encourage us again to examine; what is the need or desire that is behind that behavior? Hopefully some of the content on this page has already been leading you to rid yourself of the shame that so deeply keeps us trapped in unhelpful cycles. Exploring the need behind our behavior is an approach born out of curiosity and compassion for ourselves.
I often refer to pornography addiction as “an intimacy disorder”. I’ve met with countless people whose stories start with similar patterns: “I never measured up to my dad’s standards for me”, “I didn’t think I could go to my mom when I needed comfort”, “I was always being told to man up”, “I never felt lady like enough”, “I felt rejected time and time again so I stopped trying”, “So and so left when I was young so I stopped trusting people to be there for me”… the list goes on. Do you see the pattern? Do you see yourself in someone’s story?
Relationships are tough. We are all on this earth for the first time trying to work together, communicate with one another, and we’re doing so as imperfect human beings. We’re bound to get hurt and we’re bound to hurt others. But if we can understand that we all want to love and be loved, how much more grace and compassion would we look at one another with?
As a Christian, I can’t help but think about my relationship with God in this context. I’m so thankful to know that God knows me, sees me, and loves me completely in the moments when I don’t feel those things from imperfect human beings around me. What a source of comfort! I no longer need to turn to temporary forms of manmade relief that put a band aid on a bullet wound only to rip it off again only moments later when the wound gets re-opened.
So the next time you find yourself longing for relationship; take it to God! The desire for relationship is good and God given! What we do with that desire is so important. You are never truly alone if you are in Christ. He wants to hear from you. He wants to know your feelings, your thoughts, your desires. He created you. And then take some time to list out the people in your life that you are thankful for. You may not have a specific relationship you are longing for, and we grieve that and we make space for those feelings. We also thank God for the people he has placed in our life for the time being to help us in our current chapter.