If you were born in the early days (i.e., the 1900’s), then your parents (or primary caregivers) were most likely taught to let you cry it out or self soothe. Which is really an odd response since babies are helpless and cannot feed or care for their needs by themselves. We have since learned that babies eventually stop crying because no one responds. The earliest form of communication was effectively silenced and the basic need was not met. The invisible scars of unmet childhood needs can make it challenging to thrive.
Each of us are shaped by our genetics and the environment in which we live. I have yet to meet a single person who went through childhood completely unscathed. Yet, some children have suffered adverse childhood experiences, such as abuse, neglect, and family dysfunction.
Scientific research suggests that a baby’s neurological, physical, behavioral and relational skills all develop and emerge together. In addition to food, water and a roof over one’s head, we need close physical human contact and social interactions in order to develop optimally. There is a correlation between effective brain functioning and emotional & physical well-being.
Brain growth is stimulated each time an infant is held, fed, rocked and spoken to. However, deprivation or harm can impact a child’s development, including the neurochemical pathways in a child’s brain. And the consequences can linger years later. Isolation is damaging to an infant as evidenced by preventing circuitry in a child’s brain from developing fully which can eventually diminish the child’s ability to concentrate, control emotions, process social cues and think logically.
An attachment is a personal bond between a child and his/her parent(s) or primary caregiver(s). Children become securely attached when they feel consistently safe and nurtured by reliable caregivers early in life. Securely attached children are confident that they have a safe base to return to as they explore the world around them. Children who grow up in neglectful, unprotective, abusive or traumatic environments will conclude that humans are unreliable, untrustworthy or should be avoided altogether. Inconsistent emotional connection, invalidation and messages that our worth is not inherent, lead to maladaptive coping mechanisms.
Behind a child’s behavior is an unspoken message. Perhaps s/he is desperately seeking security and approval wherever and however, or is terrified of being abandoned or maybe s/he is numbing emotional pain. Children have little bodies with big emotions and if no one taught them how to identify, express or manage those emotions in a healthy way, or how to express their needs, then they are left to their own devices to figure it out with very limited brain development.
And if the behavior is punished or ignored, children come to believe that no one understands them or cares about their needs. Inappropriate behaviors could be driven by unprocessed trauma or neurological limitations.
Behavior provides clues to pain, fear and needs. Emotional reactivity is a sign of unfinished business. The need for unconditional acceptance, emotional warmth, and the reassurance that we belong doesn’t disappear when we grow up. Sadly, It just finds new, sometimes destructive, ways to express itself, such as acting out sexually.
Learning about child development, attachment styles and family dynamics is not an excuse for unhealthy coping mechanisms. This knowledge can provide a deeper understanding of why you do what you do and potentially help you recognize that you are enough to be loved and accepted.
If you haven’t already done so, I highly recommend that you Download the Live Free Community App – Access teaching and community focused on understanding your emotional needs and learning to meet them in healthier ways. Don’t continue to walk this path alone. This is a community where you can truly belong.
References:
Purvis, Karyn B., Cross, David R., Sunshine, Wendy Lyons. The Connected Child. New York, McGraw-Hill, 2007.