Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Today before leading worship in Church together, Christian boyfriend, of 3 months, told me that he had been viewing porn earlier that morning. It was a massive shock to me and I feel very hurt as it feels like he has committed adultery. I have been praying about it since. I have immediately forgiven him and refuse to judge him as we are all fallen sinners. We are deeply in love with each other despite the fact we have been together for only a short time. We spend time together everyday and have developed a very strong bond already. I am certain this is the man God wants me to marry. I can’t imagine being without him.
However, I don’t know how to approach talking to him about this subject? I’m not sure how to respond and handle this. Is this a marriage-dealer breaker? Am I not honouring myself, God by staying in this relationship? What implications could this have on our future marriage? What can I do to suuport him and help him overcome this struggle and find freedom in victory over sin? I believe in Gods power to transform our lives, but I am very scared about the future.
As a woman who once had a boyfriend who served on the worship team who was also using porn and who ironically was OK with crossing boundaries with me…I want to say RUN. As a woman who got engaged to that same man and he was still on the worship team, still using porn and we were still crossing lines, I want to say RUN… Of course in my ignorance I thought we could beat this thing together and once we got married and could have “permissible sex”, the marriage bed would take care of this beast called pornography. Oh I was so naive.
So as a woman who dealt with it for 13 years until my husband finally chose the world (which of course I would have never imagined because of course my dream was freedom and then us being used in ministry together to help others break free of the same bondage) I want to say R U N… As a woman on this team here at XXXchurch that sees this every single day destroying men, women and marriages, I want to say RUN… and not because I think your boyfriend is awful or not able to overcome. I say it because I know it is a long haul- rarely instantaneous and you must be prepared to handle the roller-coaster ride that it can tend to be.
Here are some things I would say are a must if you choose to stay:
I know this is going to sound harsh to you because when someone tried to tell me the same I was angry… “they just didn’t know him or our love”.
They were right all along and had I listened to their counsel I would have saved myself and my love a ton and a half of heartache and probably 15 years of our lives.
Pornography and pornography addiction CAN be overcome in one’s life but the person needs to put all the right things in place and do their part– they have to want it more than you want it for them. We have an abundance of resources on the main areas of XXXchurch.com I would recommend you both start in the start here section.
Because he has not been trustworthy in the past I went searching for porn. I found it.
As I was searching I ask myself, what will you do if/when you find it?
Well, I need help with that answer. I don’t know what to do.
He always finds a new place to hide it, so his interest had not stopped by me finding it and confronting him about it.
I now understand his obsession with a certain sex act, as that is what two of the three mags was about.
Where do I go from here?
I can only give you recommendations. It sounds like your husband is not ready to deal with his addiction or if he is then he is fooling himself by leaving things in place that will cause him to further stumble.
Have you been to any kind of counseling?
Does he say he wants to stop this behavior? That is the real question because if he says he does then there should be things in place that help him to achieve his goals. Real accountability and involvement in a support group or community of like minded men on a path of healing. Consider the Start Here section on our main site.
For you- the spouse there is a spouses section. We also have groups available to both the one struggling and for the one who loves them. www.X3groups.com
You are definitely not alone, the key is going to be finding a safe community to where you can grow in peace regardless of what your husband’s choices are.
In the past month I found out that my husband lied that he had overcome his porn addiction. We are newlyweds and he told me when we first started dating that it was no longer an issue for him, and I asked him countless times throughout our dating relationship and engagement regarding this. I eventually caught him, unfortunately. We are seeking counsel from a godly couple who went through this and the proper restrictions have been put on our devices.
So I was talking to a close friend, whose husband also struggles with porn, and she suggested that I ask my husband what fantasies he has, so that we can perform them and I would be the replacement of whatever we would watch. My gut feeling initially was that it is a bad idea. If the fantasies are degrading in anyway, I would not want to do them. But if they could be performed in a loving and/or playful way, is it bad? Could this be helpful for my husband as he tries to rewire his brain? Or would this do the exact opposite?
Respectfully, I disagree with your friend.
I am going to elaborate based on your declaration of being Christians. You’re never going to rewire your husband’s brain. His brain is already wired and can be transformed through the word of God not through acting out his sinful fantasies with his wife. You can do what you can to learn more about the natural wiring of men’s brains and how you can respond to that but I would not recommend role playing the fantasies that were a part of his addiction to pornography. I think you are opening both of you up to potential disaster and more heartache.
I do think you can spice up your own sex-life in a healthy way. And I would definitely recommend taking a look at strongermarriages.com – the blogs and the variety of workshops available there.
I think you’re already on the right track with this other couple that you’re seeking godly counsel from. Stay close to one another and keep short accounts with GOD.
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