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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
So about a month ago, my girlfriend of 5 months all the sudden asked me if i looked at porn. I didnt want to tell her because I knew she would be very one sided about it, but i guess i cant blame her… So i did tell her and said I struggle with it sometimes, which sent her into a downward spiral pretty much. We have talked about it some, but the conversation always ends up badly. I try to justify and make her believe that it is not because of her and that I first saw porn when I was like 13, trying to tell her that its not her fault but she just feels so crushed and hurt. Fortunately we didnt break up but she wants me to go to my church and seek help from somebody because I obviously havent done a good job trying to conquer this on my own, yeah I’ve read some books but it seemed to always come back… my question is, what can she do or what can i do to help her through this? Cause i know she has been affected by it. Thanks
I agree with your girlfriend that talking with someone from the church or in your sphere of influence is a good idea. It would be great to have someone encourage you, challenge you and spur you on. I would also add that your girlfriend needs the same from a godly woman. This is your battle– not hers. She needs accountability too because without it– the focus then becomes her, her feelings, her hurt, etc. It’s not about her (yes I know it affects her) she needs to find her value and her worth from God and what He says about her. This world is full of troubles- it is full of temptation and disappointments but if she is rooted and grounded in God she will not be so easily shaken. Her emotional responses will only serve to be a distraction in your recovery. I might add that I am a woman responding to this because a woman could see that and think it must be coming from a man who doesn’t understand. Quite the contrary— this advise is coming from a woman who dealt with this for over a decade in her marriage. I’m thankful for the women in my life who made me own my own responses- my own walk with God and my own reactions to the sins of others. Best wishes to you!
My girlfriend said today that “I just feel bad compared to those people. They’re just so much prettier than I am, and I feel sick about that.” I had a bad incident the other night and ended up seeing some porn and then I masturbated. I told her what happened, and neither of us is happy. I just want to know, is there a way we can get security, and meaning back into our relationship? I want to end the struggle with porn, now and for ever, regain trust in my girlfriend, and trust in myself. It’s also hard to stay true to God, to keep the faith. Is there any hope?
Of course there is hope! But when you are focused only on the struggle and the failures, it is overwhelming. One step, one day at a time. While I understand you desire to instill trust back into the relationship and that’s a good thing— it cannot be your motivation nor can it be your reason for walking out your recovery. I would definitely suggest that you get some good and solid discipleship from a godly man. Someone you can trust, talk to and be transparent with your struggles. Someone who will encourage you, challenge you and spur you on.
Spend some time on our site, perhaps even join an X3group.
Give yourself a chance to get back up. And remember Matthew 6:33- Seek God first and everything else will fall into place.
Working through my addiction, I understand the things I should keep far from my mind. I wonder, however, if fantasizing about my wife is okay. Lots of times, I’ll visualize her wearing only a bra and panties (or less). I also daydream about the two of us having sex. I understand the whole point of marriage is that I have one person with whom I can do these wonderful things, but is fantasizing about them only fueling my addiction?
I think this is a tough one for me to answer because there are some that would say any type of fantasy is still not including your wife and is focused inward. Personally though (and it’s just that- my opinion) I see nothing wrong with your mind being fixed on your wife when you are apart. You are taking delight in her and in what awaits you when you come back together again in the marriage bed. Now… where your fantasy goes from there is the question. If it causes you to act out in self pleasure then what benefit is it to your marriage bed or to the intimacy you share with your wife? So again- there is really more to this question than just a blanket answer.
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