Questions

Hopefully you are not planning on having sex outside of marriage but you never mentioned marriage in your paragraph… just that you’re a virgin, the girl you are dating is not and you are worried that your penis isn’t big enough or comparable to those she has experienced.    

Isn’t this just sad?   THIS is what sexual-sin does to us.   If you are someone who looks at porn (guessing that is why you are here at XXXchurch.com) then you are seeing a whole lot of performance sex and most performers are enhanced or using enhancers.  The viewer then looks at themselves in comparison to this and thinks they can’t measure up (pun intended!)   Porn viewers also have their mind washed by false ideas and images of what sex should be like between couples.  Porn is selfish.

Sex the way God designed it is selfless and giving, out of that comes gratification- both sexually and intimately.  It is an expression of the love between husband and wife.  There are no comparisons.   In marriage you’ve already established (before the ceremony) a desire to spend a lifetime with the other person and you’ve cemented that by entering into a covenant of marriage with that person.  That means if this is the girl for you and she say’s yes to marriage— she doesn’t want what she has previously had, she wants YOU.. 

My suggestion— stop focusing on your penis and start focusing on all the wonderful things you bring to the table in the relationship and look upon your girl that way too.  

At a time when you should be experiencing the awesomeness of pregnancy and bringing a new life into the world with your spouse, the last thing you want to be dealing with is feeling rejected coupled with your husband’s pornography use.

I don’t know if this is something that your husband has been struggling with for awhile or if this is just as of recent but regardless— it is not about you (even though it affects you tremendously).     This is your husband’s battle, his struggle and he needs to deal with it.     Have you told him how you feel?   If so, what about bringing someone else into that conversation?  A pastor,  a trusted friend?

Remember this (and I know it is hard)… our worth does not come from our husbands.   It comes from God.   God is crazy about you.  You are written on the palms of His hands (Isaiah 49:16).  We as wives of men who have turned elsewhere (whether images or people) need to know that it is not about us— but we do have a responsibility to our marriages and to make sure we are doing our part as a whole.

Seek out some marriage counseling as a whole.  My guess is there are other issues, not just the bedroom.   You guys may even want to check out our latest series called “Best Sex Life Now”.

Lastly– we have an abundance of resources and blogs in the spouses section of the site that you may find beneficial and encouraging.

I’m so sorry that this is going on in your marriage.  Clearly it sounds like your husband is a sex addict and needs professional help and support.   All the “I’m sorry’s” in the world will not bring about change if they are not met with true repentance which requires a plan of action to help the one in sin lay it down and turn it around.

Your husband has to want this for himself as much as you want it for him.   He needs to seek out help in the form of counseling and accountability…if he is admitting to being a porn addict then dealing with that addiction is what it is going to take.  You’ve already tried dealing with it on your own– you tried a separation,  none of that worked.   So get some counseling, invite someone in to help hold your husband accountable– you need to seek out support for yourself as well.   We have an entire section for spouses on the main site.

Best wishes.