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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
Ive been tempted with porn and masturbation since I was 12 and Ive struggled to be clean of it and have talk with my dad and told friends about this. However I started dating this girl 9 months ago and I feel convicted to tell her. Should I and if so how? I want to be honest with her but don’t know i should wait until I’m further in the relationship?
I think if you’ve been dating for 9 months she probably needs to know. I think you need to be limited in detail but I do think she needs to know where you’re at with it.
Hi, my husband and I have been married for 3 years–today actually. He is truly a wonderful incredible person who adores me. But I have been suspicious about him watching/looking at porn during our entire relationship but decided it was my own paranoias. I was raped in college by a boyfriend who also cheated on me, and thus had a lot of insecurities and issues from. I always thought that I was being jealous and paranoid and never said anything to my husband. But I came home from a weekend trip yesterday to a porn site with explicit photos up on my computer screen. I asked about it, he admitted it and was deeply apologetic and told me he doesn’t look often, but it’s always been a problem for him. The whole experience has crushed me and really set me back in my healing from my past and I don’t really know how to cope with this. If he’s telling the truth and this is a rare thing, is it worth getting so worked up over or is it all stemming from my past?
Thanks for your question. I’m glad you researched help for the wife and found us.
A couple of things I want to point out.
1. Your past and the issues that happened there are for you and God to deal with and have nothing to do with your husband’s behavior with porn (although terribly disappointing and hurtful) but clearly can set off all kinds of emotions triggering recollection and familiare feelings of hurt, rejection, abandonment and pain. When a spouse marries, s/he take a vow to forsake all others and when something like this is discovered it breaks trust. If the affected spouse is already suffering with self-esteem issues or things in the past that have not been really dealt with then yes- it sets all of that on fire all over again.
2. Your husband needs to deal with this regardless if it is only an occasional thing because he has admitted its been a long-time “struggle” (regardless of the frequency) AND it is troublesome to you– therefore it is not going to help your marriage or foster the type of integrity in intimacy that you need and deserve.
We have X3groups running strong if you think your husband would be willing to commit to a weekly call or internet chat with a group of men who are dealing with the same issues. Pure Life Ministries offers more in depth counseling including a live-in program for men and an at home counseling program for wives. Only your husband knows the degree to which he battles so offer him these options. But remember to do it in a non-judgmental way coming from a place of love– not a “you hurt me so I need you to do this” place.
Lastly for you. You need other women (but you still need to be respectful of your husband’s privacy and not share with every girlfriend you have) that you can journey with who have been there or are currently there so that you can be encouraged and encourage others. Partners For Purity is an online ministry for women who are affected by the sexual sin of someone they love. Check them out!
I’ve been where you are. Its not easy BUT it is a place of honor when you think that God chose YOU to be a helpmate to this man. You actually have a LOT of power through L O V E. You also have a lot of power that can spin this in the wrong direction and I know you don’t want to do that so I encourage you to work on you while your husband works on himself and even if he doesn’t (or doesn’t to the degree you think he should) you can trust God with him. God knows what he needs to bring him to repentance.
Best wishes,
Michelle
Is there any advice/method for withstanding temptations for someone who single and says though they struggle with thoughts often they do not masturbate/watch porn frequently (like once every 6 months). They do not have an addiction, or it doesn’t seem they do since it’s not effecting every day life although ultimately it hurts their relationship with God and they recognize that. They understand it is wrong to think about it and act on it, but are just struggling even with those infrequent times. Is it the same for someone who is addicted? Is it addiction?
Hey Rebecca,
It doesn’t sound like you are an addict but I don’t want to negate that you are feeling a powerful conviction from the Holy Spirit and that is what needs to be dealt with. I know it is hard being single and a woman. Most think this is only a man’s deal but they couldn’t be farther from the truth. I also know that hormonal cycles (menstrual) can really bring on the “urge” for a sexual release. I can also tell you as a woman that God can help you and deliver you from the behavioral part of self-gratification. Keep your eyes on Christ. Set goals for yourself and don’t beat yourself up just keep pursuing Christ. Make sure to remove every hindrance and unrighteousness from your path.
God bless you,
Michelle
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