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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
I’m a christian. I’ve a wonderful girlfriend. We’re waiting with sex until marriage. I’ve been a porn addict. I’ve cut the porn. We’re on a long distance relationship. However, that’s not the main problem. I’m in love with my girlfriend. She’s attractive, but however I can’t stop focusing on the looks. She’s not the best looking in my opinion, which makes me thinking that I could get a better looking girlfriend. I’m totally in love with her personality, but sometimes I can’t focus on anything other than her appearence. Why doesn’t she want to work out so she get hotter, why can’t she eat less are questions I keep asking myself. I feel bad about this, and I really need help. The media focuses on this, and the ideal woman is presented there. I hate that I can’t find my girlfriend more attractive. There’s a good book named “Every mans battle” by Stephen Arterburn which focuses on this topic, but it doesn’t help. It’s funny cause the women ideal is changing every decade. It goes from skinny to bigger and to normal and so on, which means, it can’t be hard for me either to change my view on how my girlfriend looks. I hope you’ve some great advice for me, as I really need help. I don’t want to leave this relationship. I’m in love, but have a hard time not focusing on her appearence. I’m myself very aware of my own appearance, I work out 5 times a week, so it’s not that weird I also focus on her appearance. Thanks!
you nailed it yourself. The media has set up a trap and you’ve stepped in it. Also being a porn viewer is a good way to set yourself up to be superficial with how your woman should look or behave.
Respectfully, what you have written is wonderful in your ability to be honest so I want to give you kudos for that and I want to be gentle in how I respond. This is so superficial and if you are only focused on looks and outside appearances then eventually you’re going to be alone or with someone that has what you’re “looking” for but won’t possess all the wonderful things that your girlfriend possess.
You may want to check out Pure Life Ministries- they have some great articles and they do talk about this.
Best wishes
So I have been dealing with porn and masturbation. I was caught by my wife on Saturday and well things blew up. She does not know how I could do this to our marriage. I am getting help to quit, including this site, but I need to know how to fix what I broke, my wife trust and heart. Any thoughts at what I can do?
It is going to take time to rebuild and earn trust, reliability and dependability. I heard someone once say you can spend years making deposits into savings and it only takes one withdrawl to break the bank. You’re human so you’re not perfect but walking with God- staying accountable (truly accountable) to another Godly man with a strong walk and continuing to serve your wife (and family) is a great start at rebuilding.
Best wishes
Hey, This may sound really dumb, but I’m just trying to do the right thing. I haven’t looked at full-blown pornography, but in the past I’ve searched things I should not have searched (like wikipedia articles on sex), or athletics articles with attractive women, or on a couple of occasions I’ve clicked on people’s facebook profiles if I’ve found them attractive. This hasn’t accompanied masturbation or anything like that, and usually in the middle of it I’ve got a hold of myself and clicked out of it. (Like, how did I get here?! What am I doing?) I was exposed to porn as a teenager by my dad, I was addicted for a while as a teen and have had occasional slips since I’ve been married, but never full addiction. I’ve talked to my wife about my failures in the past, and she’s been forgiving but at one point she has threatened to leave me. I have not been the most caring or involved husband, I feel like my feelings are very shut off and hard to express, which has made our marriage difficult on top of this. Furthermore, she has a bad perception of your own body image and I don’t want her to feel worse. I’m afraid if I tell her some of my failings now she’s going to feel awful and possibly leave me. I have three children and I’m terrified I’ll barely get to see them again. This things may seem minor compared to others, but it bothers my conscience to not tell anyone. I’ve repented to God and have no desire to screw up again, and for the most part I have things under control. I just have keeping these things secret. Are these failures even confession-worthy? Am I just suffering from an over-sensitive conscience? Or do I tell her, and how do I?
Bless your heart. You do sound so sincere and like you really want to make things right. I would consider finding yourself a good male friend that you can share with- someone you trust. If you are not acting out with porn and masturbation then I do not know what there is to confess to your wife. But I do think talking with a trusted friend about the pressures and the temptations can help relieve them. If you haven’t checked out Craig Gross’ latest book OPEN, I would highly recommend it.
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