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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
My Daughter is showing signs of needing deliverance as she has suddenly began to have blank stares. She won’t answer me when we discuss what’s going on with her. She had recenetly denounced lust and porn but back slid and went back on sites on her cell phone. Since she admitted it, and we prayed for her, she has had these side effects. She no longer has access to any form of technology. She is displaying depression but I know there is a root spirit there that is holding her captive and keeping her from talking. Any referrals other than natural counseling. I don’t won’t to resolve to medication. I know this is a spiritual matter.
I would recommend that you continue to talk to your daughter and pray with her for healing. Try your best not to blame or shame your daughter or make her feel “dirty” — often times, children shut down if they feel ashamed or blamed. Pornography, as you know, is extremely destructive and addictive, and we have known many children and adults who have benefited from Christian counseling–and I would recommend that you consider seeking counseling for her. Additionally, I would strongly recommend that you install filters and strong parental controls on all Internet-enabled devices, inclusing your daughter’s phone, so as she regains access to her cell phone, inappropriate sites will be blocked. I would also recommend giving your daughter a game plan with regard to next steps and setting up clear rules for Internet use. For example, explain that she will lose her Internet and phone privileges if you discover that she is accessing pornographic sites.
Hello, I am a recovering porn consumer. Previous pornography addiction caused great problems in my marriage and personal life. My question however is regarding my two young kids (ages 6 and 7). I’ve read and followed your parents action steps and have had some small level talks with both about sexuality and their bodies. They are still very open to asking me questions and me being their role model. The oldest asked me a few days ago why his penis got hard when he touched it. I was not very ready to answer the question. I told him it was a normal body reaction and that even though its normal it was best if he tried to not do it. I feel i didn’t do a great job at explaining, perhaps it was my opportunity to elaborate more on the subject? can you help me with some directions on how to address his question in a better way? Seeing the problems pornography has brought to my life, i want to protect them and encourage a proper sexual education. But at the same time I do not want to introduce them to terms and information they perhaps are not ready to handle. We also have Open DNS in our home router, as well as x3watch on all iPads, iPhones and home computers. thanks.
First of all, let me commend you for using filters on all of your Internet-connected devices and for starting an open dialogue with your sons about their bodies and healthy sexuality. You are right to be cautious about introducing them to terms and information that they are not quite ready to handle, and a six or seven-year-old boy may not be ready to handle the term masturbation or think in a more complex way about purity.
It is, however, very normal for kids at that age (and younger) to be curious about their body parts and to explore their genital region as well. Try your best to avoid shaming, scolding or punishing them when they are engaging in this natural development process–you don’t want to convey that their body parts are bad or something they should be ashamed about. It sounds like you took a balanced and calm approach (especially given the suprise you must have felt!) — and I believe you did a good job of providing a simple answer. This answer, however, is just the first step of an ongoing conversation that you will need to have with both of your sons. If you haven’t noticed any unusualy behavior or a fixation on self-stimulation, then I would casually bring up the subject of masturbation in another few months (or up to a year) as part of your ongoing check-in and conversation with your sons about healthy sexuality. Simply saying something to the effect of “You know how when you touch your penis it gets hard and feels good? This is a natural feeling and a normal response that your body has when you touch it like that. But that feeling can keep you from doing other things that make you feel good — other things that are fun. What are some of the other things that you like to do? What are some other things that are fun? It’s better to focus on those things right now.” If you are having more of a general sex talk, then I think it’s important for kids to understand how their bodies work, and talking about an erection can be folded into that conversation — then you can reinforce that these feelings of pleasure are best saved for and experienced in marriage… that God made man and woman to connect sexually in marriage, and that sex and the phsyical pleasure that accompanies it is meant for a husband and wife. As your kids grow towards their tween and teen years, then you can introduce topics like avoiding lust and purity in a more full-bodies sense, but for now, keeping it simple is fully age-appropriate.
My son has named me, his mother, as his accountability partner. Although I think my husband (his dad) would be a better choice, perhaps he chose me because I am more vocal about issues people struggle with and what the Bible has to say about it. I get the accountability report every Sunday once a week. (That sure doesn’t seem often enough!) My son and I set a time each morning to call and talk to each other on the phone, do devotions, and talk about God. I ask him if he’s been to any questionable sites. I encourage him in his trying to get closer to God, that God is the one that will help him control this addiction, that “white knuckling it” doesn’t work. I tell him the closer he gets to God, the closer he will get to kicking this addiction. That in spending time with God, His “essence” will rub off on my sonl and he will find that the more he falls in love with God, the more he will fall OUT of love with sin. Is there more that I can say to him or do? I browsed your site but the only stuff for parents was for kids under 18. That’s not my situation. He’s my son but he’s a grown man. Do you have any advice for me? I’m so frustrated because even with my love and counseling, he’s still feeding his addiction. I find myself getting angry and feeling like he just doesn’t care at all. I myself have never been addicted to porn, although I know what it is like to struggle with something you can’t control which, as much as you try, you can’t seem to hand over to God. I love him so much and I hate to see him suffer. Satan is shaking him like a rag doll. He’s already lost the woman he wanted to marry because of this. Since he’s a computer software expert, he keeps hacking around the software meant to help him, and he finally got kicked out of his church because he just wouldn’t do the things the leadership told him he should do to get past this problem. I want to help him finally make the decision to just let God help him! What can I do?
First off, I am very sorry to hear about this long-standing struggle that your son has had with pornography addiction. Secondly, it sounds like you are doing absolutely everything that you can as a mother to help your son battle his addiction to pornography; this situation is not your fault, and, additionally, you are not responsible for what your son does and doesn’t do now as an adult. While you can continue to be available to him, to pray for him, to counsel him and to be his accountability partner, ultimately, it’s up to your son whether he is going to take the steps he needs to take to begin to walk in freedom. He needs to own his sin and his addictions and do everything possible to walk away from his pornography addiction. We’ve worked with addicts that have left their jobs, gotten rid of their computers, moved cities, etc. to protect themsleves because they realized freedom from pornography meant more to them than their job or their current lifestyle. Counseling and therapy can also be incredibly helpful–there is only so much that you can do as his mom. He also should be seeking medical help to identify what is holding him back (because it seems as if there is something in him that just isn’t yet ready or willing to give up his pornography addiction). With Christ’s help, there is always a way to overcome sin–your son needs to beleive this and walk in this truth. Overcoming even the deepest, darkest sex addiction is possible–we’ve seen it time and again–but the individual who is struggling has to be willing to take the responsibility and stop telling themselves lies and excuses–they need to be willing to give up their pornography addiction. And ultimately, as a mom, as hard as it is, you need to trust God with your son. Your son may fall deeper, and he may run farther away from freedom from pornography before he begins to take real heart steps towards being freed, but I fully believe that if he wants to be fully free, then he will get there. May the Lord be with you.
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