Questions

Firstly, I am so sorry that your daughter has become caught up in male on male pornography use.  It’s important for parents to avoid placing any lables on their kids whenever they find them struggling with pornography.  When a user first begins to enteract with pornography, there are literally hundreds of different types of pornography that they will be introduced to.  Both women and men–boys and girls–will often find themselves getting involved with content that initially didn’t turn them on, or which, at the onset, wouldn’t have seemed “normal”.  But in the anything goes world of Internet (and offline) pornography, a user can become quicly board/move onto different types of sexual activity and expirementation.  

In our work with teens and adults, we work with women and men who are both “straight” but who have become addicted to a wide variety of Internet pornography — from girl on girl to group sex to male on male and violent content.  Viewing this content does not define who or what a person is or what their sexual preference may be.  Viewing explicit content of any kind, however, can, and often does, begin to shape and change a person’s sexual desires.  Most of the recovering sex addicts we work with do have to retrain their brain to pursue those things which are “pure” or thought to be normal sexually.

With your daughter, I am so sorry that your ex-wife shamed her so horribly.  That would be incredibly traumatic for anyone, especially a vulnerable and broken teen girl.  Trust will need to be rebuilt, and you will need to continue to affirm your daughter and tell her that you do not blame her and you do not think she is gross or perverted, but you do want to help her.  Tell her you’ve heard stories of people that have been really messed up by pornography, and, while you know that it can be something someone may want for a while, in the end, it can cause relaitonship problems, body image issues and the like.

I think if would be appropriate to have her visit with a counselor who can provide her with the space and opportunity to open up in a judgement-free zone.  It’s usually the shame and embarassment that shuts down anyone who is struggling.  She must be reminded that she is not defined in any way by what she was looking at, but that you (and your ex-wife) want what’s best for her and want to help her.  Try to get at the root of the issue–how did she discover the pornography?  Why does she think she is using it?  Etc..

Hey Rachel,

My name is Shellie R. Warren and I am the women’s blog editor for the site.

This is a really good question (or series of questions) that you asked. Let me start by saying this: If your son is living in your home, then as adult as he might feel, he’s not “adult enough” to make the calls. At 38, I can’t believe that I am starting to sound like my mother (LOL) but it really is the truth. 18 is the age that *the world* deems is “adult” but God is Spirit (John 4:24) and Hebrews 5:12-14 speaks of the importance of spiritual maturity and Paul spoke quite well of being a man who put away childish things (I Corinthians 13:11) and well, 2 Timothy 2:22(NKJV) says “Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.”

As a parent but also as a person who loves another struggling individual, you have the right to want to do all that you can to protect your son (I Thessalonians 5:14) and when we’re in a spiritual battle (Ephesians 6:10-20), we have to remember that it’s not always (or even usually) going to be an “easy fight”. There is software on the computers *in YOUR house* and honestly, that won’t just cause you to protect your son but spirits, in general, from coming into your home (Matthew 12:43-45). You are protecting *everyone* in your space by making that decision. Including you and your husband.

Secondly, I come from a line of substance abusers, on both sides of my family. I used to have a really big habit of sending them cash when they were in trouble. When you are struggling with addiction, you’re not always able to hold down a job or pay bills and so you are always in need BUT when you get cash, you tend to not spend it on what you need to buy; you only get more drugs. By giving them money, I thought I was helping them, but I was actually only doing more harm. Your son telling you that he promises not to watch porn if you take the “safety measures” off sounds similar to what the substance abusers in my life would say to me. Honestly, if your son was really committed to wanting to get free, he wouldn’t mind, *in the least*, that you have our software loaded.

Now, I will also say that: I’ve been an accountability partner for someone with our software before and it can tend to be pretty sensitive. So, I would recommend that you *thoroughly* go through the links before you confront him with anything that you’ve seen and honestly, it would probably be better if his father did it. Boys don’t tend to be as comfortable speaking with a woman, *especially their mom*, about this kind of issues and you don’t want him to get to a point where he is hypersensitive. My advice would be to simply explain to him that the software is for the his protection as well as the household in general and that if he’s not intending to go to “certain sites” then there is nothing to worry about and that the only time the software issue will even come up is if you discover that the did indeed attempt to go to a porn site.

God entrusted you with your son to help to guard his mind, body and soul. Make no apologies for that.

We’ll be praying for you,

SRW

I think taking a direct approach is best, but to better address this question, I would want to know why the parents suspect their child was looking at pornography and what age the child is.  Generally, if parents are using strong parental controls, accountability software and a filter, they should be notified if someone in their home is attempting to acces pornography.  If these parents aren’t using parental controls, then it’s not a question of “if” their child is, or will come across pornography, but rather “when”.  Even if a child isn’t looking for pornography, without strong filters, they can easily, accidentally come across pornography, and because of how addictive pornography is, even brief exposure can open the door towards addictive access.  

Finally–back to what I initially said about taking a direct approach.  If the child is under 9 years old, then I would recommend asking them if they have seen anything scary or inappropriate online (or on TV/magazine/any Internet-connected device) — remind them that you are not there to blame or shame them, and that you don’t blame them for whatever they saw.  Ask them if they have any questions about what they have seen online, and ask them to describe what they have seen.  If they are 9 or over, it’s pretty likely that they have heard the term pornography, so I think it’s fair to ask if they have every encountered naked pictures or videos online.  Remember to take a breath and not to accuse/blame or shame — the key is to keep the lines of communication open and explain why pornography is something to stay away from.