Questions

I would strongly recommend that you take a direct approach with your son if you’ve discovered that he is looking at pornography.  If he thinks he’s old enough to look at pornography, then he should be old enough to have an honest conversation about sex, pornography and purity.  

Remember, however, not to blame or shame your son.  Ask him how he first discovered pornography (was he exposed by a friend?  was he just curious about sex?), and how long he’s been loking at it.  Explain to him why you think that pornography is harmful to him, and why it’s not a good idea for him to continue looking at pornography.  Also, make sure you install strong parental controls and a strong filter on all of the Internet-enabled devices in your home (gaming consoles/portable devices/laptops/desktops/iPads/smartphones, etc.) to prevent further exposure, and explain to your son why you are placing parental controls and a filter on the devices.  

Help your son to understand that you love him and that you don’t think he is gross or perverted in any way–that you know that a lot of kids are tempted to look at pornography, but that you are always available for him to talk to, and that you want to help him protect his purity and have a perspective on sex that honors God and will protect him from addiction.

Thank you for your question, and I am so sorry to hear that your 14-year-old nephew is accessing pornography and struggling between the rules at his mom’s house and his dad’s house.

When you talk to your nephew, remember to try not to blame or shame him.  It’s likely that he will feel very embarasssed that you discovered this content on his iPhone, and you want him to be able to trust you and continue to open up to you about this matter.  Also, help him to understand your perspective: why you think that accessing pornography can be harmful (we have some information here both on having the talk and on pornography and parenting) and why you think it would be better for him to stay away from pornographic content.  I would also consider suggesting that his mom and his dad talk and try-if at all possible–to come up with some shared rules regarding media use.  Ask your nephew how he first accessed the pornography and ask him if he has any questions regarding what he has seen.  Help him to understand that you understand that a lot of kids struggle with looking at pornography, and that being curious about sex is a natural feeling for someone of his age, but that the content that he sees in pornography is not natural or normal sexual expression.  Help him to understand what you believe to be the best context for sex.

Additionally, consider getting your nephew a few books to help him understand the dangers of pornography and which can advise him regarding what to do with his desires/lust/etc. such as Every Young Man’s Battle and Pure Eyes–there are a number of teen-appropriate resources that can help here.

Talk with him about what he saw and let him know that it is something that can wreak his life. Let him know that you are there if he ever wants to talk about it and that you love him.

Then you need to get accountability for yourself and get rid of this from your life as well. Get the X3 Watch software and find an accountability partner who will hold you there.

Please know that you are not alone in this and God wants for the both of you to have a pure life. Take the steps.