Questions

I am so sorry that you are not getting support from your home church to help mentor your son.  I would strongly encourage you to continue to try to get your church leadership/youth group leadership on board with the issues relating to pornography and sex — I am certain that you are absolutely not alone in dealing with this as a mom at your church.  I bet almost every mom of a teenager is struggling to know what to do in this area (if they are not, then they probably have their heads in the clouds!).  A great resource to help get your youth group and church leadership involved is our Pure Sex Kit; it also might be helpful for you, as a parent to go through the content and with your son about it.

Another great resource for your son to read would be Every Young Man’s Battle — it’s written for young men, by a man and really gets to the heart of the issue with regard to purity and how to honor God sexually.

Additionally, I would encourage you to use parental controls (we recommend Safe Eyes) and a strong filter (like our X3watchPRO)–both of which will help protect your son as he is online by blocking his access to pornography sites.

Finally, I will pray that you and your ex-husband would miraculously get on the same page with this issue–perhaps explain one more time to your ex-husband why this is so important, and why you want his support in this one area.  Ask him if he really wants his son to become a porn addict… does he really want his son to struggle to view women as more than sexual objects?

Anyhow–so sorry for that you are going through, and I hope this helps!

It’s my belief that God is bigger than our brokenness and our sin, and He can redeem and work in even the messiest of situations.  

Obviously, God does not approve of divorce–it is His desire that those whom He has joined together in the covenant of marriage would not break that covenant.  However, although divorce is not God’s best, there are certain circumstances where the church has understood their to be leniency (such as cases of adultery or abuse).  If your daughter’s boyfriend tried to support, forgive and help his ex-wife end her cycle of adultery, with no change then (in my opinion) divorce is an unfortunate, but understandable relief from a situation that was already breaking God’s heart.

I have seen God bless men and women who have remarried, and if your daughter and this man honor God through their relationship, then it’s likely they will experience God’s blessing through their marriage.  I would, however, advise them to go through extensive pre-marital counseling before moving forward in their relationship.  Since your daughter’s boyfriend has been married before, and since that is obviously not the “ideal”, it’s important that he is healed up and truly ready to commit again.

Art therapy can be a great way to help kids deal with early childhood trauma, and early exposure to pornography can defintiely be a traumatic and defining moment for many children.  I commend you for engaging with this 9-year-old about his personal experiences and the exposure that he had to apparently very graphic (and perhaps even violent) pornography.  I think your approach to help him “change the channel” in his mind when the images come up is a strong approach.  Ask him to try to replace the images he starts to see in his mind with images that aren’t sexual in nature.  Try to help him come up with memories–places he has been, images or shows that he has seen that are non-sexual in nature, but which can help spark his imagination and get his brain creatively involved with non-harmful content.  I think you’re right that recreating the images does not necessarily help to “get the images out” of his head.  Perhaps you could try presenting him with some images of animals, sports figures, or outdoor activities that he could try drawing from and adding to.  It does seem, however, that he may need a continued outlet to help him process the images that he encountered at his bio home, so I would encourage you to keep the conversation going and help encourage him towards a healthier understanding of sexuality.  Another approach to help creatively engage his brain is to read some vivid/creative, non-sexual books together and ask him to draw the scenes as you read them… this can help to engage his imagination towards scenarios that are non-sexual!  So sorry to hear about this young boy’s early exposure, but grateful to know you are working with him through this!