Questions

Firstly, I am so sorry that you, your son and your family are going through this, and I am also sorry to hear that pornography had such a devastating impact on your uncle and father as well.  I am very glad that you now are using a password and a filter on your home computer, and I would strongly encourage you to use a filter (like our X3watchPRO) and parental controls (such as Safe Eyes) on all Internet-enabled devices in your whole family (laptops, gaming devices, cell phones, mp3 players, tablets, etc.) to make sure that your son cannot access pornography at any point.  As you have experienced, pornography can be highly addictive, and I think that you and your husband and your pastor will need to continue the discussion with your son about his struggles with pornography–what he has seen and how he is going to move forward.  Continue the conversation regarding how he would feel if someone treated his sister or someone he loved in the way that he has seen depicted in pornography.  Talk to him about the dark path of addiction and the impact that pornography use will have on his future family, wife and kids.  Help him to have a long-term perspective and teach him to pray for purity–talk to him about accountability.  I would also talk to your pastor to find out local resources for Christian counselors that specifically target sex addiction–this is a quickly growing field since so many children are beginning to struggle with porn addiction due to early exposure.  Also, consider getting your son “Every Young Man’s Battle” or “Questions You Can’t Ask Your Mama About Sex”, and having your husband go through the book together with him.

And I do hope that your pain will spare other parents from having ot go through the same ordeal: any parent that is reading this, recognize that you must be proactive in using filters and parental control software on all Internet-enabled devices–don’t wait until your child has developed a pornography addiction or been exposed to act–stop putting it off, and please take the step today so you don’t have to go through the same hardships as this family!

Finally, to your family, I would also remember to engage your daughter in regular conversations about sex and purity, especially since she was also exposed.  I know more and more girls that begin to struggle with pornography exposure, to make sure that you are helping her make sense of what she saw as well.  Once again, I am so, so sorry for what your family ahs gone through, and I commend you for asking brave questions of your son and trying to get him the help he needs.  I will be praying for his recovery and freedom from this addiction!

My heart is deeply, deeply saddened for you and for what your sons (and the foster child) has endured.  The cycle of sexual abuse and exposure to pornographic material is a vicious one, and it sounds as if the foster child has suffered quite a lot and has now brought your sons into the crosshairs of what he has experienced.   In addition to talking with the foster child, have you talked with the Christian family about installing a strong filter and parental controls on all of the Internet-enabled devices?  It seems as though they need to be vigilant about trying to cut off their son’s additional access to pornographic material, and they also probably need to get him in some Christian counseling.  He could also read Every Young Man’s Battle, to encourage him to know how to honor God with his sexuality.

With respect to your sons, do you and your husband use a filter and parental controls on all of your Internet-connected devices (gaming consoles, phones, portable gaming devices, laptops, etc.)?  If not, then I would strongly encourage you to use a program like Safe Eyes or our X3watchPRO.  When our kids encounter pornography for the first time, they often want to go back and see more, so this will help in your effort to protect them from further exposure.  

Also, take heart in the fact that your sons told you what happened!  This provides the opportunity for continued dialogue and leadership opportunities for you and your husband–I would encourage you to continue to pray with them about this and continue to talk to them about what healthy sexuality is about and how God designed sex to be.  God is able to heal hearts and minds from both exposure to sexual content and from deep-seeded sexual addiction.  I would encourage your husband to also talk in more depth with your sons, especially about masturbation–checking in with them every now and then to see if they are struggling in any way.  Although their exposure seemed pretty intense, and although it is so tragic that they also saw their friend masturbate and learned to masturbate, I have talked with so so so many teens, adults and kids who have had a similar experience at their age and who have been able to move forward with God’s help.  Lifting them up in your prayers is a huge step, and one that you will find you will need to continue to do as they get into their tween and teen years.  You are not alone in this, so many moms have had extremely similar experiences!!

I would also encourage you to stay in dialogue with the family with the foster child.  Chances are, that nothing troubling will happen as they drive to school together.  If that family is doing their part to get their son in counseling and is doing their part to help him heal from his sexual abuse and current sexual addictions, then having a car ride together should be OK.  I would, however, not allow the boys to spend any one-on-one time/alone time or additional time at the couple’s house or overnight going forward.  Ultimately, though, listen to your heart–it’s most important ot do everything you can to best protect your sons, so if that means not having them in a carpool together, then that is your choice.  

So sorry for what you have been though, but know that (sadly) in this age, you are not alone at all–this is a tragic, but common expereince for many families!  Praying for your family!

I am so sorry about what you are going through and will be praying that the Lord brings you some relief!  I will also pray that you would continue to have courage and faith that God will sustain you during this difficult time.  May He give you wisdom as you job search, work through all of the trouble of day-to-day life and as you try to be the best mom that you can be to your son.

Your son likely lies to you about visiting the sites because he is embarassed and ashamed.  I would encourage you to try to express to him again why it’s not a good idea to look at those sites (it sets false expectations, can be addictive, has a lot of violent content, presents sex outside of God’s best, makes it hard to connect to a real woman down the road, etc.), and try to get him involved with our site.  Perhaps your son could check out the teen section of this site which talks a lot about the struggles that teens face with regard to pornography and also can help him better understand why it’s important to walk in freedom from pornography use and addiction.

Finally, I would strongly encourage you to at least get our free X3watch software, and talk to your son about installing it.  If you are able, then it would also be great to get the X3watchPRO software, which not only monitors online activity but also blocks full access to pornography sites and explicit sites.