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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
My husband often gets upset or angry and treats me like this all week. Then he asks me for sex and I usually say no. Then he asks me to have mercy on him and to “help him”, so sometimes I do but I end up feeling used. I tell him all the time about needing to be treated with love as a part of foreplay throughout the day, as well as needing to be hugged and caressed. But he never does it. I feel frustrated sexually and cheated. When we do have sex it lasts 15 seconds and he promises to go again longer the second time, but it either doesn’t happen or I’m no longer in the mood. He has lied to me about looking at porn before and it broke trust between us for a while. Now he will confess being tempted to look if I confess first. I’m so frustrated and I feel like he won’t man up and take any responsibility or lead in any way. He claims he never got an accountability partner because no one would do it with him, but I only half believe him. He won’t go to any program or online help or any book on his own, adding to my frustration of feeling like he has a half effort going. We’ve tried marriage counseling on other issues but not this sex issue. I honestly don’t know if those counseling sessions worked any way because he’s still the same, not leading, disrespectful, and unloving.
“He claims he never got an accountability partner because no one would do it with him, but I only half believe him. He won’t go to any program or online help or any book on his own, adding to my frustration of feeling like he has a half effort going. We’ve tried marriage counseling on other issues but not this sex issue.”
If he is not owning up to his own issues and seeking help for them because he wants to then there is not a thing you can do to make him. We as wives can push and or manipulate to get them into counseling or to find an accountability partner but if their heart is not in it and they are not determined to work on themselves genuinely then there will be no solid outcome of recovery. Period.
You however can still work on you. You can choose to seek out counsel on this whether or not he ever does. His addiction WILL affect you and your sex life and your responses and or reactions will contribute to the cycle in one way or another.
This is not your fault. Your husband’s spiritual integrity issues are on him. He has to own that. His seeking satisfaction outside of the marriage is something he needs to own and clearly the consequences of that is what is happening in the bedroom.
I have so many things I could recommend to BOTH of you but he has to be on board. If he will get on board then definitely go back to counseling to deal with the sexual sin issues and consider going through the Best Sex Life Now workshop. Spend some time in our spouses section as well. See if he would consider joining an X3group where he could talk with other guys going through the same struggles.
My questions are endless -but I’ll start with the basics (and hey – when will there be a group for spouses…sign me up!) I am trying to walk the fine line of reducing my co-dependence and setting better boundaries with a full knowledge of God’s plan for me – while supporting my husband to get the help I think he needs. Married 15 years, three kids, affluent life in the suburbs – no physical intimacy and very little emotional intimacy for over 4 years. When I first figured out he was overusing porn and seeing prostitutes I believed his lies – that my excess baby weight made me unappealing and he was a “visual” person and he could stop if he wanted. After years of therapy for myself (he finds it a waste of time and money) and support from my church and friends I’ve come to understand that many of my body and food issues have been co-mingled with his in a co-dependent mess. But what is mine and what is his – feeling deserving of what I want emotionally and sensually – if he still thinks he ‘doesn’t have a problem” am I still to hold onto my belief that God wants more for both of us?? I’ve got SO many questions and could use some more help!
First of all, I am sorry that you are dealing with this in your marriage. Second, there is a group for spouses and I think it would be great for you. I have someone reaching out to you from our team about that through email but for further info please visit X3groups.com
Honestly, you sound pretty darn healthy emotionally and spiritually in spite of the betrayal in your marriage. I think it is wise to continue to seek godly counsel and direction for this and for your marriage. Hopefully your husband will catch up.
Setting boundaries is wise but it’s also a delicate issue in marriage. Townsend & Cloud offer a variety of Boundaries books and I recommend them highly. This is another area that a small group will help you with accountability for you. Often times a spouse will only look at their mate’s flaws and never see their own so I commend you for digging deep and looking within to see what drives you to seek our your own sin issues. Healing comes through revelation and then follow through. It sounds like you have the revelation, you are owning your own part and now you are following through. Good for you!!
Lastly another book that I think is solid and deals specifically with a spouse in habitual sexual sin is Laurie Hall’s “An Affair of the Mind”
Best wishes to you, dear one.
I am currently on the road to recovery from a 11 year sexual addiction, but hitting some road blocks in my marriage sex life. Because of my overactive imagination I don’t trust my mind with any sexual thoughts which has led me to shut off my sexuality and desire for sex. This has created issues in my marriage. So, I asking for any advice on how to turn my sexuality away from sin and towards my wife?
An undisciplined thought life for so many years definitely has consequences– even when we turn from our sin, there is an abundance of aftermath and you can’t rebuke a harvest once it is standing BUT… you can one day at a time cut it down. Renew your mind by the washing of the Word of God and putting in place a new way of living (romans 12:2 and Ephesians 4:22-24) With regards to withholding sexual relations from your wife (and yourself in marriage): there are psychologists and addiction specialists who will say that a period of abstinence is necessary to slow down the momentum of the mindset of this addiction and to ‘retrain’ yourself to reconnect spiritually and with your spouse… The bible says this:
1 Corinthians 7:1-7 Concerning Married Life
7 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
We have an abundance of resources here and I think a really good series for you both to go through is the Best Sex Life Now series. It is all about communication in and out of the bedroom and there are others who have experienced this in their marriage who share their experience and hope in bonus sessions!
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