Questions

Hi there. Before I married almost a year ago, my now husband was addicted to porn to a low-medium level, was open about it with me and overcame it just a few months before we married. We’re both Christians. Since then he hasn’t gotten back to porn, but recently said he thinks about me naked or us two having sex every day, 3-10 times a day, during his work or any other time he isn’t with me. I was shocked and don’t know if this is normal or healthy. He doesn’t think about any other women, just me. He doesn’t see any problem with it and says every man does it, but I’m not sure. Can anyone please give me a light on this? Just to add a little detail… We have really quick sex (just until he “gets there” with almost no foreplay) about once every week or two, most of the times I initiate. He turns me down many times during the week because he says he’s tired. I can’t grasp how someone can think about sex (or nakedness) so much and in addition not want to have “full” sex more than once a month, if ever. Is this normal?

I have been in a relationship for almost 8 years now. I found porn sites on my boyfriends laptop. Asked him about it but denied of watching porn. A year passed and I decided to check out his laptop again and there it was again. That time I couldn’t just trick myself into thinking he would never do this. So I confronted him and had a huge argument to where it finally broke him and he became clean about it. We are both Christians. So he’s really put the work into our relationship, work into changing those bad habits, etc. But I feel sometimes I’m holding back our relationship with feeling insecure about myself and how he views other women. That year I was tricking myself into thinking he wasn’t watching porn made me slightly addicted porn but not in the way others usually are. I found myself wanting to be like those women so that I could be attractive for him and basically taking notes to how I should be or look for him. But now I just find myself regretting seeing those things. But most of all the insecurity is what is bringing me down till this day. In what kind of ways can I help participate in patching up and making this relationship stronger… rather than look at the past and always be hurt by it?

Hello, I have a pretty rudimentary question but I guess I need it defined for my own personal recovery, not because I have an addiction but rather my husband does and I’m just trying to make sense of it all. I’ve read several books on recovery (written specifically for wives) but it’s difficult to move on when I still struggle to trust my husband; I don’t not feel as though he’s being honest about his own recovery. He went to counselor for a very short time. We also went to a marriage counselor for one or two sessions. Our daughter has some pretty severe health issues and so much of our “extra” income goes to her medical expenses. We haven’t been able to afford ongoing counseling because of other these other necessary expenses. So I’ve resorted to books. I have bought him some books too but I know he’s never read them, even after I’ve shared with him that it’s important to me. All that too say, I need a definition. I need clarification. What IS pornography. What is okay, and what is not okay. I have my own definitions, my own gut reactions but I am fairly conservative so maybe I’m over reacting. For example, my husband’s brother is fairly liberal, sends him links to YouTube videos. I can see my husband’s history, although he does clear it from time to time. Most recently he watched a some 70’s rock song being played to a silhouetted figure of pole dancer. It was very clear that although her figure was a blackened silhouette, she was cold and had no clothes on. To me, that’s classified as porn. Okay, so he watched it. What troubles me more is that he does not ask his brother not to send him these links. I understand the concept of accountability. I understand the need to confess one’s sin. We just moved to another state- we know no one here and still haven’t found a home church but even if we did I’m not sure it would matter. Where we used to live, he did confess to our pastor, and obviously to the counselor but beyond that his accountability stopped. Then we switched churches (because we moved closer to where our daughter received her care). After that move, his accountability also stopped. From my perspective he seems to struggle but given our finical constraints we just can’t absorb more counseling. He won’t read the books I’ve given him and I guess I just wonder if it’s just me that is over reacting. I am trying to work towards trusting him but when I see his history cleared and then these links pop up from his brother, I am bothered. So what do you call porn? What is okay and what is not okay? How can I further encourage him? He’s very much an introvert. I’m not sure what else I can do. Thank you kindly for reading and any wisdom you feel led to share.