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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
Hi, My husband is an addict and we have been dealing with this our entire relationship. Every relapse, he admits to more sexual activity than he originally explained to me. We have spent hours talking, crying, praying and trying to heal. We have received counsel, joined XXXCHURCH and made a transparent relationship, ( or so I thought). Every couple of months, the pattern happens all over again and he promises it will be the last time. While I would like to believe him, I know that isn’t possible right now. The last time he relapsed, I was in the hospital with a serious illness. He chose to stay home and masturbate rather than visit me while I was alone at the hospital. At that point, I packed my bags and was headed to my Mom’s. Rather than leaving, we sought out counseling. This seemed to work and we grew closer. Our realtionship was healing and even our intimate relationship was improving. A few months later, I saw the emails from pronographic sites in his inbox and I received an alert from XXXCHURCH. He denied everything and became very distant. My belief is that he thinks I will leave so he won’t be honest. I am very hurt, broken, disappointed and exhausted. I know I am to forgive him, turn the cheek, support and love him. But at what cost? How mant times? Will nothing work? Knowing that he seeks out sexual circumstances that will hurt himself, me and our marriage is beyond my understanding and very damaging. What is my next step?
As mentioned to you in an email, I highly recommend the OCAH program for wives that Pure Life Ministries offers. It is over the phone counseling for wives and let me tell you… it really saved my life and helped me get refocused on Jesus and get the biblical counseling I needed to face much of what you are facing. I went through the OCAH program for wives 10 years ago and to this day I STILL lean on the counsel that was given to me. It sounds like your husband may very well benefit from their live in program since so many efforts on his own at home have not been successful.
We also have resources for the spouse here on this site.
You may also find the community of Partners For Purity a blessing in this season!
-mt
I’m not married, so part of me feels as if I shouldn’t even be hurting in this way. I’m engaged to a wonderful man who does everything for me. When I was kicked out of my parents’ home, he took me in and has provided for me financially, emotionally, and has does everything in his power to make me happy and to help me feel loved and beautiful. However, he’s lied to me in the past about looking at pornographic images. After seeing how much it hurt me, he promised to quit. Yet he relapsed and did it again…and again…and again. He has finally quit, and hasn’t looked at porn for at least eight months. I’m very proud of him, and I’m happy with the steps he’s taking to keep away from that addiction and help me to feel secure in our relationship. But I feel like the damage has already been done. Even after eight months, I still feel as if I’ll never be beautiful to him. I feel worthless, and as if even internet pictures are more important to him than me. All this time I’ve tried to keep quiet about it because I know how hard he’s been trying and succeeding at staying away from that stuff, and I don’t want to bring him any more guilt than he already feels at having hurt me. But I have no idea how to ever feel beautiful or valued in our relationship again. I’ve broken down several times recently, and even small things seem to bring me down emotionally. I feel like I’m constantly battling to feel as if I have his attention, and I know I’m wearing him out forcing him to deal with my emotional breakdowns and insecurities. I just can’t heal. I don’t understand why, but I can’t. I feel ugly and worthless, and like I’ll never be anything more than that. At times, I feel so desolate that I almost want to end the relationship, or even my life. I would never take either of these actions, but the thoughts pass through my head often. I want to be able to trust my wonderful fiance. I want to believe him when he tells me that he loves me, values me, and that I’m beautiful. He constantly tells me these things, and part of me knows that he means them…but I don’t feel as if he does. How do I get over this?
I appreciate your transparency as honesty goes a long way when it comes to breaking free. Just like your fiance’ has had to work to break free– you need to work to transform your mind and break free from your destructive thoughts.
What I am about to ask and say might upset you but it was presented to me 15 years ago and was a catalyst that helped me begin to really work on my thinking. It did make me mad though when it was asked of/ pointed out to me.
You say you are living with your fiance. Are you sexually active with him? If so then I think your focus right now needs to be on that and your part in this and not a struggle that your BF/Fiance once dealt with that actually did not have anything to do with you but his own heart condition and his relationship with God. If GOD can forgive him, why can’t you? I say that in love and trust me… I UNDERSTAND the pain and even being bombarded with thoughts we wish we didn’t have. I dealt with it for over a decade in marriage. It definitely rips to our core but it rips to our core because WE are not seeing it or ourselves through the eyes of Christ. Also, If you are both sexually active outside of marriage and are Christians then you know that you are just as much responsible and held accountable as your fiance.
I would recommend that you consider calling a counselor at Pure Life Ministries They have a program you can go through from home. I went through their program years ago and they helped me to turn my focus where it needed to be— on Jesus who helped me see God and begin to heal. The counseling I received there has helped me repeatedly throughout the years.
God bless you.
My husband and I have been struggling with sex in our relationship most of the time we’ve been married. He seems to have a very low sex drive while I have a very high drive. I’m battling pornography addiction and I initially go to my husband when I feel aroused, he almost always turns me down. This leads me to feel desperate, not only that he turns me down but that I have to release. The result is usually masturbation or viewing porn. What can I do to divert my attention/ help me when I’m feeling so desperate? I’ve talked to my husband multiple times about having sex more and my struggles but nothing’s changed so I think I just need to be able to get rid of the feelings I’m having.
Dear Meagan,
While I am not excusing your husband for denying you sexually because that is just downright wrong. You have to accept ownership of your own actions and make sure you are not blaming your husband for your issue with porn and masturbation. I do understand fully that his lack of desire or interest in fulfilling this need for you definitely makes the battle harder. My husband left me years ago for his untamable, out of control porn addiction. That left me of course without a life mate including my sex partner. I am responsible for my thought life and my actions– as a Christian, God is my source of all fulfillment so I have had to learn to turn to Him. True, He does not fulfill my desire for orgasm with the outcome my flesh would prefer but His never ending grace is sufficient to carry me through. It is sufficient for you too.
Pure Life Ministries offers counseling to women struggling with this addiction and we also have the X3pure workshops. You are definitely not alone but I do believe that part of your freedom will come in ownership and truly allowing God to be your source of fulfilment.
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