Questions

Christa – I am sure this is though and has been on your heart for awhile now. Please know that we are praying for you, your husband, and child.

The first thing I would do is sit him down and have a good talk laying it all out on the table. Discuss how this makes you feel, why it bothers you, why he does this, and where is he right now. This needs to be a non confrontational conversation between the two of you. This would also be a good time to have someone watch your child do that you have the full attention with one another.

I would ask him if he would be willing to go to a counselor and meet as a couple to work this out, to try to save the marriage and get this addiction under control and get back the marriage you deserve. He needs to get accountability as well with someone other than you, someone who is willing to help and hold his feet to the fire for his own good.

I would also seek out someone for yourself as well to help you heal and get the prayer and physical support that you need as well. I have two places that I would suggest as well for you to get more info. The first place is www.partnersforpurity.com this is a group of women who have been or are at where you are now. They have good solid tips, suggestions, resources and support. The next is a site called www.porntopurity.com this is a site run by a couple who have been through a lot and have made it out the other side. the wife has good information and provides information there as well.

I hope this helps.

Hey Cheyenne,

My name is Shellie R. Warren and I am the women’s blog editor for the site.

Whew girl. This is a pretty loaded email. OK, let’s break it down on a few levels.

I do think it’s pretty awesome that you both are able to be so candid with one another. There are a lot of people who are married who can’t even be that vulnerable. That said, though, I want to encourage you to think about what you might tell a girlfriend who told you the same story. You see, what your boyfriend is currently going through is not something to not be his friend over, but it is DEFINITELY A HUGE RED FLAG to consider taking a few steps back when it comes to building a relationship.

As life would have it, something else that I do is (pre)marital counseling and I have dealt with a couple of couples were the man struggles with his sexuality. It’s *very hard* on a lot of levels. It really is not something that a wife can “fix”. It’s something that a man has to deal with in his relationship with God. Something that I realize is that far too often, girlfriends try and “play wives” when that is not what a friend is supposed to do. It is a husband and wife that God declares are “two becoming one” (Genesis 2:24-25, Matthew 19:1-12), not two people who care about each other or are dating. As a matter of fact, a few years ago, I addressed this in a porn chat:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpY0H1ZjU2I

You mentioned that you have shared your own journey with women (that’s awesome because James 5:16 tells us to do just that). What I wasn’t clear on is if you have shared with them (or one of them) what you said about this young man. I actually recommend that you do so that you can help to have some perspective on the relationship.

OK, and as far as being his accountability partner, my recommendation is *absolutely not*. Even with married people who write into us about their partner’s struggles with porn and masturbation, we encourage them to have their partners get a same-sex accountability partner. I know that in your particular case, that might seem like it will “tempt your boyfriend further” but actually a *strong Christian man* can prove to do just the opposite. We as women tend to “coddle” issues when men are more “head on”. As your boyfriend is struggling in this way, I’m willing to bet that he has some things in his history that are directly connected to his strongholds and a guy is going to be better equipped to address these things from a man’s point of view, which is what I discern your friend needs.

Plus, when you are sharing a lot of information with someone, it brings you closer (as I’m sure you well know). That’s why, for instance, AA participants are advised to spend a year single in their sobriety before they date and to try and avoid dating someone in their AA chapter. Sometimes all that does is create a *dependency* on another person rather than a healthy *connection*. (Make sense?)

Again, I’m not discouraging you from being his friend. Healthy friendships are true blessings and as Proverbs 17:17 tells us, a friend loves at all times. HOWEVER, if marriage or another close to it has been “up for discussion”, please “table that” for now. There are some other matters that have to be addressed and cleared up before either of you is ready to take that step.

Oh, also as life would have it, there is a blog that the Holy Spirit and I do for single women who desire marriage:

http://onfirefastmovement.blogspot.com/

There are a ton of resources on there if you are interested.

We’ll be praying…especially for peace of mind and keen discernment (Proverbs 2), OK?

Thanks again for reaching out.

SRW

Hey Cori,

My name is Shellie R. Warren and I’m the women’s blog editor for the site.

First, let me say that I commend you on the courage that it took to address your stronghold and yes, as you implied, jealousy is *just that*. As a matter of fact, Proverbs 14:30(NKJV) tells us “A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones.”

Although you didn’t get into too much detail, from what I have studied (and experienced) about jealousy, it’s rooted in a profound sense of insecurity oftentimes due to a heavy sense of low self-worth. Something like that, *no one* can heal but the Lord. Your boyfriend can’t compliment you enough, console you enough, prove to you enough that he loves you. You are going to have to spend some time with God to seek out what *the root* of your jealousy stems from. Nine times out of 10, it’s related to things that happened way before your boyfriend came on the scene.

Also, something else to keep in mind about jealousy is that it’s degrading to relationships in the sense that it causes people to think that they *own* someone. God gives us the freedom to choice, even when we don’t choose him and so *most definitely*, as a *girlfriend*, your boyfriend deserves the same rights. He should be able to talk on the phone with girls, have social media connects with girls, etc. because one, he’s not married to you and so he still has the *freedom* to make the decisions that are ultimately going to be best for him (first) and two, because no one feels loved when they are being suffocated.

You do sound vulnerable and desperate for a solution. The first thing that comes to my mind is to get a book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend entitled Boundaries (and now that I think about it, also the read Boundaries in Dating). Also, spend some time praying about when you first remember feeling jealous and what caused you to have those emotions. It might surprise you once you really put some thought and effort in. I promise you, your boyfriend is a *victim* of your jealousy but not likely to be the cause of your insecurities.

As a matter of fact, being that Matthew 17:20-21 tells us that some demons are *only removed* by fasting and praying (and yes, jealousy is from a dark spirit…remember that Satan is jealous of God to this very day-Isaiah 14:14), you might want to go on a fast so that God can speak even more intimately with you. A good book on fasting is here:

http://www.amazon.com/Fasting-Spiritual-Breakthrough-Guide-Biblical/dp/0830718397/ref=sr_1_15?ie=UTF8&qid=1368069569&sr=8-15&keywords=9+fasts

I can hear the torment in your “written voice”. Know that we are praying for you.

Oh, and I also have a blog for single women who desire marital covenant. There are a ton of resources on there:

http://onfirefastmovement.blogspot.com/

We’re praying for you. Keep us posted, OK?

SRW