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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
Hi there, I love your ministry and have been following it for years. You’ve helped me so much through out my life. So first off, thank you for all that you’ve done and continue to do. So here’s what I was wanting to ask about, cause I didn’t know where else to turn…I’ve been in a relationship now for a little while, I love this girl, I care very deeply for her…her heart for people and God is amazing. I don’t really believe in “the one” but if it was going to be someone….I could honestly say that it’s her.
We’ve definitely grown close in our relationship and have discussed marriage, kids, etc and started moving in that direction…but there is one thing that has really been weighing on us…she has expressed to me that she has never felt any kind of physical/sexual arousal or attraction….for anyone…we’ve both poured into each other emotionally, invested time with each other, shared some amazing experiences with each other and so on…but the lack of desire for anything beyond holding hands, hugging and me putting my arm around her has really weighed on me…I know that it’s not personal and I know it isn’t her fault…but it’s difficult to not let it affect my self-esteem and my emotions…She has also felt distressed about it, and has been in tears saying that she feels like a part of her is missing.
We’ve prayed about it, and been patient and we are still struggling through it together….recently she has heard of the orientation “Asexual”…and feels that she might fall into this category…we’ve discussed it some…and I’ve done research…apparently there is an entire community of people who claim to be asexual, as in they have no sexual desire. From what I’ve seen I honestly believe that asexuality is just a word that is being used to cover up admitting that there is possibly a problem in these peoples lives…be it physical or psychological, regarding sex/intimacy. I don’t think she falls into this category because she does desire a relationship…I also do NOT believe that asexuality is really something that’s intended by God. He made us capable of sex, desire, arousal etc…for a man and a woman to be drawn closer together…so I struggle accepting that asexuality is a “real orientation”…..I don’t know if this is something you guys have any resources on or have ever dealt with…but it’s something that’s been causing some hurt for both of us…I would deeply appreciate your prayers for us and any info or help you could offer.
My first thought was “How wonderful that her sexual desires have not yet been awoken!” and I thought to praise God. So to hear you both say that you find this distressing made me wonder if I’m missing something.
While I think you are correct about God creating humans to be capable of sex, desire, arousal etc. I also know that there have been organic causes known to stunt this in women. Jennifer Smith of Unveiled Wife actually talked about this in her upcoming book The Unveiled Wife. You guys might be able to find out more about her story at unveliedwife.com
I think sexuality has a place in marriage- not in a dating relationship (if we’re coming from a Christian perspective and lifestyle) therefore I really don’t think it is something that you both need to worry about today. I almost feel like you are trying to awaken something that is not yet to be awoken.
I’ve been struggling with porn for a while now and I want nothing more than to quit. Yet, despite having an accountability partner, the x3watch on my phone and my social media apps off my phone, I still manage to fall short of Gods standard. Everything around me right now feels like it’s just falling apart from my family to my body to school and I just am getting so sick of it. It’s not that I’m disheartened or giving up on God, I’m just angry. I’m angry at myself for not being able to shake this demon off my back. I want freedom and I want to be closer to God. I want to experience a peace that I’ve yet to experience. I don’t want the same answer of getting more porn blockers or more accountability. I know the scriptures, I just want to know why my heart won’t change. I can’t block every temptation in my life, but I just want to know why my heart is still corrupted by lust when I just want to be free from this horrible sin. Please help me
My heart breaks when I read some of these because I hear it in your written words and yet, the flesh remains… flesh. The bible tell us that there will always be a war between our flesh and the Spirit (Gal 5:17). It also tells us that we are enticed by our own desires (James 1:14) I don’t say these things to make you feel defeated but to rather let you know that you are not a failure– living in this world with all of the external visual stimulation everywhere we turn is overwhelming!! And you are right— you cannot change every external and walk around in a steel suit with blindfolds on. Just keep pressing into the Lord, keep your accountability in place. Make sure that you’re not setting yourself up for a fall by keeping the things luring you away in your immediate sphere of influence. It’s one thing to not be able to control what goes on in the world but you can control what you allow in your home and in your immediate space.
Outside of accountability, what other ways are there to break free from the addiction?
Also, I lead a group of young adults. How do I bring up a discussion of porn with those that may not see it as a problem? Some I talk to have no issues looking at porn.
When you say “outside of accountability” I hope you mean in addition to because we don’t believe that one will break free from this addiction alone. Not saying it is impossible but it is rare. In all of my years here, I’ve not met someone who has. In addition to accountability there are some things an addict should put into place. A lot of times a person who is addicted cannot see what those things are so I suggest asking yourself “What are some of the things an alocholic or drug addict can do to break free from their addiction” The obvious then comes to mind. Stay out of bars or around people that supply the drugs or alcohol. Get into meetings where you will find support etc. Those same things apply for the sex addict. Often times the user needs to remove the computer from their bedroom or home. Cut ties with your cable provider etc. It may sound extreme but so did Jesus when He said “if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off!” Some of this may sound “too legalistic” and for some people it may be, but different people have different triggers and different levels of addiction so it must be tailored to each person according to their habits.
With regards to speaking to people who do not think porn is an issue. If it is young adults in your church then you can turn to Scripture for that. If it is people in the world arguing this, there is no argument. We don’t argue with the world. We simply share what we believe and we make sure we are living it out.
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