Frequently Asked Questions.

Premarital Sex

I’m Writting to you guys because I have no idea who to ask and I am too ashamed to ask anyone I know because I do not want them to think of me as a failure.

I’m going to get right to the point and say It. I have been having sex with my girlfriend for the past 6 months.

I was raised in church and opened my life up to Jesus at such a young age that I cannot remember any part of my life when I have been without God. Like all people there have been times in life where I have been distant from God, but that’s is just part of our walk. The last couple of years have been one of those periods in my walk. Prior to these last couple of years I was a key leader in my countries largest youth group, which to me makes my circumstance seem even more shameful.

At the beginning of this year I made the decision to return to church and it was great. I felt like I had returned home. However, at the same time I was going back to Church I also met a really nice girl through work who is not Christian. We entered into a relationship and started having sex almost straight away. I have fallen into the following cycle; I struggle with the sex aspect of the relationship because I know that it is wrong. I bring the issue up with her and we agree to try not having sex. this has happened 2 or 3 times now but we always end up having sex again after about a week. It means a lot to me that she wants to stay with me without having sex and shows me she actually cares about me.

However, I wan’t to stop having sex so that I can live in all that God has for me and fulfill what he has called me to. But unlike most other sin that involves only myself, I have involved another person in my sin. I love this girl so I don’t want to hurt her and hurt her in a way that means that she will blame Christianity for what happens and never give God a chance. At the end of the day I am been a terrible witness to her by continuing to sleep with her. She is coming to church with me sometimes and is enjoying it. I know that there will be consequences if I continue to live in unrepentant Sin, But I also know I need to go about this in a way that takes into consideration how it will make her feel. hurting her is the last thing I want to do, she is really in love with me. What should i do?

I think you know what you need to do because you have listed everything out so eloquently.

Here’s the deal— once you know something you can’t “un-know” it.  Once you’ve awoken something within you it is hard to get it to go back to sleep so you will need to enlist others to help you if what you say is true about honoring Jesus, honoring this young woman and honoring yourself.   You said you’ve returned to the church so find someone you can talk to.  Confess your struggles and ask for accountability– then set yourself up for a win.

Where do the two of you have sex?  Stop putting yourself in that location or those locations.  If it means you can only be together in public places, then so be it.


Best wishes.

Porn And sex

Thank You for everything so far. I’m still struggling with porn but i know i will overcome this now. I have a question

Having sex with Your wife is not The solution. I get that. But won’t it at least help a little? As i understood it, what You have sex with You bond with. So that should mean that it’s better than not to continue to have sex with Your wife in The recovery process.

Again i get that this is not The solution but a detail i’ve been thinking about

What Are Your thoughts?

Thanks for your question.

We don’t ever recommend withholding sex from a spouse regardless of struggles EXCEPT for a time of prayer and fasting as suggested in the Bible.   We absolutely think sex with your spouse is vital and necessary, but we also know that if it is filled with selfishness and lust it can be more damaging to the marriage bed.   I’m not suggesting that is what you’re doing or will do, just responding completely here.

Best wishes.

porn and girlfriends.

Hey xxx church,
I have been dating my girlfriend for two months. I told her of my struggles with porn and masturbation before we even dated and told her I wanted to respect her in every way and that i would stop. I have messed up and told her on one occasion about masturbating, which she took ok she was upset but not angry.
Then i messed up again which involved Instagram which I recently deleted. She was irate and infuriated. Which is understandable it’s disrespectful and I hate that I struggle with this, for both of our sakes. But she some of her reaction upset me and hurt me. She told me I didn’t deserve her, or her body, which I get and understand. And partially agree with. Then she asked how much grace I needed because she doesn’t have much more but I’ve only told her once about messing up previously.
I have messed up after this interaction and haven’t told her because I felt demeaned and almost punished.
I guess my question is. Is she right to say these things even if I feel belittled?
No I don’t want to be praised for my faults I understand she will be upset but how much do i take before its disrespect to me? And where is that line? How do I open up communication with her about this where it turns into a conversation and not a fight. My goal is to not keep anything from her ever. I want to marry this girl. I want to honor and respect her. Please help.

There are two parts to this.

1) your sin will have consequences

2) the grace of Christ.

I don’t think anyone should ever limit grace.  I get that we are all human but holding sin over another is just outright wrong.

We have seen so many times that girlfriends and wives of men who struggle tend to make it about themselves rather than the actual battle that their men are in.   This does not negate your responsibility or your actions but just stating a fact.   If this girl wants to be in a relationship with you and you’ve been honest about your struggles, she needs to step up to the plate too and know that by staying in this relationship (she made that choice) she also has a responsibility.  It is not to be passive and condoning of the sin in your life but rather to champion you on and continue to allow the fruit of your repentance to be seen.   If you continue to abuse that grace then she has the option to leave the relationship but to belittle or demean is not acceptable in my opinion.

I would also encourage you to offer the same grace to her as she works through this as you expect from her.  😉

I do think that you may need to bring someone else into this.  A pastor, a counselor, a good, solid, unbiased friend.    Consider reading the book OPEN to know exactly what true accountability in a relationship should look like.

Best wishes.

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