Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Hey hey. So I got married in January. It’s awesome. I had been (and could make a case for “am still”) addicted to porn for over 10 years, and by the grace of God, my temptation was largely removed when I got engaged. I stopped having the urges every moment of the day. It was amazing. And I fight so hard to not take that for granted. So then we got married and we could have all the sex we wanted (we saved it for marriage). Sex is awesome, it truly is. But I want to learn. I want to find out how to do cool new stuff, make her feel better every time, all of the above. My first instinct is to turn to porn to learn the moves, to see how a couple interacts, to see how it all works. OBVIOUSLY porn isn’t real sex, that’s not how real people work, and I’m not looking to act like a porn star in bed. I am well aware that porn is far from being realistic. But because I learn so well visually, I feel like I need to watch a couple, real or not, have sex to learn how to better have sex with my wife. I really DON’T want to do this though. I don’t want to turn to porn or anything else because I want to stay 100% faithful to my wife. But I want to please her and I’m having a hard time learning how because neither of us know what we’re doing (we’re each other’s firsts). Also, I’m well well aware that it’s a work in progress. I don’t expect us to have mind-blowing sex right away, in fact, I don’t expect it for years. But I want to constantly be improving, I just don’t know where to start.
Congrats on your marriage and kudos to you for knowing that porn is not the place to learn great sex AND intimacy with your spouse! I think one of the greatest resources we have would be spot on for you (no pun intended!) www.BestSexLifeNow.com is the link.
Enjoy each other and enjoy the learning process.
Back in January I caught my boyfriend talking to an online site. He stated he has never met up with anyone and it was more of a control thing. He didn’t know who he was talking to and whether or not it was even an actual person. He was also doing texting. I texted the number myself and it responded to me as well and said it was an escort service. I tried calling it but would always get a weird message. It would ask me for pictures of myself and of course I didn’t do that! I went and bought your book pure eyes and we read it every single night till we completed it. We have refrained from intimacy since then and are waiting for marriage. I recently asked him if I could see his bank account and he told me that he will not budge on that and he has always been personal with his money and that’s not something I need to see. That makes me feel uneasy like he’s hiding something. We are very Christian people who both serve at our church and go regularly. He said he feels that he is happy I found it so he can be done with it but also said that he wished I wouldn’t have cause it’s something he was trying to overcome on his own. I feel that we have gotten closer and that faith has strongly helped us. We have talked about marriage and I truly feel he is the one I want to be with. I did tell him though that if this ever happened again I would be gone. He doesn’t feel that it was cheating but I told him cheating isn’t just physical and that he had a virtual affair because he was going to someone/something else rather than me that was sexual. He is a great person and I would just like some insight. Since January we only kiss each other and nothing else. One of my other fears is that if he was getting sexual desires from online stuff and we only do that is the risk of him doing wrong again increased? He supports my moments when I have anxiety and realizes how much he hurt me. I could write more but that is some of the stuff I would like to discuss before we take the big leap of marriage. Thank you kindly and God Bless🙏🏼
Dear one, you have a lot to be concerned with. The Lord gives us discernment for a reason and you have some major red flags here that unfortunately one book reading is not going to deal with.
1. escort services
THAT is beyond pornography. That is seeking interaction and actually hooking up with someone for sex.
2. “my bank account is off limits” (it’s personal)
THAT is another red flag if you are talking marriage. If you both cannot be transparent in all areas of your lives INCLUDING finances then there is a problem– whether it’s his spending money on porn and escort services is yet to be known but just the secrecy and unwillingness to be open with someone you’ve discussed marriage (a lifetime commitment!) with is a huge red flag and leaves me with this:
Something is not right– escort services are not typical or common occurrence in single men (even non Christians!) so this would be enough of an alarm for me to want to END this relationship especially when he said he had hoped you hadn’t found out because he was hoping to overcome alone.
One does not overcome this ALONE.. He needs accountability and he needs it from more than just you. He needs face to face accountability with other men. He needs support and he needs someone that can hold his feet to the fire.
If he doesn’t want those things then he doesn’t really want to break free.
I say RUN.
I have been struggling with this for awhile now. And it’s had lead up to my marriage . I just got married and my wife has found out the skeleton in my closet that I thought I can beat on my own. Of course I can’t. What can I do to show this temptation that I can beat it and be free from it? I feel alone from God and from my wife which I deserve to be. Is there any help that can break me free from this problem ?
You do not “deserve” to be alone from God or from your wife. Feeling isolated or distanced is definitely a consequence of habitual sin but I wouldn’t go as far as saying you deserve to be alone. We need mercy. God is merciful and kind, forgiving, loving, compassionate and slow to anger. Wives don’t typically tend to be upon the first discovery. They are hurt, they are sad, they are angry, this triggers thoughts of insecurity- not being enough- wondering if it is their fault and so much more. But God will use this to bring your wife closer to Him.
Seek out a peer group. We’ve got the X3groups running strong- AND there is even X3groups for spouses! (Be sure to ask about the same household discount!) Seek out a pastor or counselor for some care for you and for your wife.
Check out our many resources in both the men’s section and the spouses section here on XXXchurch.com. If you need specific exhaustive resources go to the START HERE section.
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