Questions

Respectfully, I disagree with your friend.

I am going to elaborate based on your declaration of being Christians.  You’re never going to rewire your husband’s brain.  His brain is already wired and can be transformed through the word of God not through acting out his sinful fantasies with his wife.    You can do what you can to learn more about the natural wiring of men’s brains and how you can respond to that but I would not recommend role playing the fantasies that were a part of his addiction to pornography.  I think you are opening both of you up to potential disaster and more heartache.

I do think you can spice up your own sex-life in a healthy way.  And I would definitely recommend taking a look at strongermarriages.com – the blogs and the variety of workshops available there.

I think you’re already on the right track with this other couple that you’re seeking godly counsel from.  Stay close to one another and keep short accounts with GOD.

Best wishes!

I guess one of my main questions is “are we virgins if we have had ‘dry sex’ together?” I know it’s the heart matter and I don’t want to be doing that stuff before we’re married but I still have that question.

Indeed it is a matter of the heart and what concerns me more than the actual question is the motivation behind or the reason for the question to begin with?   If I were to say “Of course you’re still a virgin” then what difference does that make on the issue of purity that is found in the heart?     If I say “Nope, you’re not still a virgin” then does that entice you to a place of saying “Well we might as well go all the way then!” ?    So what I am hearing is a trick question that I just don’t think I feel comfortable answering.  😉   Instead I will point you to two different places.  1. The Bible and 2. A Dictionary.   You choose where you want to define virgin.  🙂

Do you guys have any tips for moving forward from here

I think it is great that you are convicted and you have the desire to honor God, your fiancé and yourself.   I would say that you need the basics in place which for a believer should be the following:

1. Accountability (preferably this includes several males and not just the fiancé)

2. Plan of action (for times of temptation)

3. Life Goals

4. Area of service (In serving others we take our eyes off of ourselves and our desires)

Spend some time in the resources we offer for men.   Consider joining an X3group and even going through one of our many workshops on both X3workshops.com and StrongerMarriages.com

Best wishes to you and your fiancé!

What support do you offer to the spouses of sex addicts who chose not to confess?

We do not differentiate in support of one spouse to another.  The support remains consistent whether the spouse is honest or not.  We have an entire section for spouses on the main site.  There is also a Start Here section for the spouse and if you download the “more resources” PDF there are more details there about the scenario you depict.

How are you addressing the problem of guiding wives through how to know if their husband is repentant and working toward change or if he is simply sorry for getting caught and trying to build another new persona who is hiding behind a guise of getting help and will hurt her again and again? 

If we look to the bible (as Christians this should be our primary source of counsel) we are guided in how to spot a false confession or even false humility that another believer conveys.   The answer is in “fruit that remains”  which can be found in Scripture and usually it takes T I M E to witness such for two reasons.  1) for something to remain there has to be a measure of time and 2. because most are not going to just have an instantaneous turn around while still living in this world in a body of flesh.  See Galatians 5:17

In Mathew 13 Jesus gives a parable saying that our fruitfulness would depend on the soil of our heart. He gives four examples and only one of them is one that actually cultivates what we hope for (a repentant heart).

I don’t think the questions you are posing that ask: “what are you doing about…”  are really the right questions to get the answers that I think can actually help a spouse in this situation.  I think the question I can answer more fully would be:   “What support do you offer to wives whether or not their husband’s ever repent or break free.”

To that I would say:

We have an entire section for the spouse at XXXchurch with many resources.  We also offer X3groups for spouses and many of those groups have wives that are married to men who have yet to break free.  It is not our goal to focus on the spouse but rather on ourselves through the eyes of Jesus.  It is our desire that each spouse find a support that lets them know they are not alone and that peace is possible in the midst of a spouse’s ongoing addiction.   We have staff members who have walked this out with their spouse or are still walking it out and we have staff who are divorced.  The world we live in is broken and so are the people in it but together we try to build one another up and sojourn the path to wholeness.