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My wife and I have been married a little over a year. Our marriage is incredible. Because we both knew who were in Christ before getting hitched it’s made the relationship as wonderful as I could imagine it being.
So thank God for that.
Both of us have our pasts which are redeemed…but part of my wife’s past includes her being raped at the age of 14 as well as having only ever been involved in relationships where she was treated like a sexual object. As you can imagine this has some interplay in our sex life. Fortunately she wants to have sex.
The only issue is she simply doesn’t enjoy it. Sometimes it’s unpleasant too, but she does it because she feels an obligation. Obviously I’m thankful she respects me and wants to make time for sex but at the same time his makes me feel like I’m using her when we have sex. Ultimately I want to help her move past this, past the insecurities she has about her body, past the inability to escape from her head when we have sex.
We bought a book on Sexual healing and we’ve tried reading through it, but it doesn’t offer enough practical, daily practices we can implement to make our sex life better.
Just looking for some direction I suppose
First, I want to say I am so sorry that happened to your wife. I think it is wonderful that you are patient, understanding and willing to help her walk through some more healing so that she is more comfortable sexually.
I don’t have any magic answer for you on this. Trauma is different for everyone and so is how they process and heal. I would say you need to continue to be patient and give it some more time, after all you’re still newlyweds. Keep communicating in and outside of the bedroom. Intimacy starts long before you make it under the covers. 😉
You may find the resources at Stronger Marriages helpful.
I would not rule out counseling with someone who has experience with sexual trauma.
How do I explain to my wife that not everything is a trigger? She thinks that if I am to get help we need to get rid of every outlet, which I know isn’t necessary. She doesn’t understand how some things are a trigger and won’t believe me when I say these things are and these things aren’t.
It sounds like you both could benefit from the workshop Through A Man’s Eyes. Its more cost effective than counseling but that would be my next suggestion. Wives tend to try to be controlling if they are fearful where this is concerned. She cannot babysit or monitor you and your “triggers” because to do so only emasculates you. I would even recommend that she consider joining an X3group for spouses where she can journey with a leader and other women in the same situation.
I have had a pornography and masturbation addiction since the age of thirteen, it has been my biggest struggle. I have been in church my whole life but I have never asked for help. I want to be set free from this addiction and I know that Jesus can do that, I just need help on how to start and what steps I need to take.
Kudos to you for taking the first step– admitting there is a problem. Step two begins with action.
I would highly recommend that you go to our START HERE page and seek out the best scenario that fits your situation and download the suggested resources as there are so many. Spend time reading through the blogs as well as the comments because you will see that you are not alone in this battle.
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