Questions

Firstly, let me say that I am so sorry that you discovered that your son was viewing hardcore pornographic material.  I really hope that any parent that is on this site and reading what you are going through will immediately install a strong filter and accounability software (like our X3watchPRO) or SafeEyes on all of their Internet-enabled devices.  It is so important to get in front of this issue and PREVENT exposure; as you are experiencing now, prevention is a much better outcome than having to deal with the fallout from porn use or porn addiction.

Regarding your situation though, I would strongly urge you to try to keep the conversation going with your son–don’t blame him or shame him; he seems to be experiencing enough of that on his own.  Know that (unfortunately) many, many young teens (and kids much younger than your son) have early exposure to hardcore content.  It can impact their understanding of sexuality and it can open the door to later struggles in life, but if you are able to use filters, block further access, to have regular conversations about healthy sexuality and use this as a teachable moment, then this can be a launching pad to helping your son understand what it means to walk in purity.

I think that “Every Young Man’s Battle” is a great resource for teenage boys, and given the type of terms that your son was searching for, and his age and the culture that we live in, I think it would be fully appropriate.  

Regarding play time/his interactions with other kids–we hear story after story of kids showing other kids what they’ve discovered online–I would recommend using strong parental controls on all of your Internet-enabled devices (don’t forget phones and gaming consoles and devices), and make sure that any media use is in shared living space.  This will help stave off the temptation that your son may have to “show and tell”.  And while kids do, at times, want ot act out what they see, we typically do not encounter youth-on-youth sex abuse with such limited exposure.  Usually the youth has had a history of sexual abuse and a long history of exposure, or they are at a younger age, when their ability to understand what is good vs. bad is hardly developed.

I would recommend, however, that if you are concerned, to keep your child’s playtime and interactions with other kids in public space, and always ask him to keep his door open when he is with someone else.

Finally, I do hope that you can learn where the initial exposure happened –for your son to be looking for some specific hardcore terms, it’s likely that a friend or sibling or show that he encountered opened the door for his search.  Or, since there weren’t filters on your iPad, then he could have just been doing what most 14-year-old boys would be doing–exploring their curiosities about sex–and as he encountered pornography, that could have led him into the dark world of the really hardcore stuff (often softcore sites have tons and tons of links to fetish and hardcore content as well).  If you can find the source, then you can try to prevent any future exposure from the initial source.

It’s very easy for any parent to overreact when they first realize that their son or daughter has bene looking at pornography.  Many parents become paralyzed or angry, and it’s right to be upset that your child was exposed to such graphic content.  Remember, however, that the way that you respond to your child in that moment is critical to support ongoing conversation about sex and purity.  Be sure to avoid blaming or shaming your son or daughter… try to use the exposure as a launching point to an ongoing dialogue about purity and sexuality.

Ask them if they have any questions, and try to learn—in specifics—exactly what they saw and how they gained access to the content.  Ask them how seeing the pornography made them feel—really listen to their words, and take this opportunity to explain healthy sexuality and healthy sexual expression.  Help them to understand God’s place for sex, and tell them that what they are looking at online pales in comparison to what God intends for their bodies and for their life as sexual beings.

Additionally, explain—in as clear terms as possible—why you don’t want them to look at pornography (for help, check out our parent PDF on pornography).  It also might be appropriate to ask whehter their exposure started somewhere else–at a friend’s home, etc…. what made them start looking at those sites in the first place?

Also, I would strongly recommend that you use parental controls and a filter/accountability software like our X3watchPRO or SafeEyes on all of your Internet-enabled devices to prevent further exposure.

For more information on talking to your child about healthy sexuality, check out our resource, “The Talk”.

I am glad that you have been reading our advice, and if you haven’t already, I would strongly encourage you to install parental controls–especially a strong filter–like our X3watchPRO or SafeEyes, onto all of your Internet-enabled devices, to prevent your son from accessing pornography again on your family-owned devices.  Additionally, it may be helpful for you to watch the Voices videos and go through the other teen-focused resources on our site with your son–to help him hear what other men and guys his age have to say about the harmful impact of pornography on their lives.   Another wonderful resource is Every Young Man’s Battle — it really articulates the harms of pornography along with God’s plan for purity.  Dirty Little Secret and Pure Eyes (also available in the Teen resources section) have also helped many, many teens with this struggle.