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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
We found out via a visit from the dept of homeland security that my 15 yr old had been sexting with a teen girl in Canada via an iPod app. As of now there ane no charges being filed and the authorities have left the issue in our hands. I’ve installed the whole house filter offered by open dns and will be installing x3 and/or safe eyes on each of his devices once they are returned to him. As of now we are restricting him to school-related use only of his internet-capable devices and they must be used in the same room as a parent. Additionally, he and I will be going through the xpure program together. The biggest issue we are facing with our son at this time is trying to get him to own his sin and follow through with true repentance. Other than prayer and waiting on God to move on his heart are there any other practical steps that we can take toward this end?
Firstly, I am so glad to hear that you are installing filters and parental control software on all of your home’s Internet-enabled devices. This is a step that, as you are experiencing, so many parents don’t do until their son or daughter has already had some exposure to pornography or sexually-questionable sites and apps. Even now, taking this step will help prevent your son from further exposure and use of sexually-oriented sites and apps. I also commend you for signing up to do an Xpure workshop together–I think that this will go a long way to help keep your conversation going regarding purity and sexuality.
In addition to what you are already pursuing, I would advise you to consider getting Every Young Man’s Battle, Pure Eyes, and even Pure Sex — a great resource to launch discussion (usually used in a youth group setting, but also a very powerful resource for parents and teens). These books can help reinforce your conversations with your son about why purity matters and why what we do with our bodies matters to the Lord and impacts our life. Ultimately, however, only the Lord can change the heart and move in your son to encourage him towards purity in this area, but I strongly believe that these resources (and the reinforcement of others who have struggled with sex addiction and pornography addiction, especially via our teen resources) can help you in your battle for your son.
I’ll give my question first, and then follow with a thorough explanation. The question: What should I do if I think my son has been exposed to Gay porn? It’s a bit more delicate of a subject to approach than straight porn. I don’t want him to further question his sexual identity because of me inquiring why he may have been looking at it. It could be curiosity or maybe seeing how he measures up. It could be that he didn’t even really see it (I’ll explain, below). I just want to tread lightly while still finding out if he has viewed any of this. If he has, I want to somehow help him to not identify himself with that world. Here’s the full story: My wife and I have been married for 22 years, and we have two great kids: a 16-yr.-old son and a 15-yr.-old daughter. We’re generally a happy family, all committed to Christ, and very involved in church, youth ministries, etc. My son was first exposed to porn through a young friend when he was 13. They both went to the same Christian school, and we know the parents fairly well. While at this friend’s house, the friend encouraged my son to look at porn (of women) on the friends iTouch and then masturbate together (my understanding is that they were not masturbating each other). My son and I have always had a fairly good relationship. Every member of our family has always tried to be very loving, open and helpful to one another. One night during his 8th-grade year, my son came into my home office and asked if he could talk with me. He melted into my arms and began sobbing and told me about what happened the last several times he visited his friend’s house. I called the father, and all four of us (the father, his son, me and my son) met to talk about it and discuss God’s perspective of sex and the negative impact of porn and how it can affect us. My son is now in 11th grade, and we haven’t run across any issues with porn since that time. All computers in our house are totally protected with Safe Eyes. We even schedule their internet time so they need to ask us to turn it on via Safe Eyes any time they use the internet. Both of our children (my son and our 15 yr old daughter) have basic mobile phones with no data or internet capabilities. I’ve regularly asked my son how it’s been going….if anyone has shared porn with him at school (now in a public high school) or at home on iphones, ipads, computers, etc. He’s assured me that there have been no experience like that since his 8th grade year. He’s always displayed healthy, normal attitudes towards girls…desiring a girlfriend…elaborately, but respectfully expressing his crushes on girls in his journal, etc. I regularly check his e-mails, his computer files, his texts, his journals, etc. to make sure I’m not missing anything. And, I’ve never seen anything or had any inclination that he has any sexual interest in other boys/men. He’s not effeminate in any way…has very masculine mannerisms and speech. His favorite type of video games is racing games. He absolutely loves cars and masculine machines. And he loves to play any RPGs we will allow him to play (depending on ratings, violence, sexual content, etc.). On the other hand, my wife and I have always had a bit of a concern that he just doesn’t fit in with kids his age. He’s an extremely talented musician, and, as such has not had a lot of friends who are more athletic, average guys. And, although I know there are several girls who have had crushes on him, he’s never been pursued by a girl he would like to be pursued by. So, as parents we’re a bit concerned that, if he were exposed to the world of gay porn or homosexuality he might start to question his orientation. And, I don’t want him to think that I, as his dad, may be questioning that orientation…possibly causing him to be concerned even more: “well, if my dad thinks I am, maybe it’s true.” A couple of nights ago we discovered that he had taken my work-supplied iPad to his room late at night after everyone had gone to bed. I guess he figured out that it didn’t have any internet security software. I had just recently been issued the ipad for business use, but we were using it in the kitchen over Thanksgiving break to stream Pandora to a bluetooth speaker. One night we couldn’t locate it anywhere until he “found it” in another room of the house. It seemed suspicious to me that he found it when nobody else could and that the internet history had been deleted. He did not, however, know how to delete the Website Data from the Advanced Settings. So, I looked at the listings there and found multiple porn sites including “adult dating” (hetero) websites, adult hetero hardcore webcam sites, so called “teen girl” imagery and video (softcore and hardcore) as well as some “pre-teen,” female non-nude (borderline child porn) sites and maybe 6 gay sites. I didn’t mention to him the specific sites I found or exactly how I found them. I just told him that I sensed he wasn’t being honest. He has a sensitive spirit, and it only took maybe 5 minutes for me to get him to confess. He felt terrible and embarrassed, and apologized to my wife. As I said before, I suppose it’s possible that there were links for the gay sites on the straight sites and he was just curious. And…since I don’t actually have any internet search history available, I don’t know if the cookies generated were from actual searches or even actual visits to these gay web sites. I suppose they could have been popups or just cookies from a host site. So, I don’t want to make the assumption that he actually visited the gay sites. Bottom line…I realize that all porn is terrible. But, it’s easier for me to talk with him very directly about hetero porn and the borderline child porn website data I saw. Gay porn is a bit more delicate in nature. I need to know how to ask the question about whether or not he voluntarily visited the gay porn sites without causing him to question his sexual orientation. If he did visit them, I’d like to know what the motivation was for that. And, whether it was intentional or not, I’d like to talk with him about how it affected him and set up a more regular time to talk about all of this stuff. I’d like to do all of this without making him feel like we’re evaluating his masulinity. Do you have any suggestions about how to approach this Biblically and sensitively?
First of all, I commend you for talking so openly with your son and checking in with him about his struggles with pornography and the exposure that he unforuntately had both to masturbation and to pornography at his friend’s home. It sounds as if you and your wife are doing the best job that you can to help protect him from exposure (by using a strong filter and parental controls, like SafeEyes) and to keep the conversation going with him (by checking in on him in this area). You are following the guidelines that we advise to parents on a regular basis.
Regarding the most recent incident with your work iPad, for now, I would continue to maintain the approach that you have had thusfar, of gently confronting your son, listening to what he has to say, and providing the best counsel that you can at this time and letting him know that you love him and are always available to talk to him about his struggles in that area.
I think it’s also important to understand that kids have a lot of questions about sex and are highly curious about the content that is available online. As you likely know, there is a huge variety of pornography online, and, as you noted, there are many many links off of mainline/heterosexual sites that link to group sex, BDSM, teen-pornography and gay pornography sites. We work with many teens and adults that start with heterosexual pornography and move across and towards a wide spectrum of pornography–I’ve counseled many heterosexual individuals that have gotten into viewing lesbian and gay porn. The deeper that one goes into pornography, the more likely that they will view content that may not have initially been stimulating to them. At times, viewing this content can lead one to question their sexual orientation, but it sounds like, at this point, that it’s more likely that your son may have been falling more into the category of curiosity.
Perhaps, at this point, you can just let your son know that you are aware that there is a wide variety of sexual content, and that it can open the door to a lot of questions, and that if he has any questions, you are there to help him. Remind your son that pornographic content, in all of its forms, doesn’t represent the full-bodied sex that the Lord designed, and that God designed sex to be best-lived out in married life, between a man and a woman. As you reinforce that message, let your son know that you love him and that God extends grace enough to cover his struggles and sin. Help him to know that there is nothing that your son can do or struggle with that would cause you not to love and care for him. Hopefully, as you continue to extend your wisdom, grace and love to your son, he will continue to feel comfortable enough to open up to you about his struggles, and, if he is questioning his sexuality in any way, then he will know that he can come to you. For now, however, I would just continue to pray for your son, watch out for warning signs that he is struggling with pornography, and remind him that you want to do everything in your power to help him pursue the path towards purity. I would try to stay away from anything that would make him feel as if you are questioning his sexuality or that would cause him to close up to you. Again, many, many teens (and adults) struggle with viewing gay pornography (as well as fetish, etc.) who are not themselves struggling with their sexual orientation.
What kind of “expert” is answering the questions on here? Because on the answer to the question from the parent whose sons were sexually abused by their friends’ foster son nothing was mentioned of reporting the incident to the authorities, why? Instead carpooling with the sons’ abuser was discussed. When you have two boys that were exposed to such things and as a parent you continue to expose them to such a person, what message does that send to them? I don’t care how far away their “christian school” is! The audacity of that parent to even mention such a detail shows how deeply those parents need to get some GOOD, PROFESSIONAL advice on how to parent their boys through such a life changing trauma as their children went through. If there is one thing I can’t stand it’s “christians” who actively participate in allowing law breakers to continue to violate again and again in the name of forgiveness because it’s easier than practicing good boundaries!
Hi Christina,
This was dealt with and suggested to the parents through private communications once more clarity regarding the issue came to light. We live in a time when kids often expose one another to pornography, and it is not uncommon for another child to teach a child how to masturbate. When this occurs, the counselor usually will determine the level of sexual abuse and whether the case involves child-on-child sexual abuse, and whether the incident should be reported to the authorities. This path was recommended to the parents, but when the perpetrator is another child, the level of interaction and abuse must be examined.
With regard to the abuse that the foster child experienced, which was by an adult, this was reported to the authorities, but I will clarify this in the post answer.
Very Best.
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