BLOG
Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
We discovered our 18 year old son is addicted to pornography about 6 months ago. He has been secretly viewing porn for 3 to 4 years. We also found sex toys he purchased. He agreed to see a counselor, so we set up him with a christian counselor about 5 months ago. The counselor is trying to get a good idea of what our son is about and has not yet really discussed porn and it’s issues and begun to help him. He says he is bored and doesn’t want to go any more. We (his parents) don’t know how to help. He is an awesome kid with a dark habit. Please give us some possible ways to help our son. We are deeply troubled for his relationships and future.
Perhaps you, the parents, should have a conversation with the counselor your son is seeing to gain a better understanding of whether that particular counselor has worked specifically with kids struggling with porn and sex addictions and what success he has had in the past with helping lead those kids to healing. Perhaps the counselor can suggest some ways that you can better support your son and support the work that the counseling sessions have begun. If this counselor does not have expertise in the area of sex and porn addiction, then they should be able to recommend someone else who specializes in the field to help.
Apart from working with the counselor, be sure that you are using Internet controls and filters on all Internet-enabled devices in your home and that your son has access to to help limit his access to pornography in your house. Also, consider getting him some books (like Every Young Man’s Battle, Pure Eyes, Eyes of Integrity or Questions You Can’t Ask Your Mama) or getting him involved with our x3pure or our recovery workbook (all of these are in our teen resources).
Remember, however, that as with any addiction, an individual needs to make a personal choice/have a personal commitment and desire to leave their behavior behind. I would encourage you to consider the conversation with your son and pray for him–that he would truly desire to change.
Blessings. I am a mother and a church woman leader that educate i a variety of subjects. The Stat Cards for Parents resource cought my attention. Statistics are important because are eye openers sometimes in a presentation. I do not have software compatible with .zip. Do xxxchurch can send me that file in another version. I have a PC.
Thank you.
One of my daughters’ male friends posted a link on Facebook that had as its initial image, a woman’s bare rear end in a g-string. I contacted his mother via text to check out the post, as I felt it was inappropriate and something she would want him to remove, but I didn’t say what the post actually was. In the morning, I saw an irate, threatening text full of expletives from her husband to me, as he was angry about being woken up.
In subsequent communication, I was criticized for alerting them when I did. Even though the post was removed, the mother stated that she didn’t know if she would call it porn, as it was a “pole dancing booty shake in a g-string”. She then said that she was proud of the fact that she hadn’t met a porn-free male yet. I have been shocked and confused by this woman’s response, for several reasons:
1. The link was sent to the boys fb friends, which included my daughters. Even though I was a “friend”, I didn’t receive the post.
2. The boy had asked for permission to date our daughter just one week before, and told my husband that he was living for Christ
3. The mother is the director for a very large, fairly conservative, Christian woman’s magazine, concerned about strengthening families
4. Six months later, the mother has still stated that she stands by what she said to me.
Growing up, I sometimes looked at my dad’s Playboy. I remember being mortified at a wet-tshirt contest that I sat in on with my parents. I visited my uncle in jail most of my life; he was in repeatedly for rape charges, and then, when I was 17, he got heavy into porn (some of which he had me watch with him because he lived in our “granny suite”), and ended up murdering 4 people he knew. In June of 2011, I was shocked to discover that my Christian husband of 19 years had been viewing porn our entire marriage.
Was I, and am I still, over-reacting to the Facebook link incident? If my prompt alert would have been responded to with a “thanks for the alert, we appreciate your prompt notification”, I believe I would have long-forgotten the incident, but because of the violent initial response of the father and the mixed messages I received from the mother, I have been unable to lay the matter to rest. This family has children who have close friendships with several of our children, as they live just down the street. Even if a “pole dancing booty shake in a g-string” would not technically be “porn”, how would it fit in with Christian holiness and purity? Why should I be belittled for my concern, and be told that “all music videos these days are gross” and that I being naive if I don’t think all teens aren’t watching them?
Firstly, I am very very sorry for all of the early exposure to pornography that you had as you were growing up. Additionally, I am so sad to hear about the cycle of brokenness in your uncle’s life and the addiction to pornography that both he and your husband seemed to struggle with.
Secondly, It’s clear that your own life story has given you a special sensitivity to this issue, but I do not think that you are being naive. I think it was absolutely appropriate for you to notify this boy’s parents of the post on Facebook. I think one of the problems today is that parents don’t communicate with eachother. I think you were acting bravely and in the best interests of both your daughters and of this boy. I would hope that a parent would tell me the moment they noticed my son or daughter posting something like that to their Facebook account.
Thirdly, I am deeply troubled and surprised my the responses you received from both the mother and the father, and I am sorry for the way they have handled this exchange. Perhaps they were (or are) embarassed/ashamed/angry that you noticed the post before they did, or perhaps they feel judged? Either way, it seems as though a woman and man seeking to follow Christ would not be proud or supportive of pornography use. Given that you are in the same community/social circles as this family, I would consider getting a neutral, Christian moderator to help you flesh this situation out a bit more. Perhaps if you shared a little of your own story and a little about the potential harms/dangers associated with pornography, these parents would at least begin to udnerstand where you were coming from.
Fourthly, if this boy is still persuing your daughter, and given that he told your husband that he wanted to pursue Christ, I would have a sit down with him and express your family’s beliefs about pornography, sexual purity and your related expectations for how he should treat your daughter. I believe your actions were protective of your daughter and fully appropriate, and if your daughters’ emotions and physical purity are invovled, it seems absolutely your place to say something, but it’s clear that this boy may be getting a lot of mixed messages from home.
Fifthly, Just as an FYI, it is possible to group your friends and connections on Facebook so you can share and notify different groups of friends different information, which may explain why you did not receive the post yourself and only saw it on your daughter’s FB.
Finally, I am sorry again for all that you have been though, and I don’t think that it’s our job as parents to throw up our hands and lower our standards just because the content and culture has shifted so much. Yes, many of our kids are struggling with pornography and watching and getting involved with questionable material, but parents can make a difference. I’ve worked with many kids who have turned away from their pornography habits and who have stopped watching music videos and other questionable content as they get serious about their relationship with Christ and understand more about pursuing sexual purity.
Sign up for Weekly Encouragement and Advice
1. Add [email protected] to your address book
2. Mark your 1st email from us as NOT SPAM
PS. Find out how you can make sure our emails get to your inbox here.
Please provide your best contact information so we can send you the action plan. It's totally free.
We respect your privacy and never share your data.
