Questions

Thank you very much for your question, and I am so glad to hear that (up to this point) you have been engaging in an open dialogue about sex and related issues–this has surely set a firm foundation for your conversations about masturbation.  Overall, opinions about masturbation vary widely in Christian circles, but it’s our perspective at XXXchurch.com that masturbation isn’t God’s best.  While this may sound extreme to some, we just don’t see how masturbation can honor God since God calls us to purity and holiness.  Why do we believe this to be the case?  Well, masturbation often involves fantasy and lust, it can distance us from God, it’s often used as an escape, it teaches us to have selfish sex and it can often intensify sexual desires and lead to a life-shaping pattern.

This being said, it’s important not to condemn or try to “scare” your son away from this and other sexual struggles.  Coming from a Christian perspective, it’s important to help our kids seek self-discipline and purity.  Help your son consider that the pattern he establishes in his life as a tween and teenager (with sex, masturbation, what he watches, etc.) will often carry through the rest of his life.

Your son will probably stumble at some point in this area, and it’s important to help him understand that he isnot gross, weird or perverted for engaging in masturbation.  As you have probably talked to him before about, his human desires are natural and God-given, we just need to target those desires for God’s best context.

The best approach to take is to talk through sexual purity.  Have your son think through what he’s taking in/watching on TV/listening to online/watching on the Internet/where he is letting his mind dwell and ask him to think about whether those things honor God.  Help your son make wise choices so he has some safeguards up to protect him.  I would also talk to him about accountability–as he approaches his teenage years, having a male role model or a friend that he can confide in and who can encourage him in all areas of sexual purity and sin will be an important component to helping him in his walk.

You may also want to let him know about our Operation Save the Kittens, which is a humorous take on masturbation prevention, and you should also check out some recent blogs that address this issue in a helpful way, including:

–Myth: I need to Masturbate and

–Why You Should Care if Your Child is Masturbating

Thank you for sharing your struggle.  It is my hope that as other parents read about your family’s experience, that they will be motivated to place parental controls (like Safe Eyes) on their computers and Internet-connected devices before their own son or daughter has been exposed to pornography.  In terms of resources, we have a number of resources that would be great for your son and your family to read in the resources section of our site.  I would also encourage you to check out some of the videos from our “Voices” effort as good launch-pads for family discussion.  Another good resource is the Internet Safety 101 program, which covers Internet safety more broadly, but Pornography more specifically… it has a number of testimonials from teens that have struggled with pornography addictions and exposure that may be appropriate for you to watch with your son.  And depending on what level of exposure your son has had, then yes, it may be waise to talk to a Christian counselor, but you and your husband should assess the level of his exposure and any continued use before taking that extra step.  If your son is struggling to make sense of what he has seen or is continuing to find ways to look at pornography on a regular basis, then you should consider talking to your youth pastor or pastoral care team to learn of a good, local counselor that can help.

It sounds like your son has been very brave as he has shared this struggle with you and your husband.  Since he has been engaging in this behavior for five years now, he very much could feel dependant or addicted to the release and pleasure he experiences from masturbation.  Keeping the doors open and keeping the lines of communication open is a great first step in your household, and I do believe that your prayers will bring forth fruit.  If you aren’t using filters on your home computers and all mobile and other Internet-enabled devices, I would also encourage you to do so to make sure that your son is not also struggling with pornography use or viewing content that could be feeding his need/desire for sexual release (our X3watch PRO or SafeEyes are both great resources).  Talk with him and consider his media diet… the shows he watches, the movies he sees, the music he listens to… when the content we take in is sexual, it often lowers our ability to say no to giving into a sexual impulse.  You might also consider getting him some books that can help, like Every Young Man’s Battle or Questions You Can’t Ask Your Mama About Sex, or any of the others listed in our teen area of the site that can help him in his pursuit of freedom from this issue.  Enlisting an older Christian peer—someone that can disciple him and help him stay accountable can also go a long way in helping him walk in freedom.  At times, the encouragement we can provide as parents can only go so far—in my life, having peers and leaders I could confide in and be challenged by was key to my personal ability to walk in freedom from sexual sin, and I know that this has been key to many of the children, teens and adults that we have worked with.  You may also talk with your son to see whether he would be open to going to a Christian counselor to talk about his experience and struggle with masturbation—the deeper levels of conversation and professional intervention can be a wonderful resource and help for those who struggle with addictive patterns of behavior.  We believe that if your son sincerely wants true freedom from his masturbation, that with the appropriate steps, he will reach a place where he will have the desire, discipline, accountability and encouragement to walk away from his pattern of masturbation and walk towards true purity in Christ.  Thank you for having the grace and patience to help your son as he struggles!