Questions

First, let me commend you for taking a deep breath and waiting a moment to collect yourself and your thoughts before talking with your son.  That can be a pretty traumatic experience for both parent and child, and so it seems as if you took the right first step to keep the lines of communication open as you continue to discern what to do next.  I hope that this story reminds parents to use a filter and parental controls on their computers and their child’s mobile devices to prevent exposure to pornography as much as possible at home.  I’ve known so many parents that don’t use a filter or install accountability software until their child is already very deep into their use of pornography—so parents that are reading this, it’s important to understand that I’ve counseled parents that have learned that their sons (and daughters) encountered pornography at a very, very young age (4, 5, 6 years old), which opened the door for their use of the content.  As you have learned, pornography can be very enticing to a young mind, and kids like your son are naturally very curious about sex, and it’s only natural for boys at this age to be experimenting with masturbation.  I would encourage you even now to consider installing a filter (like our X3watch PRO) on your computer to help your son stay away from his regular use of pornography.  Also, consider enlisting someone else from his youth group or another more mature Christian male to engage with him in conversations about purity and his use of pornography.  This could be a great time to help your son understand the need for male accountability and to experience the freedom that comes from confessing our sins and finding encouragement and strength from those around him.  It might also be worthwhile to get him a few books, like Every Young Man’s Battle and Questions You Can’t Ask Your Mama About SEX to help him grasp the real repercussions of porn use and why accountability and discipline are key to experiencing sex the way God designed us to.  And if your son finds that he is still really struggling with ending his use of pornography, I would consider talking to him about enlisting a counselor to help him get to the root of his issues.  Is he just curious about sex or is he using pornography to fill a deeper need or distract or numb himself from something else he is going through in life?  Prayers that your son finds freedom, and grateful again to hear that you extended so much grace to your son!

Hi there,

First let me say how sorry I am that you and your husband discovered that your son is viewing graphic pornography.  I know this can be quite a shock to many parents, and we do so often hear that many parents think that their own kids will never get caught up in a pornography addiction.  Unfortunately, it sounds as if your son has probably been using pornography for quite some time.  Most individuals who use pornography and develop a dependency or addiction on pornography begin to justify their use of pornography while also becoming rather desensitized to the content that they see.  When a young person first views pornography or first begins to use pornography, they often feel upset, ashamed, remorseful, etc., but with increased use and exposure, it can become more difficult for the user to distinguish between right and wrong.  They find many justifications for their use of pornography and become more entrenched in their use.  This doesn’t mean, however, that they can’t become free from their addiction to pornography.  As you may recall from our time at ECC 10 years ago, one of the benefits of our ministry is that we so often hear and experience stories of freedom and recovery, so I do believe that your son can experience freedom from his addiction and use of Internet porn, but he can only experience this freedom if he is the one who wants to change.  While I am thankful that you and your husband spent time talking candidly with him, remember, it’s not our place to condemn.  Continue to let him know that you are concerned for him—ask him why he is looking at pornography, and give him the space to explain.  Many use pornography as a form of escape, sexual release or as a way to experience sex without losing their technical virginity.  Also, consider enlisting another young adult to talk with him about pornography and sexual purity.  As parents, it can be challenging to talk candidly and get to the real heart of the issue with our own kids sometimes—so see if he would be willing to talk to someone in your church’s college ministry, a counselor or peer about these issues.  Another strong Christian man would be a key asset to help him stay accountable if he ends up deciding that he wants freedom.  As I’ve mentioned, it’s up to every man and woman to decide if they want to live a life of freedom and purity in this area.  Ultimately, if your son doesn’t want to change, then you may be just able to support him and pray for him along his journey.  At some point, with the Lord’s grace, he will get fed up with his addictive behavior and begin to seek the Lord’s healing and freedom.  In the meantime, consider checking out some of the resources we have here—like Every Man’s Battle that can help cast light on this issue for your son, and remember to always use a filter (like our X3watchPRO) on your home computers.

Thank you for reaching out to us!  In our work, we have found that many of the teen-level sex addiction groups will begin with kids as young as 12-years old (Pure Life Ministries has a strong database of counselors and programs that may help you, and a group called House of Hope treats and works with kids 12+ for a variety of issues including SA, both individually and in group settings).  If you are involved with a church or a faith-based community, talking with a youth leader or an on-staff pastoral care member should also be able to help you find local support groups and resources. 

The “tweens” that we have worked with generally get plugged in to an accountability group through their youth group, where they can build friendships and share their struggles in a safe environment.  In some instances, a younger tween has been paired with a mentor teen—someone that has been through the same struggle, but who had been able to walk away from their SA and can encourage their mentee down a similar path… so, in the event you cannot find someone your son’s age, this may be a beneficial approach.

Additionally, many of the books that we have on the site could also be helpful for your son—encouraging him that he is not alone or weird for struggling with pornography, while also providing some helpful steps to try to break his cycle of pornography use.  I am so proud of your son—that he was willing to come to you and let you know that he is struggling.  You are probably already aware of parental control software (like Safe Eyes, and accountability software like X3watch PRO), but that can also provide some protection for him while he is in your home.  Unfortunately, as you have found, although SA resources and community groups are exploding across the nation, the burden, especially for younger kids, or protecting and guiding rests often on the parents, alone.  We are going to be offering an online group meeting (X3Groups) for teenagers this February that would provide some support for your son for you to consider.  Blessings to you and prayers for recovery and continued strength for your son.