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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
My son is struggling with porn and is now acting on it by accessing texting sites that offer communities that support porn. I was able to find some of the text and read the requests and saw some of the pictures girls have sent and that he sent of himself and I feel that my son has become someone I don’t even know. I feel he needs some professinal help because he is 16 and I can install all the filters and control many areas, but once he hits 18, he will have to be the one who has to have the will and strength not to give into his temptation. The problem is he doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong. We’ve seen a psychologist before and therapist and they say he is acting out because of issues with his father and divorce 6 years ago, but he now uses those as excuses or crutches for everything. He’s even rationalizing things by quoting these professionals. It’s like he was given an excuse or free pass. He suffers from anxiety, OCD, and ADD and lacks social skills and thinks these girls that sext him “love” him and since he has been rejected by girls at school, he thinks these girls are paying attention to him. I’m at my wits end because I don’t know how to help him. He needs professional help, but someone that can get to the root of the problem. He is manipulative and can say the right thing to get the pro’s think he is getting better, but obiously that’s not happening. His sessions become a social visit to him, it’s like hanging out with a friend for an hour. Unfortunately, I have no support from his father in this matter. He’s told him it’s normal just don’t do it often and it’s a stage, you’ll grow out of it. What kind of professional do I need to seek for him to get help? I’m worried about what his future will be like if he doesn’t get help soon. Thanks, L
Protecting and helping your son with this issue is especially challenging without your ex-husband’s support, and I am sorry it feels like you are fighting this battle alone. Ultimately, it’s important that you try not to blame or shame your son for his access to pornography, sex chats and sexting and porn community sites and apps. His initial exposure to pornography and continued access to pornographic sites, although harmful to him in the long-term, is an unfortunately common experience. And as you know, it is possible that his access to his sites is his form of “coping” or “numbing” himself to the fallout of the divorce and any continues stress and anxiety he faces. That isn’t to say that it justifies his use of pornography and access to these sites, and you are right to confront him and question therapists who essentially give him a pass to continue in his behavior.
That being said, It’s key that you keep the lines of communication open and try not to push him away. Continue to let your son know that you are concerned about him. Continue to try to explain to him that pornography and sex chatrooms are not healthy escapes from whatever he is going through, and, although he may not be aware of the consequences now, at some point, most individuals who consistently use pornography will struggle in their real, face-to-face relationships, will struggle to connect sexually with a future spouse and often find their porn and sex chat use impacting their finances, careers and offline life. If there is any way for you to help your son connect with a strong Christian man—someone a bit older than him—who can challenge him as a mentor about these issues and try to help him make mature choices, that could be a help since his father is not filling that role (if you are involved in a church or faith-based community, a youth group leader may be of help).
Overall though, it’s up to every individual, to decide whether they really want to live free and pure. Ultimately, if your son does not want to change, you are right, when he is out of your home, he won’t. You will just need to be available for him to talk to and be prepared to support him when he does realize that his behaviors are harmful and wants to change. At some point, almost all people who struggle with some form of sex addiction get fed up with their addictive and harmful behavior. You may also want to consider having him read some of our books to try and show him that pornography can be extremely harmful.
Also, if you are paying for your son’s phone, then it may be worthwhile to disconnect his access to the Internet and place some protections in his mobile phone (like a filter) so he can’t access apps and other programs that could be harmful (check our or partner, Safe Eyes, that has resources for mobile devices).
Should I be concerned about my 9yo daughter drawing detailed sexually explicit pictures? My wife discovered some very detailed drawings that my daughter drew. I mean, erect penises with pubic hair and touching involved. It all looks very pornographic to us. She says that she got hold of a pornograghic book at her bio Dad’s house and he coerced her to not tell us about it. We are headed to the counselor today and are already in the process of terminating the Dad’s rights, but I am concerned about her ideas about sexuality. I am a nurse and my wife and I have always educated all three of our girls at an early age about sex and especially sex the way God intended it. We certainly have committed all the sins as we have both been married and divorced twice. This is new territory for me, but I know that I discovered porn at an early age because in the 70’s it was everywhere. I did not get that monkey off my back until I was 45 years old. We have X3 watch on everything and we home school. We don’t even turn on the TV unless we are all watching the same movie. I even wnet so far as to become a Christian film distributor. Satan just prowled around till he could find a way into my little princess warrior.
I just found out that my teen has been viewing porn and also been experimenting with peers from school in a same sex manner. When confronted, my teen just played it off like it was no big deal. I can’t stop crying and I am so afraid that my husband will never look at my teen the same way. After coming clean with as much as I could tolerate listening to, my teen said that now that everything was out in the open and that this was all against our religion and the knowledge that it was all wrong has been there from the beginning but the addiction is just to strong and my teen is not strong enough to battle it, my teen just wants to be normal and had no idea how much this would hurt me. I am afraid that suicide and other things might be crossing my teens mind as there was extreme guilt and shame in our conversation. I am horrified at how I feel, though, I have professed for 16 years to love my teen no matter what and now I cant even look in that directions, let alone hug or confort or anything. Help me! in the least, Pray for me!
I am sure this is a very tough thing fro you and your family to go through right now. In the end of your letter you said that you know you need to love him and you are right. You need to love him like you have never loved him at this point in his life. If you even think that he is struggling with the fact that hi parents do not want him around or that he has disgraced you guys in some way this will only drive home the idea that he is not wanted.
I would suggest for you guys to respond to what is going on and find some local counseling to help all of you work through this. You husband, your son, and you. Talk to someone in your church and get people in your corner to help you work through this. They can help you locate good solid counseling and provide your family with prayer.
Like you also said at times like this it is tough to look at someone when they do things that are tough for you to grasp or understand. But, you have to apply Gods unconditional love right now at this moment. He is your son and I know you love him so much or you would not be this worried for him. But, you need to show him you love him and meet him where he is right now, as a family.
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