Questions

Even though I don’t know your son, I am also very proud of him.  It takes incredible courage for your son to talk to you and share his addiction with you.  I think this also speaks strongly of your communication with your son and the level of trust you have established with him.  I am also so glad to hear that he is willing to go to counseling and also that you are using SafeEyes to help filter and block the content your son can access online. 

Just as a point of definition for the rest of our parents reading this post, “hentai” content usually combines Japanese-styled “anime” or animated, cartoon-like characters engaged in graphic sex.  A wide variety of hentai content exists, often focused on fetishes, including over-sized breasts, transsexuals, “lolicon” (pre-adolescent and pre-pubescent/childlike characters engaged in sexual acts), combined body parts and cartoon anime orgies, and creatures and animals engaged in rape-like sex with human anime cartoons.

Many parents don’t realize the cross-marketing between cartoon pornography, anime, hentai and filmed adult pornography.  Many of the same categories that you probably encountered when you were researching hentai pornography are also very popular in filmed adult pornography (sexual violence, group sex, child-like themes, incest themes, rape-simulation, etc.), so, for the most part, hentai pornography is no more disturbing than “regular” pornography.  You may also be surprised to know that there are many adults and kids that struggle with addiction to cartoon, anime and hentai pornography, so your son is certainly not alone.  Individuals that struggle with sexual addictions often notice a pattern of desensitization—they need harder and harder-core content to reach their sexual “high”; they begin to use and become aroused by material that they once would have found offensive or disgusting.  Unfortunately, this is the nature of pornography addiction. 

The great news is that your son is not alone in this battle.  As you continue to talk with him about his struggle, remind him that he is not alone and that you know and believe that he can live free from his addiction.  Recognize, also, that recovery is a process.  Depending on how long he has been exposed to pornography and how long he has used hentai, the process could take some time.  Help him to know there is grace and healing.    

Also, consider whether there is a friend or a mentor in his life, a man a little bit ahead of him in years or experience that may be able to encourage him and talk with him about his struggle.  Perhaps the youth pastor at your church or a leader with the young adults program at your church may know someone that could help walk with him through this, if your son is open to talking to another individual.  You may want to consider accountability software (like our X3watch.com software) in addition to using the SafeEyes filter.  We also have some resources (like Every Young Man’s Battle & Every Man’s Battle) that your son may be interested in reading to encourage him available online in our Teen’s resources area. 

Help him to identify good things to focus his time and attention on.  With sexual addictions, whenever we feed our perceived needs with pornography, we only increase our desire and dependence on pornography.  Pornography never satisfies.  By spending time, however, on those things that are good, true and beautiful—healthy, fun, spirit-building activities, we can retrain our body and mind to develop a taste for those things that are life-giving rather than life-draining.

On a technical note, make sure you are also using SafeEyes on any mobile or gaming device he may use, since these are also easy access sources for hentai and other pornography.

Bottom line, however, is that your prayers, your encouragement, the counseling, and the filters you are using will make the biggest difference.  You are doing all the right things.  We join with you in prayer for your son!     

I am sorry to hear about your son… yes, it seems that the heart issues remain. Our kids are receiving an alarming rate of sexualized media messages and the cross-marketing in mass media and the pornography industry is very troubling—kids are learning from media that pornography is no big deal.  Those that have early exposure grow desensitized to its use.  In one study of the first generation to grow up with Internet pornography, we found that both young women and men thought that porn use was acceptable, and yet, those who used pornography had a higher number of sexual partners, higher divorce rate, higher likelihood of substance abuse and depression. 

I would definitely continue the conversation with your son.  Continue to speak gently to him, with compassion, and take the time to really hear his words so you can continue to best instruct him and share your ongoing concerns.  This is why it is so important for any parents reading this post to do everything they can to prevent their kids from having exposure to pornography.  Many of the parents I work with don’t install filters, accountability software and parental controls on all of their connected devices until after they recognize their son or daughter has a problem, and at that point, the lure of pornography has already captivated them.  Prevention is key! 

With your son, I am glad to know that you have installed software, filters, and encouraged him to read books and hear Craig speak.  As a parent, you can only do so much to protect him and set up clear rules for Internet use in your home.  Ultimately, it’s up to every individual to decide whether he or she really wants to live free and pure.  Continue to ask those hard questions—would you want someone you care about to be a porn star?  If you had a daughter some day, would you want her to be a porn star?  Do you want to have to rely on pornography sexually?  How do you think your future wife or your girlfriend will feel about your use of pornography?  Share how having a spouse addicted to pornography feels.  Ultimately, if your son does not want to change, then you can continue the conversation and to pray for him and support him.  In our work, we find that at some point, people who use pornography get fed up with their addictions and become aware of the harmful side effects.  I would also encourage you to try to find a mentor or someone who could encourage and share information with your son about the downside of pornography use.  

Thank you so much for your question. Undoubtedly, talking about sex for the first time can feel uncomfortable, and most parents feel embarrassed and a bit overwhelmed regarding where to start.  The most difficult part about talking to your daughter about sex is getting started.  You and your wife may want to think through some possible questions your daughter may have and talk them through between the two of you to make sure you are on the same page before talking with your daughter. Don’t worry about knowing all the answers to your children’s questions; it’s more important to set a good tone with regard to how you respond to your daughter than to have all of the “right” answers.  Helping her understand that no subject, even sex (or at some point, pornography) is taboo in your home will help keep the conversation going.  I do think, when possible, it’s best if the same-sex parent leads or has the initial discussion.  With daughters, moms will tend to do most of the heavy lifting, and with sons, dads should take the lead.  Remember, however, that as a husband and wife, you are on the same team and need to be united in your commitment to reinforcing your guidance and values to your daughter.  Follow up should be handled by both parents, and, at times, you may want the opposite-sex parent to lead a discussion, for instance, when your daughter begins dating, as a dad, you will probably want to share information about how valuable she is and what she needs to be careful of and that she can always come to you if she ends up in troubling, frightening or uncomfortable situation.

For parents with younger children, it’s important to start early with your child and take the initiative.  For toddlers for example, when you are teaching body parts, include the real names of their sexual organs… this is something recommended in sex abuse prevention training… i.e. teaching your little boy to identify his penis as a private part and teaching little girls to identify their vagina as a private part is an important step in education.  Also, explain to your young children what is appropriate in regards to sexual touching by others.  Let your child know that if an adult ever tries to touch their private parts they have the right to say no to them.  Many children are fearful about ever saying no to an authority figure or an adult, but in this context, it’s important to help them learn that they have the right to protect their body.

Nine-year-olds will typically be very verbal and communicative and will have enough maturity to understand what you are saying, have real interest in talking about sex, but often they aren’t yet cynical, embarrassed or closed off to “the talk”.  Many of the parents I have worked try to set a special tone for the first talk, flattering their children by letting them in on a mature, grown-up conversation topic.  Some take the their kids out to a special meal or a walk in the park—something to designate the talk’s importance. For your daughter and for most little girls approaching puberty, addressing how her body will change or is changing can be a good starting point.  Explain what happens when she has a period, help her to understand why girls wear bras.  Help her to appreciate her body and the changes that will occur in the next few years.  Some parents that I have worked with will use a book with anatomically correct drawings of the reproductive system to help illustrate what they are talking about.  Ask her where she thinks babies come from and then share from a biological perspective what happens to create a baby.

I also recommend asking your daughter what she has actually heard and what she knows about sex before launching into your explanation.  This will help set the stage for you and your wife to communicate the right amount of information to her.  Most parents are surprised to find out just how much their kids already know (or how much they think they know) about sex.  More likely than not, since your daughter has already used the term “sex” she knows some of the basics, but do be careful not to introduce information that she doesn’t necessarily have the constructs to deal with (for example, most 8- to 9-year-old girls don’t need to know about an orgasm).  Unfortunately, our kids are growing up in a time when they have easy access to mature or inappropriate information, terms and images.  You can ask your daughter whether any of her friends have talked about sex and what they say.  Ask her whether she has encountered any confusing or scary images or videos online, on TV or with friends. Watch out for teachable moments.  If something flashes on the TV screen or you hear your daughter or one of her friends talking about sex, take the opportunity to ask questions and point her towards facts.  If she uses the term “sexy” or is listening to a song that references something sexual, take time to talk about it.  Parents are often surprised to find out how many tween and teen-oriented shows talk openly about sex and sexual concepts.  ABC Family, Nickelodeon and Teen Disney can have some rather mature concepts.  If you allow your girl to watch shows on these channels, watch the shows with them and talk to her about what the show covered at the end.  Continue to reinforce the context God intends for marriage, and as she matures, explain why it’s so important to wait to experience sex as God designed.  For girls in particular, reinforcing healthy body image and respect for their own body is so important in combating the sexualized messages your daughter will face as she grows.  Your daughter should know that sex is a wonderful, good gift from God in the right context.  Ask her to come to you anytime she has a question or hears anything about sex so you can discuss it together, but let her know that this is part of an ongoing conversation.  After the initial conversation, try not to separate sex from other aspects of life.  In other words, don’t make too much of a big deal about having the ongoing conversation and use everyday opportunities to talk about sex and healthy body images.

As she approaches her tween and teenage years, help her to identify goals, appreciate her body and recognize healthy messages vs. unhealthy and risky behaviors.  Remember to try to keep everything positive and non-judgmental when you ask her questions and discuss sex.  If you notice one of her friends talking about sex in carpool, follow up with your daughter.

In terms of other resources, there are several books that can help you and your daughter address sex.  “How and When to Tell Your Kids About Sex”, “Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman’s Battle”, “Passport 2 Purity” and “Sex: It’s Worth Waiting For” can be helpful as your girl approaches her teens.  We also have a number of resources on our site here  and recently posted a great Episode of X3’s Company that you and your wife can watch here.