Questions

Sorry for confusion… yesterday, I did NOT leave the house. I didn’t look at porn, but I didn’t leave the house either. I think that I did not make clear our situation: my wife is hurting DEEPLY from her PTSD. Up until me signing this contract, my porn addiction was almost a daily thing at its worst. Sometimes once a week, sometimes twice a month, sometimes clean for awhile, but still, it was there. I FEEL LIKE I AM KILLING MY WIFE…. PLEASE HELP

I’ve been married for a year and a half, I’m 25 and I’ve been a porn addict since I was about 11. I hid my addiction from her until we right after we were engaged, and even then I guess I wasn’t as up front about how bad it was. Our marriage has been very difficult; she grew up in an abusive home and suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and suffers from some brutal symptoms. I turned to porn at a young age to escape my home life in an emotionally unstable house hold, a few of my immediate family members  have attempted suicide. My addiction grew and grew and became out of control. When I started down the path of being honest with my wife, she was so gracious. But continuing to go back to porn for a few different reasons during our marriage has led to enormous distrust and deep, deep hurt. A few months ago, after looking at porn, I wrote up a contract of boundaries for myself, centering around time alone at home and restrictions on my internet usage. I have x3 watch on my devices. I have been clean for about 9 weeks. Yesterday, I stayed home from work because I was sick. I didn’t break any boundaries on the contract, but as any addict can attest to, it seems there is always another way to get to porn. I did not look at porn. I came close, but stayed strong. When this happens, according to my wife’s wishes, I talk to one of the male supports in my life, so that she isn’t burdened with the day to day ups and downs of my addiction. . My wife called to check in on me, and I told her that “i went to the edge, but stayed strong.” She said she was thankful that I stayed strong. Later that night, she came home from work and we had a nice night until it came out that I ate junk food on a sick day rather than spending the money and eating healthy to get myself better and out of the house to get myself out of a situation when I would be tempted again. I ate junk food because my medicine was expensive and I didn’t want to spend the money to buy the right food to help me get better. My wife was very angry. What ultimately came out was a lot of the hurt that I had inflected on her by continuing to use porn regularly during marriage. The damage is deeper than I realize even now, and I have lost %100 of her trust. Also, she feels that she has to take care of me when I get depressed (o yeah, I’m diagnosed depressed as well) and she says she feels like my mother. I am tasting what I have done to her, and my heart is broken. What do I do?

My marriage is struggling because I was in an automobile accident seven months ago that injured my back. Since then, we have had sex perhaps three times. He doesn’t want to reinjure me, and I love him for it. But I know he really misses that intimacy, and so do I. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to reinjure myself, either, but even when I orgasm (which is half the pleasure for him), the muscle spasms can cause issues.