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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
I’ve suspected my husband has been having anal sex during porn & masturbation. I confronted him & he admitted to it. We had a great sex life in the beginning of our marriage. When he stopped wanting sex. So we started to watch porn & make up sex fantasies, he almost had me convinced to do a threesome but I couldn’t. Then we started to fight very bad I moved out for a year. We are back together, & he’s been getting deeper & deeper into weird stuff & not me. He said he would stop, but he’s a addict he likes drugs too.
How do I deal with this?
I’m so sorry that this is going on in your marriage. Clearly it sounds like your husband is a sex addict and needs professional help and support. All the “I’m sorry’s” in the world will not bring about change if they are not met with true repentance which requires a plan of action to help the one in sin lay it down and turn it around.
Your husband has to want this for himself as much as you want it for him. He needs to seek out help in the form of counseling and accountability…if he is admitting to being a porn addict then dealing with that addiction is what it is going to take. You’ve already tried dealing with it on your own– you tried a separation, none of that worked. So get some counseling, invite someone in to help hold your husband accountable– you need to seek out support for yourself as well. We have an entire section for spouses on the main site.
Best wishes.
About 25 years ago my husband had an affair. We had 4 children and I did not want to raise my children alone. I agreed to stay together, we moved, and started a new life without ever dealing with our relationship. I suffered in silence and tried to be a supportive wife and good mother. I believed this is what God wanted me to do but every so often something would cause my pain to surface and I would explode my feelings. It confused my husband and I couldn’t explain why I had such strong, seemingly irrational feelings. Seven months ago my husband admitted to viewing porn which began at the same time as the affair but that he was finally free. He was so happy to have this freedom and thought it would heal our relationship now that he was being honest and open with me. I was happy for him but I did not see how it changed our relationship. I had put up a wall when he first had the affair so that I would never again be so hurt by him. Because I had this protection, I was not devasted when I heard he’d been viewing porn all these years. Yesterday I heard a Doug Weiss speak about how a husband must realize how he’s hurt his wife because men don’t get it. He also said women need time to heal. I finally realized after all these years that I need to heal. I don’t have pretend to be strong for my children and husband – I need to deal with my own pain. Because I never dealt with it, it keeps surfacing. My question is, where do I go for healing (besides God)? Who can I connect with? Last night and today I am reliving all my grief, anger, and anxiety but I am still alone and there is no healing. This time I do not want to stifle my feelings, I want to work it through till I am whole but I don’t know where to go to work through the process. My husband is now willing to go for counselling with me because I said I didn’t want to keep living like this (with him) anymore.
Thank you for sharing so transparently and so honestly about your situation and your ongoing struggle with unhealed pain.
I think a really good place to start (besides God as you mentioned) would be counseling with your husband. Your pastor should be able to do this with you or recommend someone to you. There are also specific retreats that you can attend that deal with a lot of this. Please visit our resources for spouses to check those out! Secondly, for you exclusively— you may want to join one of our X3groups for spouses (wives). I believe you are going to find some great healing in walking this out with other women who are on the same journey or have been on the same journey as you are.
You are not alone and there is not one ounce of pain you hold that God doesn’t want to rid you of.
I hope this helps.
My husband was recently caught in a HUGE web of lies & he came clean about his extreme addiction to porn. I’m struggling with why this happened…am I not enough sexually for him? How can we get past this? What safe guards can be set up in place? My marriage is heading down a dark road & we need help.
First, I want to say I am sorry. As a wife who has experienced that same web, I understand.
I would suggest you start here -> “I Just Found Out My Spouse Is Looking At Porn” <- Then follow from there to all of the resources we have for the spouse. There are book recommendations, other like ministries, a spouses blog and so much more.
You are not alone although it often feels that way in a world where this is common yet in the church it isn’t supposed to be. But ALL of us are sinners and fall short– some sin differently than others. Hang in there and embrace and believe GOD. He loves you AND He loves your husband.
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