Questions

My husband and I have been married for 2 years. We have 2 beautiful daughters. I was the only girl in my household growing up with my dad & older brother. I seen my brother’s “stash” of magazines and movies, and I knew my dad had a few stashed away too. So in my mind, it was something all guys did. When my husband and I started dating, I looked for it. When we moved in together I thought for sure that I would eventually find some type of evidence of it. But I never did, therefore, I got this amazing comfort in finding the only man on earth who respected women and did not watch porn. We got married less than a year after we started dating. I was a little more reserved in the bedroom, while he was a little more open to things, but I just thought it was normal. We learned together and he got me to be much more comfortable with doing things that seemed erotic to me at the time (which really aren’t erotic). About 6-8 months later, he had forgotten his phone at my dads house, and I was working the area (EMS) so I went and picked it up so I could bring it home with me when I got off work. I wasn’t “looking” for anything, but I found it. He had downloaded an app to hide our private pictures, which I knew the passcode to, and inside the app was a private browser. He hadn’t cleared anything so I could hit the back button for 20 minutes and still not get to the beginning. I felt so many emotions. My temperature went up immediately, I was ashamed, hurt, and disgusted. But I never wanted to be that person that freaked out over this type of thing, after all, before I met him, I thought it was something every guy did. I thought it was normal. So I was naïve to think I’d found the only man who didn’t use it. So instead of being honest with him, I played it off as though the only thing I was upset about was that he had hidden it from me. We made an agreement to use it together, and ONLY together. I figured if I knew what he was watching and how he reacted to it, that I would be able to deal with it without having to be the psycho wife. So we subscribed to the playboy channel. We found shows we enjoyed together. One of which, had us thinking that we may be interested in becoming swingers. We looked at local swingers, talked about visiting swing clubs, but fortunately we never did. I was pregnant during this, so I was super conscious about how I let myself react to things. Baby was born in October, and then in December our world was rocked by a house fire. We had to move in with family to get back on our feet. We didn’t have our shows or the privacy to enjoy these things. My husband worked a 48 hour shift a couple towns away at the time, so for 2 days, he was away from us. I was beginning to find it on his phone, and computer in large doses, and I was still trying to manage my feelings. I asked him to stop, but he didn’t, only started hiding it again. On new years, I broke down. I told him how I really felt and that I felt we needed to get into church and straighten our lives up. He agreed and promised he would stop, and said he thought it didn’t bother me so that was the only reason he watched it. I left for a 5 week academy a couple weeks later for my work. The academy was about an hour from home so he would come visit me every Wednesday and I got to come home on the weekends. Week one, I had a gut feeling that something was wrong. I was right. When he came to visit and we went for dinner I took a quick glance at his internet history which revealed to me that he had deleted everything. So that night, because I didn’t want to ruin the visit, when he texted me to tell me he had made it back home safely, I asked him. He was honest. I broke down. Not only had he watched porn, but he broke his promise he made to me. That weekend we barely spoke until he drove me back to the dorms Sunday evening and we were alone. I was explosive because he was continuing to lie to me. I knew in my gut that was he was trying to say was a lie, and it tore me apart. The next week was extremely hard because we were apart and couldn’t rightfully fix our issue. He promised me it was a slip up out of boredom and that he promised he wouldn’t do it again. He stayed true to that promise until about 2 weeks after I got home from the academy. I was working nights, so he was on baby duty during the day. I found evidence of it again. He promised, yet again, and I let it go at that. By this time, it was becoming evident there was a deeper issue, and I was researching Porn addiction and how I could help him. I asked him if that was the issue, and told him I would stand by him and help him in anyway I could, but he denied the addiction. So when it was discovered once again, I was about to walk out when he finally admitted he had an issue. We talked about it, and I told him that all he needed to do was confide in me if he had an issue. That I would not crucify him as long as he came to me instead of hiding it. By this point, my trust was broken so severely that it was extremely hard on both of us. He didn’t like that I snooped through his phone and computer, and it caused many fights. He refused counseling. He refused anything which involved any other human knowing about his issue. So from March til September, we grew apart. I was still finding evidence of it, but he had gotten better at hiding it. I stopped bringing it up. I held it in to save face. We moved to Florida, but came back to Kentucky after not being able to transfer our certifications. I got a full time position for a company I truly loved working for which put me on a 24 hours on, 48 hours off rotation on the ambulance with the same person every shift. My partner became my confidant. I told him all the issues we’d had. By this point, I was having issues being attracted to my husband, who I still loved very much, but was beginning to believe would never stop no matter how bad it hurt me. My partner was also having marital issues. We became each others escape from home. Then one day I got a text saying that he had separated from his wife, and just so happened my husband and I were also having a very strong discussion. So when my husband left for work the next morning, I made a way to go to the area my partner was in. I lent him some money for a hotel so that he wouldn’t have to sleep in his vehicle, and offered for him to tag along since I was taking the kids to the park. We spent the day together, all the while, my husband and I ended up separating through text message. After dinner with my dad, I took him back to the hotel, left the kids with dad, and the rest I’m sure you seen coming. I ended up sleeping with him. I was so disgusted in myself, that I couldn’t even say goodbye, simply got dressed and left. The next day at work, they separated us because there was already talk. So we were not working together and all I wanted was to fix my marriage. So when I finally gained the nerve, I called my husband. I was upfront and honest with him about what I had done. He was destroyed, and so was I. For the next month or so, it was very rocky. I had gotten fired due to the rumors that were flying. We still had to cross paths with my ex partner. My partner continued finding reasons to contact me. It was just a very difficult time. People would tell my husband things that were not true relating to my affair. And being that I was so honest from the get go at us working things out, he trusted that I would not lie to him. Eventually, we got everything out in the open and we became so much stronger. So now we are back to our happy marriage that just has some minor trust issues which we face together. Or that was, until Saturday. I left with the kids around 11am to go to a birthday party. He was home alone and didn’t have to be at work until 3. I felt in my gut that something was wrong, but I fought it because he hadn’t had anymore issues, and we were doing so well. But when he got home, I had waited up for him. It was a little bit after 3am. He had put his phone on charge and had to go use the bathroom so I offered him mine so that he could get on facebook or whatever he wanted to do while he was in there. But he refused and took his and his charger. Which reminded me of the heart sinking gut feeling I had earlier that day. So when we got in bed, I asked him if he had had anymore issues. He tried to lie, but were connected on a deep level so I can feel when he isn’t being honest. So I rolled over to face him and said, You have haven’t you. He admitted he did today. He said but I didn’t do anything, I realized what I was doing and got out of it which is the story he has stuck with, but I still can’t shake the gut feeling that that isn’t the truth. Will this ever end? This has been 2 years worth of events. I learned my lesson the first time, and he knows that, and I refuse to put a lock on our communication ever again, but I NEED to trust him again. I NEED to know that he is done with his issue. We have became more dedicated to Christ, and are currently on the search for a church that suits us best. I don’t know that I can go through that emotional destruction again… I’m already dealing with depression, and it doesn’t help worrying myself sick that we have gotten nowhere through all of this. I just need some comfort in knowing that there will be an end. We have an amazing sex life, and we have sex often, so I don’t understand why he would NEED it? Thank you for your time.

OK, so a while back @ 3 months I found a couple of emails to another woman. Thankfully, I believe nothing happened because they were trying to get him to pay for a membership to a site i guess.. I could be wrong he maintains he never did anything. I also found that he uses porn alot!! and other adult sites pull up when watching these videos like dating sites and other things my trust is really frail right now and I am feeling rather raw and inadequate at this point I believe we can get past this but I do not know where to turn I need someone to talk to help point me in the right direction I love him greatly and I want nothing but to help us become stronger and build from what I have learned to make things better and to provide him with what he needs.Which is love and support I know we can beat this I just need direction please thank you I am lost and dont know what to do and I want to trust him but i AM STRUGGLING SELF DOUBT IS KILLING ME AND CONSUMING ME ALIVE RIGHT IN THIS MOMENT

how do I feel good about myself when my husband looks and porn and I’m 7 months pregnant? He doesn’t have any interest in me sexually.