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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
I have an incredible husband. He is kind and hilarious. I love him and I want the best marriage possible. We have been married for almost 2 years and he has struggled for over 5 years (the longest sobriety I know of has been 3 weeks). We have recieved so much help from x3watch and the book “Pure Eyes”.. he has gotten much better, communicated well and I have seen improvement. But occasionally, post mistake, he lies to me. The lie, far more than the pornography, makes me paranoid and unstable. I am suspicious of everyone and everything and I constantly question him. I talk about porn a lot. I cant help but bring it up at least once a week, sometimes every other day. He never tells me to stop asking, but I wonder if i should just let him bring it up. Sometimes I just babble about how I think and feel for a half hour and realize nothing was accomplished and he probably just feels terrible. How often do you discuss this type of thing? When is it just redundant? Ive asked him how often we should talk and I think he is willing to accept anything I dish out because he believes he deserves it. I want to have healthy dialogue, not just emotionally babble.
A couple of things.
First is that he needs male accountability. It will be easier for him to be more free in sharing about struggles and failures with a male friend (or pastor) then his wife. (This doesn’t negate your role or place as help-mate) X3groups might be a good place for him also.
Second- I don’t think you should stop asking but I do think you should prayerfully consider the timing, the tone and the motive.
Often times us wives (yep- I’ve been there) will dig and push and press out of our own insecurity and control (or lack thereof) issues. We hate the thought that “we’re not enough” and that our man desires to not only look at others but pleasure themselves when doing so. It’s absurd and yes we have every reason to be hurt, disappointed and feel rejected…. BUT that cannot be the motive for asking him about how he is doing. Love should always have the other person’s best interest at heart. Making it all about us, our hurt, our rejection, our insecurity only fosters guilt and shame for them. I personally believe that this actually helps to KEEP the husband in his cycle. Jesus never confronted someone with “after all I’ve done for you” OR “what about the vow you made to me?!” He always confronted in love- for the greater good of the other person. We should too.
I’m glad that the books and the software have helped. You may want to check out Craig’s other book called OPEN and consider checking out the webinar he just did on marriage.
God’s best to you!
My boyfriends goes on craigslist personals to look at these pictures of women wearing next to nothing or pornographic images….my heart is broken and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve confronted him about it and he told me I will never change him. I’ve been fighting this battle for over 3 years now….I do love him and I’ve been trying to figure out what to do next. Please help me…
Get out now.
If he doesn’t want to change and he doesn’t see anything wrong with it and it doesn’t line up with what you want in your relationship then it is time to move on.
If he’s on craigslist then he’s probably doing more or going to do more than just “look at pictures” there.
Hi, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years and from the beginning I knew that he struggled with Porn and Masturbation. For the first year of our relationship he would tell me about every other month that he had messed up, I would have a melt down, forgive him and we would move on. It wasn’t until last August that I really was able to realize that he was struggling with this way more often then he was saying. He finally was able to see he had an addiction and started getting real help for the problem including attending an intensive workshop for men who struggle with lust addiction. Since then he still struggles almost every week. He’s sought accountability but it’s like the men in his life forget to ask. He goes to a weekly group at church and has all the xxx software on his devices but it still doesn’t seem to help. This week I was away at a busy conference and he called me to tell me that he messed up the night before. I kinda hit a wall. I have been planning on marrying this man (because in every other way he is Godly) but my heart is just so hurt. He went to his councleor and had a break through with realizing that he’s been masking and numbing the shame with his addiction. from his words is back on the right track but I just don’t know. So my question really is should I even be dating him right now? Is me showing him grace enabling him? If I do continue to date him (which I really want to do) how do I help?
“Should I really be dating him right now”. I’d say no. My thoughts are that you have been dating all this time thinking he was being open and honest and pushing through when he wasn’t. Now it is as if his confessions come as another form of release for him but don’t really serve as any kind of challenge to repent and bear fruit of repentance.
So I would suggest a season of allowing him to seek out his counseling and when there is fruit in his life that bears witness to living out his repentance then you can reconsider the relationship. During this season I would highly suggest that you get some counseling as well and press into the Lord and what God is calling you to. Because I will tell you… this is not an easy road to walk… you must know that you are called.
A great book for you to look into would be “Boundaries” and “Boundaries in Dating” by Townsend and Cloud.
God’s best to you dear one.
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