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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
Basically I’m confused as what is considered porn. Because I keep reading on here, and what most people seem to struggle with is looking at pictures or watching videos of porn. But that isn’t the problem I have. In fact, I think that’s disgusting and I can’t imagine ever doing that, but I do read – but I don’t know if what I read is considered porn – yes sometimes there is sex in it, but I don’t read it for the sex or anything like that – they always have plots and good story lines to them (well most of them do — I do admit to reading some that don’t, so I suppose that IS a big problem) but is reading that has some sex in it bad or considered porn? I admit it can be very addicting and I can sit for hours and hours reading, and I do get lost in it sometimes. But I’ve never dated, I’ve never had sex, I don’t masturbate, I don’t even really think about sex all that often – except for when it comes up in my stories/reading. I do admit that depending on what I’m reading that it can and does sometimes excite me, and like I said before it can be addicting, but I don’t ever masturbate over it. Anyway – I guess I just feel like I need some help identifying if what I’m doing is wrong (which, if I’m even asking this, it probably is…), and how to get away from it. I’ve tried on my own but it can be difficult just like any other addiction.
i’ve never imagined that i’d ever write & tell anyone about my problem. But it’s been annoying me so much lately. I’m a 21 year old girl, a virgin, i’ve never had a boyfriend before & never engaged in any type of sexual activity except masturbating, which i’ve done as a child & i didn’t know it was not a right thing to do. My problem began about 5 years ago. I used to lie on bed before sleeping & imagine sexual things happening to me, even rape & then masturbate (i even touch myself). When i get up at the morning i blame myself so much & feel as if i weren’t completely conscious when i did this & i hate myself for this. I usually did this for 3- 5 days before i repent & promise God never to do it again. But, i never kept my promise for more than 5 or 6 months maximum. The real problem began nearly a year ago. I almost stopped touching myself but i began masturbating by reading erotic fiction. I usually do this at night & for a number of days before i repent & stop for 2 or 3 months then the cycle begins again. My case is being worse. I can be reading a Christian book & a moment later i’d read erotic stories. I’m really ashamed of myself & i’m so tired of this. The problem is now greater because there is a Christian guy at my church who i think is having a crush on me & i’m having a crush on him as well, but we never told each other! He wants to be always near me & keeps looking at me (innocently). Even my best friend noticed that he’s having a crush on me. But whenever i see him i have sinful thoughts & when i return home i begin to read these erotic stories. I feel so low. And if he talked to me about being engaged or so, i think i do not deserve him. He’s very pure & innocent, not like me. But mainly, I really want to lead a life like Jesus wants me to live but i can’t. Please help me. Thanks for reading!
Hey (I wish I could address you by name but you didn’t provide me with one so…),
My name is Shellie R. Warren and I’m the women’s blog editor for the website. Thanks for reaching out.
I want you to know that although you feel ashamed, as I read your email, I simply wanted God to put his arms around you. One thing about sexual sin is that sex is beautiful thing when it’s done like Hebrews 13:4 tells us (in a pure marriage bed) and yet, outside of that, it can wreck and ravage us in so many different kinds of ways. Trust me, I would know.
As far as your porn and masturbation issue, I have gone through enough in both areas and dealt with enough other people to realize that a lot of it is because while we are told that those things are wrong, that we shouldn’t do them, we’re not really sure WHY. This link below might help to explain it further:
http://onfirefastmovement.blogspot.com/2012/10/on-fire-deeper-look-into-masturbation.html
Also, it sounds like you might be “battling this out” (Ephesians 6:10-20) on your own. If that is the case, you have GOT to get some accountability. The spirits connected to sexual sin are WAY TOO POWERFUL for you to deal with on your own. If there is someone who you trust, is a Christian and can pray for you, we have software that you can download that will help to keep you accountable: http://www.x3watch.com/
OK, as far as the guy. A lot of us have crushes/an interest in someone and then fantasize about them. Quite frankly, you’re a bit “ahead of the game” to feel convicted about not wanting to “use him” in your erotic imagination. A lot of people wouldn’t even think that far. And as it relates to him being “pure and innocent”, first, I venture to say that’s an assessment based on what you know (and not necessarily the total truth) and also, the fact that he does have an interest in you, can you not see that it means he sees something “pure and innocent” in you as well?
While I do recommend that you not get into anything serious right now (especially since you are trying to battle with this porn/erotica/masturbation journey and being in a relationship could make the temptations *much harder to deal with*), I do encourage you to embrace the fact that he could be a good *friend* for you in this season. Don’t shut him out totally. A good, healthy male friendship may be what you need to help to restore some of your self-esteem issues as you are working out of this stronghold.
We’ll be praying for you for sure. We appreciate you entrusting us with this.
SRW
Since I can remember, I’ve been masturbating…I didn’t know what it was until I was in high school. During a youth group meeting with my pastor’s wife, the topic came up and she told us it was a sin…is it? I’ve wrestled with it ever since…I hate doing it (I think), but I do it over and over, again and again. I feel so much shame and guilt after…yet I return to it time and time again. Why can I not get free? I’ve never looked at porn, but lately I’ve been tempted. I’ve seen things on the internet, words, not pictures, about masturbation, and today looked up ‘masturbation’ on the internet. I didn’t go deep…if that’s what you want to call it…I didn’t go into any ‘how to’s’ or pictures or things like that, though I did see a picture or two on wikipedia…I don’t get where this temptation is coming from and all of a sudden, pretty much out of nowhere. How does God stand me in the midst of my sin? Does He turn His face away? Does He love me? Repentance is to turn in the opposite direction of the one you were going…if I tell Him I’m sorry, then a few days later turn around and masturbate, was my repentance not genuine? Was I really sorry? How does Romans 7:15-25 fit in with this? I know this really doesn’t have much to do with porn, but I didn’t know where else I could feel free to ask my questions about this topic. I might have more questions, but this is all I can think of right now.
Hey Mindy,
My name is Shellie R. Warren and I’m the women’s blog editor for the website. I’m actually not going to address each question (there are quite a few), but I will strive to provide you with an overall resolve.
First, I want to remind you of something that we oftentimes forget. We all have sinned. As a matter of fact, the Word tells us that those who say otherwise are liars and the Word is not in us (I John 1:10). Christ came and died *for sinners* (John 3:16) *because that is how much God loves us*. And so, God loves you because he made you and although it hurts him when we do things that are less than his absolute best for us, the Lord never leaves or forsakes us (Hebrews 13:5) and he draws us in with *lovingkindness* (Jeremiah 31:3).
That said, a part of the reason why you struggle, appears to be that you knew very little about why masturbation poses so many spiritual problems. I do a blog for single women who desire to be married and last fall, I wrote a piece on masturbation. You can read it here:
http://onfirefastmovement.blogspot.com/search?q=masturbation
Oftentimes, what we struggle wiith the most is knowing that something isn’t good for us but really beiing sure of *why*. Hopefully, that will help to shed some light on the matter.
One of the main things that you said that especially caught my attention was the fact that you are contemplating watching porn. THAT is one of the reasons why masturbation is not a good idea. It’s like a “gateway drug” to other things. It doesn’t encourage us to focus on Philippians 4:8 (thinking on what’s lovely, true, praiseworthy, etc.) and after awhile it doesn’t “satisfy”. It wasn’t created to. Sex is made for a husband and a wife (Hebrews 13:4, I Corinthians 6:16-20-Message) PERIOD. And it is *God* who designed it to be that way. In the Garden of Eden, he did noto declare that a man and a man, a woman and a woman, a boyfriend and a girlfriend, or a person with themselves were to be “naked and not ashamed” (Genesis 2:24-25). A husband and a wife, in covenant, were to be. Masturbation mocks true sexual intimacy.
And still, with that said, I’ve been there and I understand why it could be a struggle for you. I encourage you to read the link I shared and also, a book that helped to get me in a greater state of sexual purity is Sacred Sex by Tim Alan Gardner.
I would also recommend that you get an accountability partner to walk through this with you. Although we are here to offer support, as I’m sure you can understand, we get *LOTS* of emails and so we are simply unable to dialogue back and forth. Someone who can be “on call” for you would be ideal.
Do know that we are praying for you and do not allow Satan, the Liar, (John 8:44) to tell you that you are not loved by God simply because you are not perfect. God knows that you need him. That’s why he encourages us all to come to him (James 1:5).
Take care,
SRW
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