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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
I was raised in a Christian home, and a very sheltered one at that. My parents never gave me “the talk” and left me to discover the facts of life on my own. I shied away for MANY years. I never had a crush or a boyfriend, though mostly because I didn’t think I was good enough for one. Fast forward to me 21 years old. I’m almost 22, and I have my first kiss. He’s my best friend of a year and we’ve developed deeper feelings from our friendship. It was very innocent, I didn’t know there were deeper strings attached. Back up to the top of being 21. I began masturbating. Mind you, I never looked at porn. The most I ever had was some pg-13/r rated movie byproduct. I don’t have to visualize anything at all, I let the physical feeling stand on it’s own. Maybe I’m just physically sensitive. Fast-forward to now. The young man isn’t allowed to be my boyfriend (my parent’s decree, although they don’t know we’ve kissed, they’re just super old fashioned). I’m starting to have VERY sexual feelings toward him. We agreed not to kiss after things started progressing. To clarify, we kissed each other’s lips initially but shortly after agreed that we would not do so again unless we got engaged. He had been in a previous relationship where the two ended up too far (oral pleasuring of each other) and neither of us wanted a repeat of that. However, we still kissed each other’s cheeks. That eventually became too hard for us to control, so we cut it all out. Now I’m in a place where I cannot date him but I can’t stop thinking about him. I had never had inappropriate sex related thoughts (not really, besides the occasional flash or dream) but now I get them a lot. I fantasize a lot. I’m full of these sexual urges to rub up against him, kiss him, grab his hair. I will sometimes (and I do apologize) get wet, just from talking to him. And NOT because I’m fantasizing sex, I just like him. The sound of his voice, his smile, anything, it sets me off. I don’t know how to handle this nor was I ever taught what ANY of this was. I didn’t know women could get wet until just before I kissed him. But I didn’t know it was sexual because we never talked dirty or thought of each other in a filthy way. We just liked each other. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose our potential relationship and I feel my purity becoming a shakey ideal.
Hey Lillian,
Thanks for reaching out to us.
I’m going to be honest. Being that you are 22 years of age, I’m not sure what you mean by what your parents “will and won’t allow”. You are a young adult now and so a lot of the resolves that you come to, I’m hoping are your own and not the “fear” of your parents and their points of view. The reason why it’s important to bring this up is because I have worked with a lot of people who did things “to keep their parents happy”, not because they personally were convicted one way or another. Then, when they got out from under their parents’ hand, all hell broke loose (literally).
That said, based on what you shared, I believe that it’s a good thing that you are wanting to stay on top of all of this. At your age, to be able to have not had sex, that is a really blessing and if you continue to hang on to your purity, you will be an even bigger blessing to your husband and your marriage over all. I believe that the Holy Spirit had you reach out to us so that you could be encouraged to keep yourself intact in that way.
OK, but I’m assuming (especially since your parents won’t “let” you as an *adult* have a boyfriend) that they don’t know about your masturbation struggle and a part of me wonders if you and your parents have had a set of healthy exchanges about why it’s a good idea to wait until marriage; reasons beyond “Fornication is a sin.” For that reason, I want to recommend that you get a copy of the book Sacred Sex by Tim Alan Gardner. It is written for married people, but it’s a big part of the reason why I am abstinent now (I started having consensual sex a couple of months before 19, I’m 38 now and I have not had sex in six years, in part, because of that book). As far as masturbation, I led a fast last fall on the reason why masturbation is not God’s best for his children. You can read more on it here:
http://onfirefastmovement.blogspot.com/2012/10/on-fire-deeper-look-into-masturbation.html
You are a young adult woman and so the fact that you have sexual urges and desires *are completely normal*. The issue isn’t if it’s “wrong” to have them but to seek wisdom (James 1:5) and guidance on how to contain them until they can be used in their proper context, which is the marriage bed (Hebrews 13:4). Everything that you have expressed that you feel, I so wish that as strict as your parents have been that they would have put that energy into being proactive about educating about sexuality.
OK, so as it relates to where you are now, aside from the two other resources that I just shared, pick up these books as well:
http://www.amazon.com/Praying-Your-Future-Husband-Preparing/dp/1601423489
http://www.themarrymebook.com/index.html
From what I discern, you like a guy, you have sexual feelings towards him but because you weren’t really taught about those kinds of things, you are “freaking out a bit” when really, you just need a better understanding about sex’s purpose and then to channel some of your curiosity towards not fantasizing about “some guy” but preparing for *your husband*.
We’ll be praying for you, OK?
Sex within God’s will is a beautiful thing.
Something that, in marriage, you don’t have to settle for fantasizing about.
Think on what’s pure (Philippians 4:8) and prepare in the meantime.
SRW
My husband and I divorced last year due to my infidelity to him.he did not find me desirable and has been addicted to porn running up hundreds of dollars if not thousands in satellite bills.so I found comfort in someone else’s arms,which lead to our divorce.my ex husband and I share custody on a week to week basis and my son who is 11 has stated to me that his dad is watching inappropiate movies and explaining to me what things are going on.i am mortified knowing what he is seeing is exactly what the judge told my ex not to do .i can’t prove with out evidence of this activity.my son is coming of age and don’t want him to view sex in this way.it is not the way God has intended us to engage in intercourse and I have tried to explain this to my son .im not sure on how to approch this and i am scared my son will fall prey to his fathers addictions. Any suggestions.
Hey Kim,
Thanks for reaching out to us.
It must be pretty…mind-blowing to see some things repeat itself. All families go through it. Generational curses are just as relevant as physical DNA.
You didn’t share how old your son is but as someone who does marriage life coaching and specializes in divorce reconciliation (I Corinthians 7:10-11), a part of me can’t help but to wonder if some of this might be how your son is “coping” with you and his father’s divorce. It has been my experience that for adults and children, sexual brokenness tends to be *symptomatic* of something far greater and a lot of times we’re so busy “looking at the tree” without getting down to the roots.
So, without having a lot of the details, my questions are as follows:
How are you and your ex doing when it comes to co-parenting? I’m under the impression that it’s not very amicable.
Are you both providing an atmosphere where your son can speak freely about his feelings without being criticized or rebuked? As a child of divorce, I know firsthand that oftentimes parents are willing to talk about what the other parent did wrong but they are not as willing to address their errors. Your son has, in one way or another, had to deal with porn addiction and infidelity, that is a lot.
What outlets is he provided to deal with his stress and anxiety? Aside from the fact that he is a young man and it’s NATURAL to have sexual urges and curiosities, the fact that it has “crossed over” into a potential porn addiction, I discern, is in part because he is using that has an outlet for his internal struggles, not just with sex but in general. Is he in sports or some other extracurricular activities? It might help.
Does he have some accountability? This is a time in his life when *healthy friends* are needed and some *good male role models* are required. He only has one dad and there’s no way around that; no one can replace this biological father. Yet that’s not to say that he shouldn’t have some other men who he can talk to, spend time with and receive spiritual guidance from.
Do you have our software on your computer? Although it might not be the most ideal to have you be your son’s personal accountability partner, it is a good idea to mention to him that we have some software that he and one of his Christian friends or a mentor of his can use to keep track of what he’s doing online (http://www.x3watch.com/).
Are you watching your words? Death and life are in the tongue (Proverbs 18:21) and oftentimes parents don’t even realize that they speak their child’s struggles into their lives when they say things like “You are just like your father” or “You’re going to end up just like your mother”. A part of a parent’s role is to speak LIFE and POSITIVITY into their children, and sometimes, it’s during the hardest of times when they need it the most.
I can hear the fear in your words. I John 4:18 tells us that perfect love casts out fear and so we will be praying, most of all, that you seek the Father for wisdom (James 1:5) and the Holy Spirit for comfort (John 14:26-AMP) as you walk this through. Oh, and you might also want to pick up the book or digital download of Pure Eyes (http://xxxchurch.shopsilentempire.com/product/465/pure_eyes__digital_download).
We’ll be praying for you and we know that with prayer, there is power!
SRW
I am in constant shame over my hidden sins. I was raised in a Christian home and I was a leader within my youth group. In seventh grade in a chat room people started talking about sex and explaining masterbation. I tried it and continued to read sexual stories online. I felt guilty all of the time but I never stopped or told anyone. My junior year of high school I started drinking and going to parties where I started having random hookups and eventually one night the guy I was with asked what I was waiting for and I couldn’t answer and gave my virginity away. Since coming to college Jesus has reclaimed my heart but no matter how hard I try it seems like I will always have these desires to view sexual stories and porn and I always give in. Will it ever stop? Will the shame from loosing my virginity ever go away? This is driving such a wedge between God and myself. Will this cycle of sin and then shame ever end?
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