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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
I discovered porn as a kid online and have always been able to achieve an orgasm while watching porn. I have not been able to achieve an orgasm during regular intercourse and I am wondering if this is a normal thing? I no longer watch porn or even masturbate on a regular basis at all. I may breakdown and give in once every 3 months. It is beginning to cause a strain with my husband thinking that he isn’t doing preforming well enough for me.
Hey Michelle,
My name is Shellie R. Warren and I am the women’s blog editor for the website. You’ve actually presented a really good question that a lot of women seem to experience, so thank you for being comfortable enough to ask. (Matthew 7:7-8, James 5:16)
One thing that is unfortunate about how a lot of us have learned about sex while growing up (if we were told anything at all) is that if we weren’t raised in a Christian home, we’re often simply told “Don’t get pregnant” and if we were, we were told “You’ll go to hell if you do it before marriage”. Both of these don’t really give us much to go on rather than what I call “fear fumes”.
And so, we don’t really embrace the fact that sex is a mind/body/spirit action and quite honestly, it’s to be in the order of spirit-then mind-and then the body. (I Corinthians 6:16-20-Message)
If you were introduced to sex via porn, there are many studies to support the fact that how we “meet sex” is oftentimes how we are conditioned to have it and even prefer it. A lot of girls that were molested by older men, prefer dating older men later in life. A lot of people who were raped tend to “like rough sex”. And yes, people who are aroused by porn tend to have their own “soul tie” to it. If porn was your “first” then there are probably still some spiritual connections to it.
I noticed that you said that you don’t masturbate “on a regular basis”. However, if porn and masturbation have been your “orgasm conditioning” all of this time, then your body is simply following what your mind has told it to do for many, many years.
That said, I recently wrote a piece on masturbation for another blog that I do that you might want to check out:
http://onfirefastmovement.blogspot.com/2012/10/on-fire-deeper-look-into-masturbation.html
Also, a great book that has helped to keep me abstinent (I’m a single woman) is one that was written for married individuals. It’s called Sacred Sex and the author’s name is Tim Alan Gardner. One of the things that he says is that we spend so much time chasing after the wrong “O”. While we are looking for orgasms (a benefit of sexual intimacy), we really should be seeking after *oneness* (the purpose of sexual intimacy-Genesis 2:24-25).
Something else that I also do is marriage life coaching and something that I have shared with other couples is that when I Corinthians 7:4 talks about husbands and wives having authority over one another’s bodies, one of the definitions of authority is actually “expert”. Isn’t that fabulous? Your husband is ordained by God to be an *expert* about your body and yet, as long as masturbation lingers, it’s like plexiglass standing in between you and your mate.
When you said that you “breakdown every three months”, I encourage you to think about what causes that. Also, when it comes to having a challenging time having an orgasm with your husband, I also want you to think about the kinds of thoughts that you have when you are able to climax without him. Honestly, it sounds more like a mental detoxing that needs to take place than anything else. Although there are women who are simply unable to have them through intercourse (although they can with thier husband in other ways), yours sounds more like you are so used to thinking about other things that it’s hard to be *totally present in the moment and fully trust your husband*. One way or another, Satan tries to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10), but I’ll be rooting for you and your husband to find peace in the pure space of your marriage bed (Hebrews 13:4)…as you recondition your mind…in due time.
God makes everything beautiful…in its time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).
We’ll be praying for you and yours for sure.
Keep us posted on your progress,
SRW
I have been dating my boyfriend for six months now and I knew from before we were even dating that he struggled with pornography. He has been struggling with the addiction for over a decade and only in the past three years has he really been trying to fight back. He’s had software on his computer, accountability partners, read books, done bible studies on it and while he is not looking at it all the time anymore, it still has a place in his life. I myself have had my struggles with masturbation and before I was following Jesus I slept with other men. Both of us consider ourselves followers of Jesus. I want to understand where he is coming from. He still looks at porn about once a month (it eventually comes out as he is not forthright with that information and ends with an argument and lots of tears on my part). He went through a lust-free-living bible study that suggested one of the ways to master your addiction (in reference to masturbation) was to schedule out when you were going to do it and I know that is probably a common occurrence for him. Last night the weight of this whole situation hit me. I realized that this may truly be a struggle he has his entire life. How do I help him? He had me read a blog where the author talked about it was when he gave his fight to Jesus to fight that he started to find freedom from his addiction. I know that Jesus can take away the desire for him to look at porn and take away any sort of temptation, but I also think that we should be actively doing something to stop ourselves. What’s the right way? How do I help him at all? How do I show him grace when I feel like this sin is so much heavier then the sins that I struggle with now? Do I stay with a man who is still addicted to porn when I’m not married to him? I don’t know who to talk to about this because my boyfriend just feels shamed when we talk about it and it makes it worse. Can you please help? Please also if possible don’t post this online as my boyfriend frequents xxxchurch website often and he would be hurt by this. Thank you so much.
Hey Maja,
My name is Shellie R. Warren and I am the women’s blog editor for the website.
As I was reading your email, a video that I did a couple of years ago *immediately* came to mind:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpY0H1ZjU2I
After you watch it, it might impress upon you to have a different set of questions or it may bring you to a place of resolve. Feel free to let me know either way, OK? You can find me at [email protected].
We’ll be praying for the Holy Spirit to lead you into divine wisdom (James 1:5) regarding this matter in the meantime, OK?
Peace…be still and know that God is in control (Psalm 46:10).
SRW
I am a happily married woman born again can’t stop the masturbation and fantasy very discouraged and defeated why can’t the lord deliver me?
Hey Cerritos,
My name is Shellie R. Warren and I am the women’s blog editor for X3Church.
It’s interesting that you would bring up masturbation because last fall, the Holy Spirit provided me with some insight on the matter that I had never thought about before. I have enclosed the link below:
http://onfirefastmovement.blogspot.com/2012/10/on-fire-deeper-look-into-masturbation.html
As it relates to your fantasy life, being that you weren’t in detail, I’m assuming that you think about other men/women/things while you are engaging in masturbation and while you’re having sex. Would that be correct?
As a woman who also struggled with masturbation and even porn for a season, something that I have learned is that something when we are seeking “deliverance”, we are looking for God to supernaturally remove the strongholds in our lives when oftentimes, what he chooses to do is put us in the position to go day by day (Matthew 6:34, Luke 11:3) and focus on avoiding temptation then (I Corinthians 10:13) rather than dwelling so much in the long-term. As I often tell people, “Deliverance, to me, is operating in foresight.” It’s simply a matter of taking the consequences into account before making certain choices.
Being that you are married, I would encourage you to share with your husband the struggles that you are going through. I Corinthians 7:5 tells us that married people should not withhold sexual intimacy from one another unless they are going to *mutally agree* to pray and fast. That said, Matthew 17:20-21 tells us that some things *only come* by prayer and fasting. Something that you and your beloved may want to consider is going on a fast so that you can get some divine insight on what needs to be done to be freed from these ties that bind.
One great book that addresses different kinds of biblical fasts is this one:
In the meantime, know that you are not alone, that God has heard your confession and that is the first and major step towards healing (James 5:16).
We’ll be praying for you!
SRW
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