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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
Hi, I have been married for the past 6 years and love my husband very much. My question is about my husbands interest in anal. He is obbessed with it and seems to what he wants the majority of the time. This is not something I enjoy and everytime I give up and do it- its extremely painful. Even though he understands this he still wants to do this form of sex because if prefers it to normal intercourse. He has this interest for anal due to his porn addition. Because he has no interest in the romantic/ intermit sex that I prefer- our physical intermeicy is being affected in our everyday marriage. What should I do? I want to please my husband and wish I could please him but anal is just to much.
My husband, after lying to me for our entire relationship (since we’ve discussed this more than once when we were dating and engaged, way before we were even married), had finally confessed, after my pressing, to being addicted to pornography and masterbation. He did start to attend the support groups here and start talking to a pastor. He was not Christian until very recently–we’ve been married 4yrs and he started to believe a month or two ago–although, I am not sure he’s completely come to faith yet. He’s always avoided talking much about where he is spiritually and right now, it’s still not entirely clear to me. I thought there were a lot of good resources and the xxxwatch software is, at least in theory (I’m not sure he’s installed it yet…), great accountability for his online activities. With the software, support group, accountability, I was starting to have hope but then I found out that he’s masterbating to fantasies/thoughts of his ex-girlfriends, with whom he was sexually active with in the past. How do we stop/create any sort of evidential accountability for that?! Now I feel hopeless and I am fairly certain it is impossible for me to trust him again. Without trust, how can we be married? I’m not even sure I want this marriage to work anymore because we have young kids too and I don’t want them growing up to a perpetually angry and paranoid mother. At this point, I’m feeling that if staying married to him will just just create a negative environment for our kids. Also, one of our kids, still a baby, has significant special needs and I don’t have time for all of this. He was not there for us during a recent hospital stay. He stayed home to supposedly help watch the rest of the family but was instead abusing porn while we were in the hospital and supposed to be worried sick about our baby. I cannot risk our child’s health and development to focus on rebuilding our marriage from scratch. I have very close family nearby and can raise our kids with a lot of love, care, and attention. Since he’s been lying to me the whole time, we got married on pretense grounds and I can’t help but think our whole marriage was a sham.
I can let you know that you currently are doing the best thing you can right now and that is standing by him. I understand that you do not want to pressure him in to getting help but, this is an issue that is affecting your marriage and there is no reasons why the two of you can not talk about it.
When you do talk to him make sure it is in a loving way and not one that will make him feel as though he is being backed into a corner. When guys feel this way the feel loss of respect and typically come out swinging.
Be honest with him and let him know how this makes you feel. He needs to know that his actions are affecting you as well. More often men feel that they are not hurting anyone because this is a private sin that they hold onto tightly to keep for their selfish needs.
I would also encourage him to talk to some one and get accountability for this too. Someone other than you who can ask the tough questions and hold him to his desire for purity. He should also look into getting X3 Watch for any computer of mobile device that he has. This will send a report to his accountability partner letting him know if he has viewed any adult content sites.
You also need to get some healing from this and I have a few things I hope you take into action. If you belong to a church I would recommend talking to someone there whom you trust and can either help you or point you into a direction of someone who can. You need to be able to ask questions, receive guidance, and have someone who will pray for you and support you during this time.
There are two sites as well that I would like for you to check into as well that I feel will be a good help for you. The first is Partners For Purity at www.partnersforpurity.com. This is a group of women who know where you are at right now and will be able to provide some great insight into what you are going through and will go through. The next one is Porn to Purity at www.porntopurity.com. Seek out the wives section of the site. Marsha Fisher is a strong women who has been there and she will offer up her wisdom to you from her own personal experience.
Please know that you are not alone in this and that neither is your husband. God is so amazing and He wants so much for your marriage to be restored. Also know that He is so proud of you that you have stood by your husband and that you are willing to fight for your marriage. We will be praying for you her as well as you make the next steps.
I dated a man for a year that I was compatible with in every way. For the first time in both of our lives we found someone we could see a future with. However… after about 6 months he stopped being affectionate, stopped kissing me and the sex for lack of better words was dismal, he was withdrawn and didn’t really engage. Consequently… he ended the relationship because he said he just wasn’t attracted to me and didn’t know why. Fast forward, the break-up was really difficult on his both. He started dating someone almost immediately out of loneliness and I tried moving on, we ended all communication. Well… we were apart for about 8 months before he started contacting me again because he just kept missing me. He broke up with that girl and has been spending A LOT of time with me the last four months. We have not been “together” but have had a very close emotional relationship and its definitely crossed the line of just friendship (we’ve done nothing physically however). We are both Christians and have been trying to further our relationship with God. About 2 months ago in the midst of this new found friendship he admitted something to me, that he was addicted to porn. All of a sudden everything seems to make so much more sense. I’ve been there for them, trying to help him by finding resources and being a friend. He recently had a conversation with me that basically ended the same way it did in our initial relationship. He loved me dearly, values so many things about me and wishes he could change how he feels, but for some reason he just doesn’t have that feeling of attraction towards me that he did initially. He became very emotional and he said he wished he could change how he feels about me in that way because I was everything he wanted in a wife and that he does find me to be a beautiful woman. Outside of leaving his laptop at my house for the last month to keep some of the porn availability down, he hasn’t really done anything to get better so to speak. So my question is… is this inexplicable lack of attraction to me from his long going porn addiction, or is it just that he’s not attracted to me on some other level (but says he was when we first started dating)? I love this man more than words can describe and he obviously loves me, but what should I just let go and move on cutting my losses, or try a little longer? And if so…aside from this website, what are some resources I can give him? Any godly advice and direction would be greatly appreciated.
April,
You have been a solid friend through all of this and it is good to see someone helping like this. To say that you should let him go and cut your losses is a tough thing to think of.
Your question can porn make a person less attractive to someone is yes. Someones viewing of porn at high levels can create a false image of what real women should be like and replace them with a false image that porn creates.
I do not want to tell you to cut the rope and move on but, this may be an option that you have to entertain more. I can tell you love him and want to help him and would suggest that you to see what happens and see if if he is serous about getting better. As time moves along and if he takes it serous and gets solid accountability and help for this it will get better. But, if he does not take serious action now he will not change. And, if this is what happens then you should look to move on.
For resources he can find many resources on the mes section of this site.
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