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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
Do you have meetings over here or know of any organisation who can help in UK?
We do not really have meetings in the UK… we are based more online than anything. Contact [email protected] for info on the UK… he is from there. He has hookups.
Hi,
I attend a Church which you visited a little while back and really enjoyed your service although at the time I thought that my husbands porn episode was behind us and that your sermon didn’t really apply to me any longer – Was I wrong!
A couple of years ago I accidentally found out that my husband had been watching porn on the Internet because I was looking for something in my computers history.
I was absolutely horrified, hurt, angry, I felt sick! I’m sure you have heard from many women how awful they feel. I threatened to get a divorce if he continued and told him how I had figured it out.
I often use the history button to go back and find things that I look at online and from tome to time it has been deleted. I asked my husband why it is deleted and he said it is to make the computer run faster. I only realized now why he is deleting the history because he is looking at porn again (or more likely, he never stopped.)
A few weeks ago I decided to add your X3watch to my computer, I wanted to find out if he was still looking at porn. Unfortunately he is.
I got that same sick feeling, went cold all over and got really angry, hurt, etc, I wanted to blow up at him, but instead I prayed about (just a little prayer, since I have been trying not to think about it too much, it just grosses me out, I don’t ev
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en want to talk about it.) It has taken me a few days to be able to write this email and has been hard to look at him, be nice to him, be around him…just pretending that nothing is wrong.
I have been really upset about this and so wrote an email to you asking how to aproach my husband to talk about this in the correct manner, I planned to wait for a response before addressing him about this. Unfortunately last night I was upset with him and couldn’t hold my tongue any longer, I told him that he needed to stop looking at porn, he admitted to it after lying about it and so I was crying and he just kept saying that he didn’t want to talk about it, words went back and forth, crazy talk of divorce, custody of the kids, having me commited because I was making a big deal of nothing (this was just probably all talk to take the spot light off of him), needless to say that I fell asleep crying and he just ignored me.
This morning when we woke up he was trying to be all nice to me and acting like nothing had happened. I told him that we needed to talk and he again refused and then said that he would talk about it later (the usual response to get me to drop it.)
I realize that blowing up at my husband and threatening him is not going to work, he is not a Christian and is pretty much against Christianity, so I don’t really know how to approach him about this. He doesn’t think this is a big deal, where as I feel like I have been cheated on and so much more.
I know that I need to talk to him about this. Do you have any advise on how I should approach this matter and what I should say?
I love my husband and I want our marriage to work.
Thank you for your time and God Bless!
Jackie,
I am so sorry to hear all of this. I know this struggle is devastating for you to face.
First of all, do you have anyone who you have told who can support and help you through this time? This is crucial for you in this time.
Second, the hard factor is that he does not see anything wrong with this and that he is not a Christian. If you two have different faith perspectives, there will most likely be a conflict of interest.
Regardless, we are here to help.
Please refer him to our site so he can read up on how porn can affect people’s lives – both those viewing and those affected by someone who views. I hope he can see that Christian or not.. it hurts your feelings, makes you feel less worthy, it is him lusting after someone other than you which is cheating, most likely affects your sex life, marriage, relationship and more. Porn is very addictive. The struggle is so common, especially among men, and can be very hard to overcome. He might not see the need to overcome because he is caught up in the addiction. It begins to control one’s thought process. He might be in so deep that he doesn’t see the need or ability to overcome?
Please pray that he does see what this is doing to you and himself. Pray he would see the need to heal. Please seek to communicate in a calm way as much as possible. I know this is so had but it is the best way for someone to receive communication during conflict. Ask that he would hear out how it makes you feel and is affecting your marriage and explain that you love him and want a marriage with mutual respect and honor.
Also, it might be helpful for both of you to go to counseling with someone who specializes in marriage and sex addictions to work through this with a professional.
Please check out x3pure.com as well. this is our 30 day recovery program and could be useful to both of you. Also, for you, please see partnersforpurity.com for support in your current situation. There are other great resources on our site as well.
Please let me know if this helps and how else I can help you in this time. You are not alone in this.
OK, so my husband and I have sort of survived his porn addiction that nearly destroyed our marriage 2 years ago. We read Every Man’s Battle together and were open with our pastor. The addiction had just vanished.
He did start being tempted again in the last several months or so. He has been working out in the gym, reading his Bible, but admits he doesn’t pray like he should. He still struggles with the anger. I encourage him to talk to someone at church (there are other guys, strong guys who have gone through similar issues), but he just won’t. He is even friends with these guys, but won’t go there with them.
Lately, he is questioning AGAIN about what is so wrong with masturbation. He is trying to rationalize it is ok and just a release. He seems to forget all of the regret and shame he used to feel when he did it before.
He desires sex so frequently and so much that I am beginning to resent it. And then there are the times that I am on my cycle that I am unable to perform for him sexually. This poses a huge issue and rift between us for an entire week. He won’t have sex with me because he finds it to be unappealing, but still has the drive. In fact the drive is even stronger because he feels like he can’t get what he wants. Then, he expects me to give him oral sex because the book (Every Man’s Battle) says that I am supposed to supply and fulfill all of his sexual needs. Of course then I become frustrated and do not feel like doing it. I have given him oral pleasure, but I do not feel it should be out of obligation or expectation.
Now, I just wish he would just go away. I hate to admit that……………but we have been going in circles for the past 2 years and it’s not getting any better. I don’t feel like God wants me to get a divorce (again), but I sometimes feel like he just hinders me spiritually. I keep dragging him along, and he doesn’t always want to be willing. He says this is “all just a bunch of double standards, and he is tired of it!”
Am I obligated to fulfill his sexual needs when I am on his cycle and he refuses it in the traditional way? I really am not a prude who does not like to try new things or be sexy for him…………..he is wearing me out! I am mentally and emotionally drained.
Thanks!
Blessings,
Teala Pattison
Thank you for writing. I am sorry you are dealing with this.
We will all suffer from flaws that flare up from time to time but it is key to have the support and accountability in our lives in general as well as specific issues so that we can receive support outside of our situations.
I hope he can see the need to find people to walk along side him. Whether it is the men you speak of or someone else who can help him, he needs it as much as you and me. I do hope you have support as well! It would be good for him to have these people so he could tell them his struggles with temptation with masturbation and get their advice on the subject.
With his great need for sex, this can cause extreme problems if you are not both on the same page. Do you think he is addicted to sex in an unhealthy manner? Maybe it would be best for you two to see a christian marriage counselor from your church or a local facility? It can be beneficial to talk this stuff over with an unbiased professional who can help. It definitely is a problem if it is one sided, expected, demanded or resented. I am sure this will lead to more problems in your relationship and I can tell it already has done much damage if you are starting to despise him. I understand why you would feel that way. Especially the cycle issue. It doesn’t sound like sex is a love and intimacy thing but more so a demanded need that isn’t bringing mutual pleasure. Ultimately God desires a sexually intimate marriage to bring mutual satisfaction. You both deserve pleasure in these acts. “The wife does not have full rights over her own body; her husband shares them. And the husband does not have full rights over his own body; his wife shares them.”—I Corinthians 7:4 (NCV)
There is meant to be mutual satisfaction and pleasure. It sounds like it it a little too one sided in your marriage. I am glad you want to satisfy him but it sounds like he might need to get back on track with what this looks like in a healthy, Godly marriage, not a self pleasing one. I would encourage a counselor to help you both work through this. He might need help as well for his sexual addiction. Check out x3pure.com as this might be a great tool for him. Both of you need support and accountability as well.
Let me know if I can do anything else.
We are here to help.
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