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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
Through our internet’s “recent history” I discovered my husband has been looking at porn- an addiction he told me he’d given up before we got married. I confronted him about it and once again was told he would stop, but he hasn’t and he’s continuing to lie to me about it and now trying to cover it up by deleting the “history” on our web browser. It’s not the first thing he’s lied to me about… I know the best thing I can do is pray… but what else can I do when I know confronting him either one) makes no difference or two) produces a lie…
I am sorry to hear this. We know it is very hard to deal with. First, I recommend you get support on dealing with this. It can be overwhelming and very hurtful. I would encourage you to find someone you trust to share this with and get the counsel and outside support. Also, please see partnersforpurity.com – our partner site to help the women affected by this addiction. The more you understand this addiction the better you are able to fight it and support him. Second, I would openly and compassionately ask him if he wants help. If he still doesn’t admit that he is struggling, I would tell him you would like to put a filter or accountability software on the computer to prevent any temptations. I hope that if he sees you understand the addiction better that he can get support from you and be honest. Please know this is not your fault at all. Porn is a very tricky addiction, especially for men. It is tempting to their very visual workings and is so available on the internet that one stumble upon porn can lead to a habit and then an addiction. This is not because you lack anything. Also, there is so much sham that comes with a porn addiction that he might be fearful of hurting you or making you angry by telling the truth or getting help. If he can admit he wants or needs help you can play a role in that and he would also need outside support.
please feel free to email me if you need anything else. we’re here to help.
My fiance and I both struggle with sexual demons. We don’t live together, but spent lots of time together. We have had sex before marriage, many times, and both had mixed feelings about it. We tried stopping, but as a result, struggled with masterbation to porn. We have talked about this, and we don’t want to have sex anymore before we are married, but we HATE that because we aren’t having sex, that we have to resort to masterbation. We tried to see how long we could go without either sex or masterbation, (fasted them) and by the end of week two, we were cranky and hard to deal with. We know God doesn’t approve of either, but we’re trying to figure out which is the lesser of two evils. When we aren’t having sex, we are masterbating to porn, and when we are having sex, there is no porn involved. We seemed to try everything, getting rid of internet, but that prevented us from effectively doing our job. We tried to get married sooner, to prevent any more struggles, but because my fiance is the lead pastor’s son, and I have a major role in the church, everyone was angered and disappointed that we wanted a small, quick wedding. It seems everytime we stop cold turckey, we fall, hard, either one way, or the other. We desperately need help, what can we do? And if we do end up falling, which truely is the lesser of two evils?
I cannot tell you which one is the lesser. Both are not with in God’s plan for us and do not honor him. Do you both have someone outside of your relationship who is keeping you accountable with this matters? It is so important to get support with this because it is hard to give up any addiction or habit. I would encourage you to continue to give up these things that are not within God’s plan or desire. Get support and accountability on abstaining until marriage. This doesn’t mean you will be perfect at every moment but that you will try your best to overcome the desire. This takes boundaries like putting a filter on your computer to block porn sites, maybe not spending time alone where you will be tempted to give in physically, etc. Seek God’s wisdom and support in waiting for marriage. He will honor this decision. Also, remember the bigger picture, this time of waiting is temporary and worth it. Strive to give it all to Him and honor Him with being pure and like Him in this time.
Let us know if you have any other questions.
I know this is probably strange that I’m still concerned for my exboyfriend, but I watch him live and I’m scraed for him plus we we have been friends for over 3 years. We dated for 2 years and broke up 2 1/2 months ago. He broke up with me saying he wasn’t spiritually mature enough to be such in a serious relationships with me, and he didnt know is i was the “one”(but he told me time and time again through out relationship he wanted me to be) then later he told me he had been looking at porn for over 4 months and had a problem. Now he is dating another girl and we don’t talk anymore because he hurt me so much by dating another girl so fast, who he just met after we broke up, i couldnt talk to him anymroe. It is so strange he doesn’t even look or act like the strong Christian boy I started dating and I noticed the change while we dating because we struggled to stay pure so we stopped making out for 4 months exactly when he said his porn problem started. I feel like he is dating this girl so that he can cover up his problem because they’re always all over each other in public. He hurt me so bad, but I feel like he has no idea what he is doing to himself. The girl he is dating now has a bad reputation with boys which always worries me because he told me time and time again while were dating he loved my modesty and my desire to stay a pure woman of God. Can pornography change your whole character and what you desire out of life? I want to help him and be friends again some day, but he is so self-defensive and tells me i think i have no faults and gets mad at me( that was 2 weeks ago we havent talked since by my choice). I’m a girl and dont completely understand the effects of porn, my main question is can change a good christian boy to a worldly boy who thinks everything he is doing is right and won’t listen to anyone?
I totally understand where you are at. Ive been in a situation that was very very similar. First of all, porn can completely change someone’s mindset and values. This is one of the repercussions of porn. It can cause someone to think differently about intimacy, the worth of the opposite sex and crave the temporary satisfaction. I know this is hard to see him go through but know that only God can fully get a hold of his heart. You can play a huge role in praying for that. When I was in your shoes, something a leader told me was to pray for them daily for protection physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. From there, pray where ever you feel led. When you begin to worry or feel sad, pray again and give this over to God. I know it is so hard to see this transformation in him but know that sometimes it takes rough experiences to make us learn, grow and heal. Pray for this for him. Know that the way he has jumped from you to another relationship that may not be healthy is not your fault or due to you lacking. It sounds like he needs to go through situations to heal from where he is at. Pray for conviction from God on his heart and that God can use people he is close to to provide wisdom and encouragement to him. I know you probably want to be a part of this, but it is probably not healthy for either of you. I know dating someone for that long involves so much of your heart and I am sure you still care for him. It is hard to see what porn can do to someone but it is great to see what God can to through and despite of these struggles. Take the steps for yourself to heal from the pain this has caused you. Know it is not because of your lack of worth. I pray for healing for both of you in this time. Allow God to refine you. Please let me know if you need anything else.
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