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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
My husband and I have been married for almost a year now and I felt very confident that everything was great. But last week, I found out that he had been looking at porn. I’m not sure how much, but he says about three times since we’ve been married. The thing is that to me, watching porn is the same as cheating and he has always known this (I had this problem in a previous relationship and let him know from the beginning that with me, there was no porn). We are so in love, I KNOW that he is extremely happy with me!! I love him so much and would do anything for him. He says that when he’d be alone and bored, it felt like he couldn’t stop, and he knew that he was risking everything with me but he couldnt control it. and that when he’d watch it and do his thing, it wasnt fun, almost like a weight tied around him but he just couldnt stop. is that possible? Is the addiction so strong that you even risk giving up the person you love for it? and what goes through a guys head as he watches these things, does he even think about the woman that loves him? I’m so confused about everything! And I guess my biggest question is, He wants to get over this, but he doesnt want to see anyone about it. He wants to do it with me and with God. What should my role be in helping my husband overcome this struggle? I love him so much and I cant stand to see him going through this. I wish I knew what to do!
Your role should be to talk to him one more time and ask him to get help with this and to make sure he understands your feelings about this. Do not attack him as it will just push him in the corner and naturally come out swinging.
let him know that you two need to get help because this is causing issues with your marriage. If he does not want to get help then you need to make the next move and get help for yourself. I would talk to a pastor or someone on staff at your church and ask for direction to head and someone who will pray for you guys and walk along with you in this battle.
Know that you are not alone in this and that we are praying for you. another place to turn to help for yourself is www.partnersforpurity.com they are a group that know what you are going through and can help you along this path as well.
I feel like I am addicted to porn. I watch it and end up masturbating more than I should. I have admitted my struggles to God and repeatedly asked for help. I know He is willing and ready to help, but every time I am tempted I become too selfish to go into prayer and ask for that help. Do you have any tips to help me remember to go into prayer? Or ways that I can convince myself to step away or avoid the triggers?
Lets break this down a bit. You have admitted this as a struggle and confessed it to God and this is the first step; great job. You have also allowed God into this process to help you become pure again but, you have stopped here and not allowed real change.
God is amazing and through Him all things can be done; THROUGH Him. The thing is you have prayed to Him for help and the that this would stop but, He is not going to just make this stop. What He will do though is provide you the tools, people, and resources to fight this battle and aid you in doing this. You just need to look around and see what that is.
You need to find accountability to help you in this fight and is willing to hold you to you desire to be pure. This person could be a friend, family member, or someone from your church. But, you need to have accountability in this because you will not be able to do it alone, I promise. I know this is a tough thing to do but, if you do not do it now on your terms that it will happen and it will not be on your terms and it will not be pretty.
Your vow to stop; is good but, this is what we call white knuckle change not real change. White knuckle change is when we promise to stop cold turkey and pound our fist to the table and say enough is enough I am done with this. We do good for a few days, weeks, maybe a little longer but, what happens after that is temptation creeps in. We fight the desire to look but, it gets tougher and tougher to the point that we clasp our fist and make a fist trying to fight it till our knuckle turn white and then we just cave in and look. Real change is getting to know why we look at this stuff. Figuring out the psychological structure behind the addiction with looking at this stuff. Understanding what unconditional love is and knowing how much He really loves us for who we are. Then real change will take place and until we do this and allow for real change to take place we will relapse again and again.
Resources for real change would be the very place I learned it was a book called Pure Eyes that you can find in the XXXchurch.com store. You can also find solid accountability software and filters at www.X3Watch.com
My struggle with porn began years ago when I was 13, however, it was easy to say no at first, what I saw eventually lost its interest and began to gross me out more than anything. Then a friend introduced me to masturbation. I feel like my inability to say no to the desire for self gratification is the primary source of my problem. I don’t know how to quit. I can’t put a filter or password protection on it like i can my computer. At first it felt fine, i felt a little guilt but that was all, then it shifted to disgust, but unlike porn, i couldn’t quit. In order to get myself off, i ended up turning back to porn, over which i had been seeing victory. Now when I’m done, i done feel guilt or disgust, I feel fear. Fear that I will never be free, Fear that this will get so out of control it will destroy me and those I love. I have confessed my guilt and sin to God, and my best friend tries to hold me accountable, but its not enough. What more can I do?
You have already figured out the first couple of steps in your recovery with admitting your struggle, confessing it, and getting accountability. But, the one thing and I find to be the biggest thing for people is there seems to be a lack of what we call “Real Change”. You seem to exhibit the signs of what we call “White Knuckle Change”.
White Knuckle Change: Is the most common types of change that we see and the least successful type of change. This type of change happens when we have to make a change in our habits based on either getting caught or just a realization that we have to stop this and we say “I have to stop this” or “I will quite right now”. Typically this is followed by us removing adult content we have and maybe telling someone about it and the placing accountability software on our computers. These are all good things but, this is where most people stop and bring on the White Knuckle affect. Things go good for a while; maybe a month, two months, or even weeks. Temptation creeps in and we fight it for a while all the while clinching our fists say “no I will not give in I will not look at it”. (Hence the white knuckles) But, after time we give in to the temptation and look only to start the cycle once more.
strong>Real Change: This type of change is the most successful and solid type of change in recovery. Real Change cover more steps and takes you further into what this struggle is and why you do it. The first step is understanding why we look at this stuff and understanding the physiology of how our brains work in regards to addiction.
Once you have figured this the next thing is abstinence and removing this sin from your life. Being able to recognize and avoid sexual sin. What are your triggers, what type of environments set your trigger off, and what are your emotional triggers. This is a big key to figuring out a game plan to avoid your weak points and moving away from them or at least recognizing them and being prepared to move away from the temptation.
The third step and sometime hardest thing to do is acceptance of unconditional love. Not allowing your guilt and shame to dictate who you are or how you allow Christ and others to love you. Starting to recognize your lack of truth, self trust and boundaries. After accepting this you have to then put this to work.
Building this plan and sticking with it works and will work as long as you dedicate yourself to it. With real change you go back to the last step you where at and restart because you now understand why and how. With the white knuckle change you always fall back into the sin you where trying to get away from.
Do not think for one second that you are alone in this, because you are not. And remember there is nothing you can do that will take away the love of Christ for you. We are praying for you and your next step in recovery.
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