Questions

Hey Rylee,

My name is Shellie R. Warren and I am the women’s blog editor for the site.

Wow. This is a really spiritually mature question. Good for you, girl.

OK, so what does accountability look like? In response to that, three verses in the Bible immediately come to mind:

“Confess to one another therefore your faults (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, your sins) and pray [also] for one another, that you may be healed and restored [to a spiritual tone of mind and heart]. The earnest (heartfelt, continued) prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available [dynamic in its working].”—James 5:16(AMP)

“Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins.”—Proverbs 10:12(NKJV)

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.”—Ecclesiastes 4:9-10(NKJV)

So, in putting all of this together, an accountability person is someone who you can confess you faults to, yes, but who is also willing to pray for you about what you shared. Honestly, it’s best to get someone who does not struggle in the same areas as you do because they are able to see things from a healthier perspective. Secondly, you want someone who is going to not tell the world about what you are going through. Someone who is *safe* and can keep things confidential. If you’re not sure who the safe people are in your world, there is a great book entitled Safe People by Henry Cloud and John Townsend that can help to address many of those concerns. And finally, an accountability person is someone who can lift you up. Not just in prayer but can provide you with encouragement and comfort (I Thessalonians 5:14) when/if you do fall.

From what you have shared about the people in your life (and good for you for being *proactive* in finding accountability!), they are simply not (spiritually) mature enough to handle what you are going through (at least yet). That doesn’t make them “right or wrong” or “good or bad”. That’s simply the way things are at present. Yet, I do want to plant a seed about that. There are some people I have been “accountable for” who are not my friends. Meaning, we don’t go to movies or talk on the phone. They know that I work in this ministry and so they simply asked me to monitor the sites that they watch. It’s been going well for a few years from now because while we know each other, they know that I take confidentiality seriously and that I will pray for them.

The reason why I’m saying this is that while sometimes people assume that a close friend should be their accountability, that is not always the case. Sometimes it’s a parent or a youth pastor or a person who they respect but they are not necessarily close to. What we’ll pray for you is that GOD PICKS YOUR ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER and that you will be open to it not necessarily looking the way you would have assumed it would.

As far as on a practical level what they do, they are a lot like an AA partner is for a recovering alcoholic. They are someone who is committed to being available to you when you have fallen or are tempted whether it’s just to listen to you vent or to provide immediate prayer. They are someone who you can talk about your struggles with but will not “expose” you to others. And, they are someone who can provide some practical tips on how to get free from what you are going through. It’s that simple and that layered all at once. 😉

We’re glad that you made the time to send this to us because we’re pretty sure that others have wondered the exact same thing.

Oh, and Rylee, I have a blog that I do for single women who desire marital preparation. Last fall, the Holy Spirit and I addressed masturbation from a slightly different perspective. You can check it out here:

http://onfirefastmovement.blogspot.com/2012/10/on-fire-deeper-look-into-masturbation.html

Know that we are praying for you and that we fully believe that since you want accountability, God will provide it.

I Corinthians 10:13,

SRW

Hey Jayda,

My name is Shellie R. Warren and I am the women’s blog editor for the site.

I read your email and yes, I feel bad along with you for how things “played out”; yet, there is an upside to all of this. Your little sister was “caught” early on and so this can be uprooted before porn can get a greater hold on her.

Although I understand why you are fearful to tell anyone, you have to hold onto the fact that God did not give us the spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7) and that perfected love casts out fear (I John 4:18). God loves you with an everlasting love no matter what you’ve done (Jeremiah 31:3) and remember that the Word tells us that greater is he who is in us than he who is in the world (I John 4:4) and that we wrestle in a spiritual battle (Ephesians 6:10-20).

And why am I telling you all of this? It’s so that you can be encouraged to be a warrior and to FIGHT. Rather than being scared of what will happen by exposing this, remember that we are called to be the light of the world (Matthew 5:14). No matter what the consequences may be, God is going to be *so proud of you* because you are willing to make sacrifices, not just for your sake, but your sister’s sake.

As far as the guilt that you might feel, remember that I John 1:9-10 tells us that if we confess our sins, God is *faithful* to forgive. The thing that I have learned from personal experience with God is that because Proverbs 10:12 tells us that love (and God is love-I John 4:8&16) covers sin, then when sin is “uncovered”, it’s because God knows that we won’t choose to address our issues any other way. Should you feel embarrassed? Eh, some. But should you feel less than a child of the King (Psalm 82:6)? Absolutely not. Remember that the Word tells us “If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us.” (I John 1:10-NKJV) If we did not need forgiveness, then Christ coming to die for our sins would have been totally in vain. Christ came for you to have an abundant life. Satan does all that he can to steal, kill and destroy it (John 10:10).

There is a blog that I do for single women who want to be prepared for marriage and last fall, the Holy Spirit and I penned a piece on masturbation. You can read it here:

http://onfirefastmovement.blogspot.com/2012/10/on-fire-deeper-look-into-masturbation.html

I also recommend that you get an accountability partner. Satan isolating you is not going to get you totally free from this. James 5:16 tells us that with confession comes healing and that with prayer comes power. You need all of those things to get through this.

I’m not sure what’s exactly happened since you wrote us, but know that we are rooting for you and that you have the power to withstand any action or reaction. God is entrusting you to do what you can for your sister. He’ll give you the strength to do just that.

Keep us posted,

SRW

Hey Danielle,

My name is Shellie R. Warren and I am the women’s blog editor for the site.

I read your email and I want to first tell you that you’re certainly not alone, although oftentimes sexual sins cause us to feel that way. There are dozens (and dozens and dozens) of women who write us each year who are *just where you are*.

Something that I have learned, by both personal experience and also because I do (pre)marital counseling, is that a lot of us were so *poorly taught* about the *purpose of sex* that we oftentimes struggle on all kinds of levels. While we may know that certain acts are “wrong”, we’re not really sure about *why* that is the case.

So, I want to encourage you to do a few things.

First, get a book entitled Sacred Sex by Tim Alan Gardner. When I was first starting my abstinence journey, that was one of the books that *really helped me* to see just how special AND PURPOSEFUL sex between a man and a woman really and truly is.

Secondly, there is a blog that I do for single women who desire marital covenant. Now, I know that you’re married but there are A TON of resources on there for married people. Plus, last fall, the Holy Spirit and I led a fast for women who want to be free from masturbation. The fast is over, but the revelations that I received about masturbation are pretty…revealing:

http://onfirefastmovement.blogspot.com/2012/10/on-fire-deeper-look-into-masturbation.html

And finally, while I wasn’t clear if your husband knows about your battle or not, something else that I want you to consider is I Corinthians 7:1-7(NKJV):

“Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment. For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that.”

It’s loaded. You were given *the gift* of a husband to help PROTECT you from sexual immorality. He is *assigned by God* to give you affection and do you know what one definition of authority is? It’s “expert”. There is NOTHING about porn and masturbation that can know your body quite like your HUSBAND can—mind, body and spirit.
One of the main dangers with your struggle is that you are DEPRIVING YOURSELF of the true sexual bond that takes place between you and your husband. And so, my “two cents” is that if you haven’t talked to your husband that you share it with him (he vowed to love you “for better or for worse” and your spouse really should be your best friend), that when you have those urges that you make it a point to *seek your husband out* for affection rather than relying on porn and masturbation to fill you and that you also consider going on a fast from masturbation and porn. Matthew 17:20-21 tells that some things *only come* that way, after all. I’m not necessarily saying that you go off from sex. As a matter of fact, it might be best if you two fast *on to sex*:

http://www.amazon.com/Sexperiment-Days-Lasting-Intimacy-Spouse/dp/0446582719/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1366122970&sr=1-2&keywords=7+days+of+sex

Only with *plenty of prayer* in it with the mindset that breaking you free from sexual sin is the purpose.

As I’m sure you can understand, we get A LOT of emails, which is why I wanted to be as thorough as possible. Know that we are praying for you and that if you hope to be free, you can be (Romans 5:5).

Confess to your husband (James 5:16).

And be *gentle* with yourself, OK?

SRW