Questions

When I was about 12 I ran across some pornographic photos on the web. As expected these photos grew into more of what I am struggling with today. Masturbation and pornographic videos. There were times that I used to cry and ask God for forgiveness and what not, but I keep doing these things all of the time. The funny thing is that I was caught by my dad who put on a blocker which helps tremendously, but as one might expect it can be broken down. I have told him about it, because there is another device in our home that I have access to everything. I have told him and he has done NOTHING! So question one. What do I do about that when my father won’t help me at least a little? I do know in the end the choice is my decision, but can’t I have a little help here? It’s not like I haven’t told anyone else either. I have told friends and my mother, but nothing seems to come of it. How should I deal with this? I also wondering what Jesus thinks of me. I mean seriously there are times I am thinking that this is something that is utterly and completely against Jesus, but there I am camped out in front of a screen. I mean I almost don’t even feel like asking for forgiveness, because tomorrow I’ll probably be putting up my tent in front of my screen. So, here’s another question. It is quite a silly one, but in this context may not seem so utterly ridiculous. Does Jesus forgive me when I ask for forgiveness? As we ponder that question let me enlighten you of something about myself. I go to a Christian school, I have Christian parents and siblings, I have been a Christian since I was so very young. Now, back to the question, does Jesus forgive me? So I call myself a Christian, but I am hooked on this sin. I am one person around everyone else and someone else when it’s just me. Why? How come I can’t overcome this. There have been times that I have a straight month clean from pornography, but not masturbation. Then I have gone clean for ten minutes, and for a week at a time or a day at a time. I hope that you can help thanks.

Let me just clarify that I don’t watch videos or look at Hardcore, and I don’t masturbate. However, I have an unhealthy (in my opinion) fascination with modeling in provocative positions. I rarely get turned on by images, and I still feel like I have healthy relationships with the women I know, but nontheless, I still purposefully look figure, glamor and ‘artistic nude’ photography. I have an online accountability group, and I haven’t strayed far from that, but it’s still an issue I have to deal with. What is your opinion on what I should do, because frankly, I don’t feel that strong.

I have struggled with sexual sin since I was very little. As a preteen I would have ridiculously impure thoughts, eventually those lead to me talking dirty with older boys as an 8th grader. That lead to me having a double life in high school; where I would always be happy and go to church almost everyday, I was very involved; I was a worship dance leader, took discipleship classes, and even was a Sunday school teacher. I considered myself a good christian with one stubborn chain that wouldn’t budge for anything. There was no doubt in my mind of Gods existence, or that Jesus died on the cross for me. I loved loved loved God, but satan had a strong hold on me, stronger than I ever realized. With that being said my sin was, I would sensually flirt with boys, and talk dirty to them, watch porn, and my senior year it was my first time becoming physically sexually active, yet I didn’t have sex sex. But of course things got worse, I don’t know how or when did it happen but I let go of God; I found/find myself feeling empty, alone, worthless, unloved, and with no self confidence. So lost and astray, not caring for anything anymore. I became so desperate for attention, I wanted to feel wanted, I wanted to feel loved. So now with summer here, waiting for college to start, I have too much time on my hands, so I made myself practically every social media account in search of men. And I found them, I go to the dark naughty side of that social media website, and message men. I don’t look at age, or where they lived, or anything really as long as they are thirsty that was/is perfect for me. So I started talking dirty with them and then I started sending pictures, videos and even FaceTiming them. The thing is every guy after having exchanged videos they wouldn’t/don’t message me anymore, so every time they are gone I feel empty, useless, lonely, and worthless. I started masterbating everyday, messaging several guys at a time, even making plans to meet up with a guy so we can have sex. It hasn’t happened yet, but there is a place and date set in the near future. I know I shouldn’t do this, and I want to stop, I know better and it kills me every time. But I have this endless impulse to be sexual, to have sex, and to watch porn. I don’t want to but I can’t stop!